When I was a child, I was fascinated by Yellowstone National Park. I saw it through my
View Master 3-D viewer and it opened up the world to me. The mountains, the waterfalls, the bears, and Old Faithful were very cool to look at but I never experienced them first hand, until now, and this is what I learned.

My wife and I set out for a Yellowstone adventure by flying into Bozeman, Montana, the closest airport to the park entrance. Driving from Bozeman to the park, I began to understand why Montana is known as Big Sky Country. That’s about all there is. There’s a lot of open space covered by a very big sky. In fact, the name Bozeman is an old Indian word meaning, “How ‘bout that sky?”

I drove to the park’s northern entrance and through the Roosevelt Arch, a stone arch named after President Theodore Roosevelt a big fan of the park and a guy who loved a good arch.

As I approached the ranger station, I was treated to something we call a “deal.” Regular admission to the park is $30 per car and it is good for several days. However, I learned that if you have reached the age of 62 and are a U.S. Citizen, you can purchase a LIFETIME pass to ALL NATIONAL PARKS for only $10. That’s it, one sawbuck for a lifetime membership to all the parks. It was such a good deal, I bought two.

Our first stop was Mammoth Hot Springs which lived up to its name by being mammoth, hot, and quite springy. It was here that we spotted our first wildlife, a lawn filled with elk. Apparently the local Elk’s Club was closed and they had no where better to go so they slept on the lawn.

We met up with the other members of our tour, who also looked like they had taken advantage of the $10 deal of the century. There were nine of us in the group; besides my wife and me, we had Bob and Marsha from Florida, Jim and Lynn from New Mexico, and Brad and Marta, also from Florida, who were joined by Marta’s 87-year-old mother, Olga, the real trooper among us.

We travelled through the park in a 1936 White Touring Car. It had three bench seats for the passengers and a canvas top that rolled back in nice weather. Our bus was so unique that tourists took pictures of it while I made faces through the window.

After a restful night’s sleep, we awoke at O dark hundred to see wildlife. Apparently the wolves and bears are morning animals. While hiking to an observation spot, I learned that there are 4,900 bison in the park and they have a propensity to poop anywhere and everywhere. Hiking across a meadow is like traversing a mine field of dookie. The enormous elk are also ubiquitous here, as are their droppings but I couldn’t tell their scat from bison scat. I guess some folks are right, I don’t know shit.

The park is also loaded with bears and if you come in contact with one, you need to have bear spray. I bought one but I have to tell you that bear spray is nothing like mosquito spray. You are supposed to spray it AT the bear. Live and learn.

The rest of the day we saw coyotes, eagles, osprey, mountain goats and other animals all being photographed by people with camera lenses the size of pontoons. Apparently when it comes to wildlife photography, size matters.

DAY TWO

We started early again and were rewarded with views of hundreds of bison amid millions of bison chips. This day was dedicated to geysers and we saw quite a few at the Norris Geyser Basin. Old people watching geysers made us geezer geyser gazers. (rim shot).

There are a lot of geysers, hot springs and mud pots in the park because it sits atop the world’s largest volcano. It hasn’t erupted in 65,000 years but experts predict that it could go off any minute. This is reassuring news. At least if it blows while I’m here, I’ll get some great photos for Facebook.

The high point of the day was seeing Old Faithful, the geyser that has been erupting regularly for eons. It was erupting at 90 minute intervals the day we were there and seats around the geyser soon taken up by bus loads of foreign visitors. When Old Faithful erupted, they took pictures and got back on the bus. I sat around and waited for the next show. I’m getting my $10 worth on this trip

DAY THREE

I have been in the park for three days now, and no sign of a bear. We did, however cross over the Continental Divide, a line defining the flow of water on the continent. All water that falls to the east of the divide eventually winds up in the Atlantic, while water that falls to the west of the divide goes to the Pacific. I don’t know what happens to water that falls to the north or south of the divide but I guess that’s another mystery of nature.

As we continued on our way to Lake Yellowstone, I found time to contemplate reality. The reality was that I was on vacation atop the world’s biggest volcano – which could go off at any time – surrounded by animals that could kill me, in an area that experiences 2,000 earthquakes a year, at an altitude that makes it hard to breathe. This is about as much nature as I care to experience.

There is no TV service in the park, no internet, and limited cell phone service. Unfortunately, there are a plethora of selfie sticks, gimmicks that represents everything that’s wrong with the world today.

There are also signs posted everywhere warning visitors to stay 25 yards away from wild animals lest they be killed and/or thrown out of the park, but the selfie-stickers pay no attention and March right up to the animals. Perhaps they can’t read the sign with the red circle with a line through it but was an example of another of nature’s wonders, natural selection.

DAY FOUR

Although it is early in the season, the roads in the park are starting to get full of cars and RVs, and when one of them spots wildlife along the road, they all stop creating what is known as a “bear jam.” One such bear jam caused us to exit our vehicle and climb a hill where, in the distance, we saw a grizzly bear and her cub. Even though we were the requisite 100 yards from a bear, I made sure I stood behind somebody with a selfie stick that I could outrun if the bear charged.

