It got a tad chilly in most of the country this week. Something called a Polar Vortex, which, to me, sounds more like the name of a bottled water or a wrestler from Siberia.

The Polar Vortex is a mass of really really cold air that is normally found closer to the north pole, where they’re used to it. But this week the Polar Vortex dipped south and sent chills from Montana to Manhattan and as far south as Florida.

Here in Chicago, it dropped to18 degrees below zero with a wind chill of -40. The local weather people said that Monday in Chicago was colder than the surface of Mars which was of great relief to me. I now know that I could survive on Mars, if I had a house with central heat, a fireplace, and an electric blanket.

A lot of people are utilizing the cold weather to perform science experiments. For instance, if you take a pot of boiling water outside in this weather and throw it up in the air, the water will turn into instant snow.

Another experiment involves blowing a bubble outside and watching it turn into an instant ice ball. My favorite experiment is to see how long it takes to talk somebody into licking a flag pole.

Surprisingly, no experiments have been performed to determine the discomfort suffered by brass monkeys in this kind of weather.

The main problem is that it is extremely cold outside which seems very odd for a planet undergoing global warming. I know Al Gore is ready to debate me on this but warming generally means an increase in temperature. Freezing means a decrease, so if nothing else, we are suffering from Global Freezing and that tells me we are on the brink of a new ice age. Fortunately I am prepared for this one.

During the last ice age, giant glaciers covered much of the earth. The cold killed most of the dinosaurs, but a few were able to escape the glaciers and move to Boca, a tradition that exists among dinosaurs to this day.

To protect myself from the upcoming glaciers, I am building a house made entirely out of salt, the mortal enemy of ice. Then, I will be campaigning to build a wall between us and Canada. All of this cold is coming from Canada and we need to prevent it from reaching us. We wouldn’t need a real wall, just a line of huge fans along the border that could blow the cold weather back up north.

Finally, I am planning on profiting from the upcoming weather by inventing a suit made entirely out of down comforters. It will come with a thermal white shirt and a tie that heats up. If you wear this suit, you can have comfortable business meetings regardless of the temperature. I think I’m going to call it the Polar Vortex. Order yours today.

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As Christmas nears, there’s no doubt in the midst of shopping for the gifts mentioned in The 12 Days of Christmas. This year, the cost for all of the items on the list is $114,651, up 7.7% from last year. If you want to save some money, you can just get one item from each category (1 golden ring, 1 piper piping, 1 lady dancing, etc.) for a mere $27,393.

When I first heard this news I had the same reaction I have for Christmas automobile commercials, the ones that infer that we should buy our loved ones a new car for Christmas. That reaction is; WTF!

I still don’t know how we got to the level of society where we think it’s perfectly normal to give someone a new car for Christmas. A toy train, yes; a real car, no.

The gifts mentioned in The12 Days of Christmas have sentimental value, but honestly, who would want the junk in that song? Most of it is livestock or hired entertainers, and $114,651 is a lot of money. So I compiled a new gift list for the 12 Days of Christmas with all of the sentiment at a fraction of the cost. I call it,

DALE’S GUIDE TO THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS.

“On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a partridge in a pear tree.”

When giving a series of gifts, it is important to set the tone with the first gift. Send your true love the same gift mentioned in the song, a pear tree with a partridge in it. Buy an artificial tree at Target and tie a pigeon to it. Cost: $50

“On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, two turtle doves.”

I have never seen a turtle dove and doubt if such a creature exists. Half turtle and half dove? Tell me how that’s gonna work. You’re going to get a bird with armor or a turtle with wings, either way a mythical critter. Send your true love a card instead. Cost: $3

“On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, three French hens”

Another literal translation for this day’s gift except instead of French hens, go for Cornish hens. You can pick them up in the frozen foods section. Thaw them, cook them, and present them to your true love. If they’re really your true love, do the dishes too. Cost: $15

“On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, four calling birds”

Another mythical creature. Admit it, have you ever seen a bird make a call? Me neither. Maybe I saw it once in the movies, with a parrot packing at the numbers, but seriously, how many of the calling birds are there? Send another card. Cost $3

“On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, five gold rings”

Two ways to go on this translation. First, you could actually buy your true love five golden rings. It would certainly be well received and it would make up for all of the rest of the stupid gifts.

Or, you could buy her five glazed donuts. They’re golden and they’re rings. Cost: $5

“On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, six geese a laying.”

