I am convinced that the human race is about to follow the dinosaurs, the dodo birds, and the moderate Republicans into extinction. In the next thousand years I believe that mankind will slowly disappear, giving way to a more superior species like the dog. We are on our way out my friends and I have the signs to prove it.

There are always signs before a disaster, it’s just that nobody ever pays attention to them. Before the Fall of Rome came the Spring of Rome and the Summer of Rome but nobody paid any attention to that. They were too busy listening to Nero practice the fiddle.

Before the collapse of the Soviet Union there were signs. How did they expect to be a player in world politics when their initials were USSR but all of their Olympics uniforms read CCCP. If you can’t get something that simple straight, how can you possibly keep a collection of countries together against their will?

The latest sign I have seen of the extinction of man is that we will soon lose our ability to communicate face-to-face. We currently do almost all of our communications with each other between e-mails, texts, and Facebook. Occasionally we will pick up the cell phone to actually talk to another person but only when we are driving. Most of our chatter is done on line.

Facing this lack of face-to-face in my life, I was very excited to go to the grocery store to deal with real people. The trouble is there are no real people left in the stores anymore. One by one, everybody is switching over to the do-it-yourself checkout system where you scan your items, pay for your items, bag your items, and leave the store without so much as a “Have a nice day” from the automated checkout machine. How rude!

Then I went to the post office to mail a package, excited because you can always count on a postal employee for some witty banter about stamps or postage rates, but alas, that was not to be. I arrived after hours at the post office and had to use the automatic postage station. It was efficient and easy to use but it lacked any human contact. When I go to the post office, I want to know that a human being will safely handle my package…and now that I reread that sentence I would like to swap the word “parcel” for the word “package.” Stop giggling.

The rest of my day was spent at the gas station, renting a DVD from a machine, and getting cash from an ATM. No personal interaction for any of those events. In another five hundred years, we will become a world of mutes who can only communicate through the written word…like this. Good lord, I think I’m already transforming, Rather that looking you in the eye and telling you that we are doomed, I have taken to the written word to do my dirty work for me.

Regard this warning as the first of many signs of the human apocalypse and take heed. Also, go out today and talk to somebody face-to-face. It’s the least you can do to keep the race alive.

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I had an eerie experience this week which has no explanation. After arising, I went into my closet and put on a pair of jeans. For years, I have worn the same brand of jeans in the same size. They always fit me to a T, but this time it was different.

As soon as I put the jeans on, I noticed they were rather loose around the waist. Hoorah, I thought, I’m finally losing some weight, but then I noticed that the jeans were too long too. They weren’t just a little too long, they were roll-up long and I haven’t rolled up the cuffs of my jeans since I was eight years old. These pants were waaay too big for me. To try to adjust the length, I hiked the jeans up higher on my waist to the point where I looked like a dork wearing mom jeans that were still too long. What was going on?

My first thought was that I was shrinking. It’s a well known fact that as people age, they start to shrink a little but I was starting to fade away. Soon I’d be unable to reach the top shelf in the kitchen and will need a ladder to change light bulbs…in the floor lamp. I quickly measured myself. My height was unchanged but the pants were still too big. What’s happening?

I finally came to the conclusion that these were not my pants. Oh sure, they were my brand and labeled in my size but somehow they had grown bigger in the environment of a closet. Did they have a soul, free will, and a heartbeat too. These pants were alive and I feared that they would get so large that one day they would just swallow me up, never to be seen again. So I gave them away.

This brings me to the point of this story. As a man – and I think I speak for all men –  I do not feel comfortable wearing another man’s pants. In fact, I don’t feel comfortable wearing any clothing that has previously been worn by another man no matter how much it has been washed. I don’t know why, but putting on another man’s clothing always seemed creepy to me…not as creepy as putting on women’s clothes but creepy nonetheless. You would never wear another man’s underwear and the rest of the clothing is just a flimsy fabric away from being underwear.

Women, on the other hand, see no problem whatsoever in sharing their clothes. Women of the same size bond because they know that they have just doubled the size of their wardrobes. Women will share dresses, pants, tops, socks, you name it. They’ll even share jewelry. Face it, women are givers which is why they make such good mothers.