Phil set up some industrial strength telescopes and we were able to look at Gentle Betty…and her cub. Alas, I don’t have a mortar-sized  lens on my camera so my pictures of the bear look much like brown dots.

After the thrilling bear sighting, we continued to the Grand Canyon of Yellowstone. Here we were greeted by magnificent waterfalls, a colorful canyon, and tourists who think they have to be the center of every picture they take. I photo-bombed as many as I could. We got caught up in another bear jam, this time it was a black bear quite close to the road. The odd thing about this bear is that he had a selfie stick.

The end of the tour brought us back to Mammoth Hot Springs, which seem to have gotten even mammother in our absence. And the same elk were there to greet us again. They must be union elk and this is their summer gig.

The next day I drove back to Bozeman on a road where the speed limit is 80 MPH. Like I said, there’s not much to look at along the way.

I saw a lot in five days but Yellowstone offers so much more to see and it is all spectacularly beautiful. I’m sure I will be back because, hey, I have a lifetime pass, I look forward to using my pass at as many national parks as I can. If you have a recommendation, let me know at Dale@DaleIrvin.com.

Follow

Share on Tumblr

Let me begin by irritating extreme animal lovers. I use the word extreme because we all love animals. I love animals. I love dogs, birds, and jack-a-lopes, but extreme animal lovers love all animals including those that are a pain in the ass i.e. squirrels.

In my opinion, squirrels were put on earth strictly for decoration. They’re nice to look at but they add absolutely nothing to the animal society. Squirrels are the Kardashians of the animal kingdom.

Think about it. Have you ever seen a squirrel do anything constructive? Beavers build dams, horses pull wagons, but squirrels do squat. They run around the yard all day like they don’t have a care in the world. They wouldn’t even make good pets. They can’t fetch, they don’t purr, and if you let one in your house, they will trash it. They have no use.

Not only are squirrels do-nothings, they have numerous disgusting qualities as well. As I mentioned earlier, I love birds. I like to watch them as they enjoy the birdseed banquet I prepared for them in their feeder. Their BIRD feeder which I fill with birdseed is for the BIRDS ONLY. 

I don’t have any squirrel feeders in my yard but that doesn’t stop the furry little felons from pilfering my bird seed. They climb up the feeder, hang upside down, and eat their fill. After I outfitted my feeder with the latest anti-squirrel technology, they went so far as to rig a catapult and shoot one squirrel at a time towards the feeder.

None of the other animals like squirrels, perhaps because of their constant thievery. We already know that birds are not their friends, and if you own a dog, you know that canines don’t care for them either. You never see squirrels hanging out with other animals, because none of the animals like them. Unlike the horse, the camel, and the oxen, a squirrel can’t be trained, it doesn’t listen to directions, and it has very little upper body strength. Those are the same qualities we use to elect our politicians. Ha, ha, a squirrel could be the next president. Wait a minute, that might be the answer!

If we take the most famous squirrel in history, a.k.a. Rocket J. Squirrel and get him to run for president, we would finally have a viable alternate choice. Rocky for president and Bullwinkle for veep. I can see it now. Rocky will say that Trump’s hair looks like the nest he grew up in and he’ll remind Hillary that he’s cuter.

So, hop on the bandwagon with me my friends and vote Rocky The Flying Squirrel for President. What’s one more fictional character in this race?

Follow

Share on Tumblr

 I like spring because everything starts to grow anew, especially weeds. I am not a fan of weeds and spend a lot of time yanking them out of my garden. I imagine that every weed I pull represents somebody currently running for president and rip them out by the roots.

Spring could actually be used as an analogy to compare the candidates still in the race. Let’s start with the birds of spring. They fly around, lay eggs, eat the seed I put out for them, and poop on my car. If birds could vote, they’d probably go for Bernie Sanders.

Moles also reappear in the spring. They are disgusting creatures that dine on grubs and undermine your lawn with tunnels. They are also unpleasant to look at and have tiny hands. I believe the mole lobby would go overwhelmingly for Trump.

One bird that doesn’t eat seed from the feeder is the hawk. The hawk just glides around in the sky all day until it spots a creature to eat. Then the hawk swoops down and grabs its prey before it ever knows what hit it. Hawks for Hillary.

There is also a spring reemergence of the opossum. It is an odd looking animal that would never win a beauty contest. It keeps its babies in a pouch and its biggest defense is to play dead. The possums are Cruz supporters.

No matter who winds up winning, I will plant my garden this spring. I plant a garden every year to provide food for chipmunks and rabbits. In the past, my pests consumed everything in my garden before it had a chance to grow. I never tasted the bounty of the harvest, until last year.

Last year I planted a crop that the chipmunks and rabbits would hate. Beets. Nobody likes beets including me, but I wound up with a bumper crop. If beets could vote, they’d go for Kasich.