What do laying geese produce? Eggs. Today’s gift is half a dozen eggs. Make breakfast. Do dishes. Cost: $1

“On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, seven swans a swimming”

More poultry? Send another card along with a bottle of Seagrams Seven. When your true love does a couple of shots they will see swans a swimming. Cost: $30

“On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, eight maids a milking”

Turns out that at $7.25 an hour, you can get 8 maids for 60 minutes for only $58. Of course the maids need cows which are $1,000 apiece so the whole thing becomes unreasonable. Send a card and a gallon of milk. (8 pints in a gallon) Cost: $6

“On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, nine ladies dancing.”

What better place to see nine ladies dancing than at the Bada Bing Club. If your true love doesn’t like ladies pole dancing, go by yourself. This gift is a win/win. Cost: $1000

“On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, ten lords a leaping.”

This one presents a problem, at least here in America where we don’t have any lords, as opposed to England where lords a leaping are a dime a dozen.

Here in the colonies, the only lord I could find was Jack Lord, the actor from the real Hawaii Five-O. Unfortunately he is currently deceased and thereby incapable of leaping. Back to the card store. Cost $3

“On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, eleven pipers piping.”

I never knew if the pipers in this gift referred to people playing musical instruments or plumbers. Since plumbers are more useful that Zam Fir, send your true love a plumbing starter kit with 11 different sizes of pipes. It’s genius and who doesn’t like a nice pipe? Cost $25

“On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, twelve drummers drumming.”

CDs of Buddy Rich, Gene Krupa, Keith Moon, and your choice of 9 others will fill your true love’s drumming needs. Cost: $200

There you have it. Gifts to cover all 12 Days of Christmas at a fraction of the cost of the original. You can get all of these gifts for only $1,311. This amount could go higher depending on your tipping generosity to the nine ladies dancing but it’s still cheaper than $114,651. Good luck with your shopping and let me know how these gifts work out for you.

Next week, “Money Saving Tips For New Year’s Eve.”

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Like everybody else, I have started thinking about my Christmas shopping. I haven’t actually done any shopping yet because I hate shopping, so I am basing my observations on things I have seen in advertising pieces, catalogs, and TV ads. I have not yet set foot in any store to do my shopping yet,but when I do, I want to be ready.

1. It appears to me that nobody has ever paid full price for anything at Kohls. In fact, I think it is impossible. They even give you money back when you buy something. I have no idea how this store stays in business.

2. Men believe that no matter how big of a TV you have, there’s always going to be a bigger one. Men also try to get you to believe that size doesn’t matter. What hypocrites.

3. Give the gift of a vacuum cleaner, but only to your mom. Do not give a vacuum cleaner to wife unless you don’t want to have sex for a year. Also, this is not a good present for the dog.

4. I want one of those Nerf bow and arrow sets…and a cat. (it’s a joke, no letters please)

5. There’s a $20 coffee maker, and there’s a $100 coffee maker. It’s only coffee for crying out loud, you don’t need a lot of technology to make it. It’s not like you’re buying a waffle iron.

6. Inflatable holiday lawn decorations are fine but if you put up inflatables, you must promise to keep them inflated 24 hours a day. If you turn them off in the day, they collapse on the ground and the rest of us have to explain to small children why Santa is dead.

7. Smart phones are still selling. It seems that there are still 27 people in the country who don’t have a smart phone. Several are in your own family.

8. Apparently, you can sell anything if you connect it to Duck Dynasty. They even have Duck Dynasty Chia Pets where the seeds grow into a beard, and Duck Dynasty bobble heads that have bigger IQs than the real guys.

9. You can get your gifts at the Dollar Store, or go to the store I saw advertised, the Five Below Store where everything is $5 or less. For when you really care about your relatives.

10. From the ads I have seen, the best gift you can give your loved one is a new car with a giant bow on top. I think the ads are starting to work on me. Seeing Michael Bolton on the Honda commercials makes me want to run out and buy a Toyota, an Audi, or half a Lexus.
I hope these observations provide you with useful information while doing your holiday shopping.

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As we approach Halloween, I wonder, where did it come from? How did Halloween start? Why do people give away candy? What’s with the costumes? Pumpkins? Explain. So, as a public service, I delved into the history of the holiday we now know as Halloween and present my findings.