Men, on the other hand make the best fathers because fathers always wear their own pants.

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It’s over my friends. It’s all over. I am referring to summer which had it’s demise when Labor Day ended. I know that meteorologists and TV weather people will tell you that summer isn’t over until September 21st but they are just trying to show off by telling us stuff that they know. The rest of us know that Labor Day is the last day of summer.

Need proof? After Labor Day your white belts and white shoes need to go back into the closet until Memorial Day when it becomes fashionable again. Pro football season starts in a few days and we all know that football is not a summer sport, which is why it’s not in the “Summer” Olympics. There’s still tomatoes in the garden but you notice that they are starting to get fewer and further between.

Have you gone into a store lately? They quit selling summer merchandise a long time ago and now the only things you can find are Halloween decorations and space heaters. On top of that, the pools are closed. No more swimming, which is a relief because you haven’t been able to buy a bathing suit since May.

On top of everything else, you have no doubt noticed that the days are getting shorter. Before you know it we’ll be back to that stupid Daylight Savings TIme idea and it will start to get dark at 3 PM. Yes, summer is over and fall is here.

Interesting thing about fall, it is the only season with two names. While summer, spring and winter are known by one name, fall is also called autumn. What’s up with that? Sounds to me like fall is the most uppity of the seasons. But it is now fall and/or autumn and we will contend with it until it’s time to declare winter again. So arm yourselves for the fall, summer is gone.

Put away the pool toys, the picnic supplies, and the play sand, it’s time to get real and prepare for the onslaught of dead leaves and chillier temperatures. Stock up on apple cider and red wine. Mix the cider with vodka or enjoy the wine by itself in front of a raging fire. Note: Check to make sure you have a fireplace before starting a raging fire. Take your sweaters out of the closet and pack up the Speedo. The vacation time is over for another year.

The only positive I can take out of the fact that summer is gone is that as an old guy, I don’t have to go to school. Oh, I could if I wanted to but I don’t HAVE TO, so the onset of fall is not so bad, plus, the malls are a lot less crowded, so I bid farewell to summer. It was good to know you, see you next year, Hope you can stick around a little longer.

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I write the Friday Funnies each week and in them I poke fun at the dumber news stories of the week. Usually they are doozys that bring laughter to the lips and joy to the heart. But every so often, stories come along that are neither cute nor heartwarming but whose tale must be told.

This week there was an abundance of stupid news stories but the following made me cringe a little bit. They are not for the faint of heart or the squeamish which should get them sent all over the internet. You be the judge.

A CASE FOR GUN CONTROL

Pangasinan is a city in the Philippines and Geronimo Narciso was drinking with his friends. In the middle of their drinking, Geronimo pulled out a handgun and fired it up into the air. His friends didn’t think the shots were funny and told him to put the gun away. This is where it gets dicy.

While Geronimo was tucking the gun into the waistband of his pants, it went off, and shot Geronimo right through the old rip cord if you get my drift. The man shot himself in the wiener! But that’s not the weirdest part of the story.

It was reported that this was the latest in a string of global penis shootings. In the last year, men have mowed down their manhoods in Florida, Arizona, Washington, and Trinidad and Tobago. Sounds like we don’t need gun control as much as we need better aim.

HE STUCK A WHAT IN HIS WHAT??

If a gunshot to Li’l Geronimo didn’t make you squiggle, how about the case of a 70-year-old Australian man who went to the emergency room after he stuck a fork in his own urethra (AKA pee hole) in an attempt to achieve sexual satisfaction. I don’t know why any man would do this to himself no matter how good the end result. I just think this poor old guy got confused when somebody to “Go and fork himself.”

READY, AIM, FIRE

I don’t know if you ever had the need to use a public toilet in China but let me assure you that it is not a luxurious visit. Chinese pay toilets are actually pay holes in the floor over which you stand or squat depending upon your need at the time. Since this is not disgusting enough, imagine people with bad aim using the toilets right before you. Roll up your pants Ping.

