A Viral Editorial

By now, you may have heard that we are in the middle of a pandemic. A pandemic is worse than an epidemic, or an academic, in that anybody, anywhere can catch it. It’s like CNN. You can go anyplace in the world, turn on the TV, and find CNN. Like we need to be constantly reminded that it’s bad out there.

A reader asked me what my thoughts are about the COVID-19 / CNN virus, and quite honestly, I don’t have any. I am not allowed to leave my house, and if I do I have to wear a mask while constantly washing my hands. That is a lot to think about and leaves me little time for other, more purifying thoughts. Like toilet paper. Since it is now more valuable than oil, people are hoarding as much as they can get their hands on, and I want to know if there are other uses for toilet paper that I don’t know about. 

I know the first reasons, number one and number two but beyond that I don’t know why anyone would need so much TP. Then I read about people putting on weight during this crises because they are bored and have nothing else to do but eat. Well, find something to do chubby because you’re using up our paper. Think about it, the more you eat, the more occasions there will be to use toilet paper. By doing simple math, I came to the conclusion that the less you eat, the less paper you are going to need.

I also want to know what’s up with face touching. Authorities tell us not to touch our faces but that’s easy for them to say because it’s not  their face. It’s your face and you have a right to touch it. The problem exists in that the virus can exist on your recently washed hands and enter your body through your head openings, being ears, nose, mouth and eyes. Therefore, the way I see it, if I deny access to those openings, I should be able to touch my face with my newly washed hands. So if you are a face-toucher like me, all you have to do is use goggles to cover your eyes, ear plugs in your ears, cotton your nostrils, so you can breathe, and a strip of duct tape across your mouth. Then feel free to feel away.

And I would like to know why, in this time of home confinement, the television networks insist on giving us the crappiest programs they have. Personally, I don’t give a rat’s ass who the Bachelor picks, what game Ellen is playing, or who claims to be a Mental Samurai. It’s all mindless pap that doesn’t deserve our attention. What we need are more shows like The Tiger King. It opens our eyes to another world, and opens our throats when we gag. But, in this time of need, where is the Tiger King? He’s sitting in prison waiting for COVID-19 or a presidential pardon, which ever come first. 

So I guess my thoughts about the coronavirus are that it is bad, and you should stay away from it. #useyourbrain #washyourhands #hashtag.

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