At this writing, America is 50 days away from electing a new president, who will essentially become the boss of us. This is a frightening thought at this point in the game because we don’t want either of the leading candidates as our boss, and besides that, nobody is the boss of us except us! I could not agree more.

When I become president – #Dale4POTUS – I promise you that I will not become the boss of you. I don’t want to be your boss unless you are so hopeless that you cannot function without a boss. If this is the case, I will be your boss and hire you to pick up stuff across the country. We have trash, garbage and animal poop littering every street, sidewalk and park in America and if you want me to be your boss, you will pick it all up. It’s a win/win. We will be helping the underachievers, and have streets that gleam.

As for the rest of you, let me repeat that I will not be your boss, I will be your spokesperson. When I am president, I don’t plan on making many important decisions. Instead I will put it up for a vote from you. For instance, you would receive an e-ballot asking for your yes or no vote on subjects such as; Should we bomb North Korea? What do you think of Vladimir Putin? What if we replace Social Security with a lottery? The future of America will be in your hands.

One thing that I might do on my own is create a few new holidays. For instance, we don’t have a single holiday to celebrate in August. I think we should designate the second long weekend in August as the Dog Days. It would recognize the stifling dog days of August, but also honor man’s best friend. They’ll be big dog parades in every city with the clean-up provided by the underachievers mentioned above.

I will also initiate sponsorship naming rights for our current holidays. For a huge sum of money, you can re-name a holiday. We could have Wal-Mart’s Labor Day; Ace Hardware Flag Day; and Trumpsgiving. It would bring in enough money to pay off a large part of our debt so China doesn’t foreclose on us.

Finally, as your spokesperson, I promise to make my speeches more enjoyable. I will include jokes, wacky videos, and congressional gossip into my presentations. This will get a lot more people to watch my speeches and after a while I will slip in the bad news and they will never see it coming.

I think I have presented a strong case for your vote and I hope that you will write me in on November 8th. If you need a pencil, let me know.

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As you probably know, I am running for president of the United States. Granted, I’m not doing well in the polls right now but the pundits say that the polls don’t matter until after Labor Day. Apparently, the people polled buy new mattresses on Labor Day (as set by law: The Mattress Act of 1959) sleep on them, and in the morning, decide who should be president. So I’m not going to worry about the polls until you have a chance to sleep on it.

I decided to run for president because the other two candidates are idiots. Hillary is nothing more than Pinocchio in a pantsuit, and Donald Trump is the major generator of stupid quotes. I am telling you that I have never lied unless I really, really had to, and the stupidest thing I ever said is that procrastination is best put off until tomorrow.

I want to be your next president for several good reasons. In addition to my stances on defense, the environment, taxes and term limits, I have other stances too. In fact, if there is an issue, I have a stance on it, but so do the other candidates. What sets me apart is that I want to be president because I need a place to live.

I have decided that taxes are too high in Illinois and I need to move elsewhere. What better place to live than the White House. And after I move in, the White House will become the peoples’ house because I plan to hold a lot of parties. I’m not going to toss shindigs for foreign heads of state but will throw real parties for real people.

I will have garden parties, football parties, card parties, and keggers. I will pay for these parties by having periodic White House garage sales. You can’t tell me that after 150 years there isn’t a lot of crap stored up in the attic. Let’s get rid of the junk and make some beer money at the same time.

I also want to be president so that I can appoint my friends to cabinet positions. This would make all of the meetings more fun because we could rib each other and pull pranks. Plus, the guy I have in mind for Secretary of State knows how to use e-mail.

Finally, I want to be president because I wouldn’t have to take my shoes off to get on a plane, and there’s free beer on board. The plane will also operate on my schedule and I’ll have zero chance of ever getting bumped.

I want your vote in 2016 but I don’t want you to think that this campaign is just about me. It’s about all of us. If you are a citizen, you can contact me directly. Write and tell me what’s on your mind, and if I can fix it, I will. If, however, I think you’re nuts, I will turn you over to the IRS. Do you feel lucky today?.

#Dale4POTUS.

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Now that the games of the XXXI Olympiad are almost over, it is time for the IOC to get ready for the 2020 games in Tokyo. Part of the Olympics planning is the inclusion of new events and in the past they have included golf, baseball, and ping pong. In the next four years I would like to see them consider more games to include a greater part of the global population.

Admit it, very few of us can swim that fast, jump that high, or squeeze into tiny spandex unitards. If they want us to watch more of the games, it’s time to include more games that we can relate to. Let’s take shuffleboard for instance. In the Winter Olympics, curling is a sport, and it is is nothing more than shuffleboard on ice, so why not include shuffleboard on land?

Swimming, diving, and water polo are the current sports in the Olympics so let’s include the most popular water sport of all time, Marco Polo. It would be exciting to see blindfolded swimmers splashing around, trying to catch competitors from other countries.

The Olympics currently include freestyle wrestling and Greco Roman wrestling, so why not add Arm Wrestling and Thumb Wrestling? They’re sports currently played in bars around the world.

Badminton and trampoline, popular backyard activities are in the Olympics so I say that we include the most universal backyard games, Hide & Seek and Tag. Both require a lot of running as well as evasive tactics and would bring in huge TV numbers.