Halloween began in the 14th century during the Bubonic plague epidemic. They had a lot of dead people and skeletons lying around so they figured, why not have a party? The living people dressed up like their departed friends and family which is why to this day the most popular costumes are ghosts, skeletons, and zombies. The popular attraction of haunted houses also goes back to this period when every house on the block was scarier than the next.

The witch costume was popular in Salem, Massachusetts around 1690 but in 1692 the city started their famous witch trials and if you went out on Halloween dressed as a witch you would most likely have been burned at the stake.

The tradition of giving candy didn’t begin until the 1800’s when dentistry started to become popular. To give their business a boost, dentists began the practice of giving out sugary candy on Halloween and encouraged their neighbors to do the same. Pretty soon, troops of costumed children would go door to door for candy and then they would go to the dentist to have their cavities filled.

As far as the pumpkins go, they have a story all their own. Around this time of year in the late 1800’s, one of the most loved entertainers of the day passed into the great beyond.

John Gourd, better known by his Irish stage name, Jack O’Lantern, was a stand up comic in the Catskills in the late 1800’s and was quite popular. He played at picnics, socials, and barn raisings and regaled the crowd with funny stories and a little tap dancing. He got rave reviews including: “What a cut-up.” “He seemed to glow from the inside.” “I was mesmerized by his triangle eyes.” “He’s certainly carved out a niche for himself.”

After his death due to a nasty fall off of the porch, people honored him by carving his effigy into pumpkins every year about this time.

Another popular Halloween activity involves a tub full of water and some apples. During this game, a person has to lean over a bucket and try to catch an apple with his teeth, without using his hands, or drowning. It’s an impossible task called bobbing for apples. It’s not done much any more. having been replaced by another impossible task, signing up for Obamacare.

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As Halloween approaches, we get ready for the onslaught of children, teens and drunken adults who will our doorbells and demand treats. These treats usually take the form of candy so I went shopping for some.

I went to Sam’s Club because I needed year’s supply of tuna and a fifty gallon drum of tomato sauce. As I passed the candy aisle, I thought to stock up on my Halloween giveaways.

Normally I buy candy that I like so if there are any leftovers, I can enjoy them to the fullest. Unfortunately every time I do that,I eat all of the candy ahead of time and if I forget to buy more I wind up giving the Halloween kids things I have on hand…like a can of tuna.

To remedy this problem I have taken to buying candy that I don’t like so I won’t be tempted to eat it. This year I even saved money by buying leftover Easter candy at half price. I’ve been saving it since spring and can’t wait to see the looks on the kids faces when they shout “Trick or Treat” and get some nice slightly crunchy Peeps.

There are a lot of candy bars out there to please every taste but one of my favorites always had the best commercial tagline. Mounds and Almond Joy were basically the same chocolate/coconut confection but Almond Joy had the addition of two joyous almonds. Their advertising slogan for these candy siblings was “Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut. Sometimes You Don’t”

When I remembered that slogan it occurred to me that we need to treat our lives more like the difference between Mounds and Almond Joy. No matter how serious things seem to be around you, sometimes it’s good to just “feel like a nut.”

I feel like a nut just about all the time but there are times when I feel more intense nuttiness than others. When this happens to you, feel free to let your inner nut loose on the world and at the same time brighten somebody’s day. There are many ways to release your inner nut from the time tested to the innovative. An oldie but goodie display of nuttiness is too get on an elevator and instead of facing the door, face the other passengers. Don’t say anything, just look at them. Nobody will look back as they all focus on the floor or the elevator buttons. When you get to your floor, back out of the car and be on your way knowing that when the doors close, you will be the topic of conversation.

Another idea I learned from my friend Greg. He taught me to put an industrial strength magnet in the bottom of a paper coffee cup or soft drink container. Then, put the cup on the top of your car. You will soon be signaled, beeped at, and warned by passersby that you have a cup on your roof while you wave and drive on.

My nephew Tim is also a comedian and he travels with a bull horn in his car. He brings it out when stuck in traffic or even while sitting in a bar. Let me just say that a bull horn attracts attention.

If you don’t want to make a scene, simply let your nut out at the supermarket. In the produce section, look at the bin of green beans and after considerable thought select just one bean for your purchase. Then, go to the cashier with one bean in a bag and see what happens.

However you chose to “feel like a nut”, take some time out of your busy day and act up a little bit. You’ll feel better, the people around you will probably get a good laugh and the world can go on for another day.

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