Let me begin by irritating extreme animal lovers. I use the word extreme because we all love animals. I love animals. I love dogs, birds, and jack-a-lopes, but extreme animal lovers love all animals including those that are a pain in the ass i.e. squirrels.
In my opinion, squirrels were put on earth strictly for decoration. They’re nice to look at but they add absolutely nothing to the animal society. Squirrels are the Kardashians of the animal kingdom.
Think about it. Have you ever seen a squirrel do anything constructive? Beavers build dams, horses pull wagons, but squirrels do squat. They run around the yard all day like they don’t have a care in the world. They wouldn’t even make good pets. They can’t fetch, they don’t purr, and if you let one in your house, they will trash it. They have no use.
Not only are squirrels do-nothings, they have numerous disgusting qualities as well. As I mentioned earlier, I love birds. I like to watch them as they enjoy the birdseed banquet I prepared for them in their feeder. Their BIRD feeder which I fill with birdseed is for the BIRDS ONLY.
I don’t have any squirrel feeders in my yard but that doesn’t stop the furry little felons from pilfering my bird seed. They climb up the feeder, hang upside down, and eat their fill. After I outfitted my feeder with the latest anti-squirrel technology, they went so far as to rig a catapult and shoot one squirrel at a time towards the feeder.
None of the other animals like squirrels, perhaps because of their constant thievery. We already know that birds are not their friends, and if you own a dog, you know that canines don’t care for them either. You never see squirrels hanging out with other animals, because none of the animals like them. Unlike the horse, the camel, and the oxen, a squirrel can’t be trained, it doesn’t listen to directions, and it has very little upper body strength. Those are the same qualities we use to elect our politicians. Ha, ha, a squirrel could be the next president. Wait a minute, that might be the answer!
If we take the most famous squirrel in history, a.k.a. Rocket J. Squirrel and get him to run for president, we would finally have a viable alternate choice. Rocky for president and Bullwinkle for veep. I can see it now. Rocky will say that Trump’s hair looks like the nest he grew up in and he’ll remind Hillary that he’s cuter.
So, hop on the bandwagon with me my friends and vote Rocky The Flying Squirrel for President. What’s one more fictional character in this race?