I like spring because everything starts to grow anew, especially weeds. I am not a fan of weeds and spend a lot of time yanking them out of my garden. I imagine that every weed I pull represents somebody currently running for president and rip them out by the roots.
Spring could actually be used as an analogy to compare the candidates still in the race. Let’s start with the birds of spring. They fly around, lay eggs, eat the seed I put out for them, and poop on my car. If birds could vote, they’d probably go for Bernie Sanders.
Moles also reappear in the spring. They are disgusting creatures that dine on grubs and undermine your lawn with tunnels. They are also unpleasant to look at and have tiny hands. I believe the mole lobby would go overwhelmingly for Trump.
One bird that doesn’t eat seed from the feeder is the hawk. The hawk just glides around in the sky all day until it spots a creature to eat. Then the hawk swoops down and grabs its prey before it ever knows what hit it. Hawks for Hillary.
There is also a spring reemergence of the opossum. It is an odd looking animal that would never win a beauty contest. It keeps its babies in a pouch and its biggest defense is to play dead. The possums are Cruz supporters.
No matter who winds up winning, I will plant my garden this spring. I plant a garden every year to provide food for chipmunks and rabbits. In the past, my pests consumed everything in my garden before it had a chance to grow. I never tasted the bounty of the harvest, until last year.
Last year I planted a crop that the chipmunks and rabbits would hate. Beets. Nobody likes beets including me, but I wound up with a bumper crop. If beets could vote, they’d go for Kasich.
Spring is also synonymous with spring cleaning, the time of year when you come to realize that you have been living in dirt all winter. For some reason, you don’t know how dusty things really are until you dust them.
I volunteer to do the spring cleaning at my house and developed a method that works for me and will work for you too. It’s called The Man’s Method for Spring Cleaning. First, pick a nice day for your cleaning when you can open up all of the doors and windows and let in some fresh air. Then, starting at the front door, use your leaf blower and go room to room, dusting and sweeping at the same time. You will be done with the entire house in a fraction of the time it would take with a dust cloth so you can use your extra time to watch the big game on TV. Unfortunately, you blew your remote control out the window.
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