Spring is also synonymous with spring cleaning, the time of year when you come to realize that you have been living in dirt all winter. For some reason, you don’t know how dusty things really are until you dust them.

I volunteer to do the spring cleaning at my house and developed a method that works for me and will work for you too. It’s called The Man’s Method for Spring Cleaning. First, pick a nice day for your cleaning when you can open up all of the doors and windows and let in some fresh air. Then, starting at the front door, use your leaf blower and go room to room, dusting and sweeping at the same time. You will be done with the entire house in a fraction of the time it would take with a dust cloth so you can use your extra time to watch the big game on TV. Unfortunately, you blew your remote control out the window.

Follow

Share on Tumblr

Let me begin by stating that even though the headline is about sex, the following article is not salacious, racy, or dirty. This is an article about what once was and what now is. My target audience is Baby Boomers, defined as those being born between 1946 and 1964. You remember the 1960’s as a rebellious era when free love was the word of the day. Good times.

You are also old enough to be in or near your own personal 60’s. And if you are sixty or older you know that your sixties are different from the sixties and  I want to point out the differences, especially when it comes to the least common denominator, sex.

I have compared what I can remember of sex in the sixties with what I recall from sex in my sixties, and have come to the following observations. See if you agree.

Sex In The Sixties – Because we lived at home with our parents, sex was limited to automobiles. Back then cars had real back seats that people could screw on, and the ideal place to park the car was at a drive-in movie. It didn’t make any difference what the movie was, you had a six pack of Pabst and a big-ass back seat. Party on.

Sex In Your Sixties – Sex no longer happens in the car. Not only are cars smaller but you are not as agile as you once were. So sex happens in the bed…in the dark…and no fancy stuff. If you ever have the urge to have sex in the car again, I suggest you hire a limo, and bring a six pack of Pabst.

Sex In The Sixties – Since it was a new experience for us, it took a while to get the hang of it. We may have been quick to finish but we were good to go again in 10 minutes.

Sex In Your Sixties – When you get older, it’s not about how and when you finish, it’s more about getting started. The beginning is not as impetuous as it once was and requires additional attention. In extreme cases, there is medication that could keep you occupied for the next four hours. Minor cases can be treated with porn.

Sex In The Sixties – Hickeys or sucker bites were marks on your neck and they were a big deal.

Sex In Your Sixties – Marks on your neck are called age spots and are only a big deal if they start changing shape.

Sex In The Sixties – To keep yourself from prematurely arriving at the happy ending, you think about baseball.

Sex In Your Sixties – You no longer think about baseball, unless it’s about a naked all-woman team doing calisthenics.

Sex In The Sixties – Sex was spontaneous. It could happen at any time, in any place.

Sex In Your Sixties – Sex is planned for well in advance. Liquor may be involved.

Sex In The Sixties – Getting to second base was a major accomplishment.

Sex In Your Sixties – Staying awake after 10 o’clock is an accomplishment.

Sex In The Sixties – Condoms were worn to prevent pregnancies.

Sex In Your Sixties – Condoms are worn for support, especially if you wear two or three at a time.

Sex In The Sixties – It was all we thought about, all the time.

Sex In Your Sixties – Sex has moved down the list of things we think about all the time and currently ranks fourth behind sports,  fishing, and, pie.

I hoped my Boomer readers enjoyed this article. If you are younger than a Boomer, this is your future. Cheers.

Follow

Share on Tumblr

Today is the last day of the year and time to make your New Year’s resolutions. 

Resolutions are promises that you make to yourself, and since they are only to yourself, you don’t feel that bad when you break them.

People make resolutions to lose something, do something, learn something, or obtain something but rarely, if ever, follow through with them. This year, my number one resolution is to follow through on my resolutions. That said, I hereby resolve to the following promises

1. Lose Something. I don’t plan on losing weight in the new year because that’s too hard. Instead, I vow that I will lose more hair.

2. Do Something. I vow that the thing I will do in 2016 is to cast my vote for president no matter how disgusting the choices may be.

3. Learn Something. I plan to learn if that prince from Nigeria is really on the up and up this year. If he doesn’t put the money in my account by midnight, I’ll know that something’s up.

4. Obtain Something. I plan on obtaining an advanced degree in the new year. I want to go beyond masters, or a doctorate, and go straight to getting the Nth degree. I’ve heard a lot about it and I can get one online from the University of Phoenix

One more thing. I think we need a new holiday for January 2nd. On the day after Christmas, many countries celebrate Boxing Day. Nobody knows what it means but it’s another day off so what the heck. I think we should designate the day after New Years for the same reason.

I think January 2nd should be called Do-Over Day. This is the time to reassess your 2016 resolutions and drop the ones that are stupid, unrealistic, or were made under the influence of champagne. Everybody needs a do over and this is the perfect day to do it. Let’s make Do-Over Day a reality. Write your congressperson and let me know what they say.

Follow

Share on Tumblr