Now, the city of Shenzhen, China, has enacted a fine of 100 yuan, or about $16.33 if you are caught peeing outside the lines. What I want to know is how they plan on enforcing this new law. They’re going to need evidence so will latrine police be assigned? What about sensors around the hole? Maybe hidden cameras are needed.

It’s time for China to get with the 21st century. Install urinals and commodes and you will soon discover that the people will be more comfortable, potentially improving their aim. You could also adopt the American way of improving aim. Toss a cigarette butt into the bowl first and you have a target – you have a mission.

IS THAT ANOTHER PERSON IN YOUR PANTS?

Finally, there’s the case of Wesley Warren Jr., (pictured above) otherwise known as the man with the 132 pound scrotum. His story was told on TLC this week and it was something to behold. This poor guy actually had the equivalent of another person living in his pants. Since the show, Wesley has had surgery to remove his gargantuan nut-sack and bring him back to normal proportions. The weirdest thing about this story is that Wesley asked the doctors to save his scrotal skin so that he can sell pieces of it on E-Bay. I don’t know about you, but I’m thinking that just in time for the holidays, a luggage tag made out of somebody’s sack is the perfect stocking stuffer.

That’s enough disturbing news for one diatribe. Hopefully you won’t have bad dreams. Comments welcome.

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Survival seems to be a popular topic nowadays. TV shows like Extreme Preppers show how people are preparing for the upcoming apocalypse by storing food, building shelters, and amassing ammunition. Other shows like Survivor are merely games where contestants must outlast each other to become the sole survivor and the winner of one million dollars. This week, survival was at the forefront again with two TV shows that baffled my mind.

First, we witnessed Nik Wallenda “survive” a tightrope walk across the Grand Canyon. Nik was not harnessed or tethered to the wire so one misstep could have sent him plummeting 1500 feet into the river below. Had this happened, it is doubtful that Nik would have survived, but ratings of the replay would have gone through the roof.

Nik’s adventure was a combination of courage, a need for attention, and a religious revival meeting. As he embarked on his 22 minute journey, Nik spent the entire time talking to Jesus who must have been watching the show on the Discovery Channel. This fact alone should make for great promo for the channel. “Jesus watches Discovery, shouldn’t you?”

Apparently the Lord was listening to Nik because he made it across safely even though there were very windy conditions and angry Navajo Indians who claimed Nik was trespassing on their land. After completing his walk, Nik said that his next challenge will be to walk a high wire between the Chrysler Building and the Empire State Building in New York City. This will be even more dangerous because if he falls there, he could land in a garbage filled dumpster or on a hot dog wagon, either one capable of leaving him with an indelible stink.

The point I am trying to make is that Nik survived his walk and had viewers riveted. He had me so involved that I continued to watch Discovery for the program that followed entitled Naked and Afraid.

In this broadcasting gem, two people, a man and a woman, are dropped off in the Costa Rican jungle completely naked for 21 days. All they were equipped with was a machete and a crude map, with the goal of not dying. So many things were wrong with this show that I am not sure where to start.

First, I’ll have to admit, that I was drawn to the show by the “naked” aspect. I mean, who doesn’t want to look at naked people in the jungle? Unfortunately for us prurient voyeurs, Discovery blurred out all camera shots of the naughty bits on the people so all we got were occasional shots of bare asses walking through the woods. (note: If you Google Naked and Afraid, you will get some pictures from the show and a lot that definitely aren’t. Be warned)

Then we watched them struggle to build a shelter and hunt for food while remaining naked. If I was naked in the jungle, the first thing I’d want to do was to fashion a pair of pants and some shoes out of the available materials. Heck, even Adam and Eve used fig leaves to their advantage. Eventually, the woman made a jaunty top and bottom for herself but the guy preferred to dangle. At this point the show went from a survival epic to a giant “Eew” as we tried to imagine how disgusting it must have actually been.

I have to assume that the couple survived because I did not survive the end of the show…which it turns out is a new series. That means every week two new nudies will be released into the wild and we are expected to follow their adventures. Apparently Discovery will do anything for ratings, and if that’s so, here’s an idea they can have for free. Have Nik Wallenda cross between New York skyscrapers while naked. It’s the best (worst) of both possible shows.

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