And while Joey Chestnut continues to eat his way to victory in the annual Nathan’s hot dog eating competition, you can’’t tell me that there aren’t competitive eaters in other countries who could beat him. To make the competitive eating challenge more exciting, the host country would get to select the food to be consumed. In 2020 the games will be in Japan so I think a sushi eating contest would be appropriate and fun to watch. And you thought Zika made you sick, wait until you see competitors packing their cheeks full of raw fish.

Finally, it is time to embrace the Pokemon Go craze and involve millions of millennial slackers in the Olympics. Players would be turned loose in Tokyo to capture elusive imaginary monsters, and to make it even more interesting, we could throw a few real monsters into the mix. Hello Godzilla.

If you are a member of the IOC selection committee, I offer these suggestions to you for free in the hopes that the next Olympic games will be the best ever, and just maybe, I’d have a chance at a gold medal.

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In my never-ending quest to discover the core difference between men and women, I have recently discovered yet another parting of the thought patterns.

Out of the blue, one day, my wife said, “I want to re-do the bathroom.” Since she didn’t say “I want you to re-do the bathroom”, I was okay with the idea. I figured that a
“re-do” involved a paint job and some new towels. I could not have been more mistaken.

Since I don’t watch the same “fix my crappy house” TV shows that my wife does, I did not know that “re-do” meant ripping out everything, down to the bare walls, and then ripping out the walls. After this demolition I will be missing a perfectly good, flush toilet, a perfectly good shower, and some perfectly good walls. Why? Because I’m getting a re-do.

There are many decisions to be made in a bathroom re-do. First, you have to pick out new fixtures like a toilet and a sink. I was very used to my old toilet. We bonded over the years and I always knew it would be there to support and comfort me. But now I have to get a new toilet, one that I don’t know.

So we went to the Toilet, Sink, & Shower store to select the new fixtures. I didn’t care what the sink looked like. It’s a bowl that holds water. But the toilet, that was another matter. I needed to find my perfect comfort level, so I grabbed a magazine and sat on every toilet in the store to find just the right one. I like the one we picked out. It has a cup holder.

We also needed to decide on expensive faucet and handles for the sink and a new expensive shower head for the shower. There was quite a selection but thankfully, all of them were expensive. I let my wife decide on the sink handles and I picked out the shower head. I got one with a bunch of nozzles that shoot from six different angles. Sounds like shower-time fun.

Once the fixtures were decided upon, tile selection appeared on the agenda. Again, I really don’t care about tile and care even less about the color of grout. I only need a comfortable toilet and a shower with nozzles and I’m good. The tile could be any color, any pattern, and I don’t care.

At this point I thought my part of the re-do was over, but again, I was more mistaken than Hillary Clinton deleting e-mails. I was given a document called an “estimate” and just about “shit” my pants. The re-do of a perfectly good, properly flushing bathroom was going to cost more than college tuition, which is fitting because I will be using it to read and study. If Bernie Sanders were president I’d probably get it for free.

The destruction/reconstruction process has not yet begun, but once it does, it will last for weeks and weeks because home projects always do. I’ll let you know how everything works out.

Anybody want to buy my old toilet? It’s on Ebay.

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I have always written every word of this blog myself, but recently I was approached by a new writer with a fresh take on things. I invited him to contribute to this week’s article and he submitted the following. If you like it, I’ll try to convince him to do more. That said, here is Eddie Lubitsch.

Hello, I’m Eddie Lubitsch and I am very angry. I am angry at the government, the weather, the economy, the election, and I’m most angry at stupid people. I like to refer to myself as Eddie Lubitsch, The Last Angry Man, and I hope you do too.

So what makes me angry today? I’ll tell ya. Today I woke up early and decided to make myself breakfast rather than wake my wife Estelle, because if I woke her up to make breakfast she’d probably spit in my eggs.

All I wanted to eat was a piece of toast and a slice or two of bacon. This is when I had an epiphany. Why not drape two slices of bacon over a piece of bread and drop it in the toaster? I’d have everything ready at once, or so I thought. What I had was a fire in the toaster. I grabbed a towel and smothered the fire but not before the smoke detectors screamed, waking Estelle.

It only got worse from there and the worse things get, the angrier I become. Later in the afternoon, after I had been called an idiot, a pinhead, and a doofus, I told Estelle that it was not my fault. There was no warning anywhere on the toaster that said I shouldn’t cook bacon in it. How was I supposed to know? The fault lies squarely on the shoulders of the toaster titans.

I called my Native American female lawyer, Sue Sioux, and informed her of my plan. I wanted the toaster company to pay for my incompetence with some new regulations on toasters. How about a built in fire extinguisher to put out future fires? Or at the very least make the toaster operable only by the person who bought it, after they have been given a training course on safe toaster operation.

My attorney suddenly had to take another call and somehow we got cut off, but I will not let this matter drop. Maybe the problem is not with the toaster but with the bacon. Perhaps the pork producers should concentrate on developing a less flammable bacon. And when you buy bacon, you will have to register your rashers with the local fire department.

I am confident that none of these things will happen, and realize that I am at the fuzzy end of the lollipop again. Thank you for reading this rant, and until we communicate again, I remain Eddie Lubitsch, The Last Angry Man.

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