I am convinced that the human race is about to follow the dinosaurs, the dodo birds, and att-text-messaging-plan-changesthe moderate Republicans into extinction. In the next thousand years I believe that mankind will slowly disappear, giving way to a more superior species like the dog. We are on our way out my friends and I have the signs to prove it.

There are always signs before a disaster, it’s just that nobody ever pays attention to them. Before the Fall of Rome came the Spring of Rome and the Summer of Rome but nobody paid any attention to that. They were too busy listening to Nero practice the fiddle.

Before the collapse of the Soviet Union there were signs. How did they expect to be a player in world politics when their initials were USSR but all of their Olympics uniforms read CCCP. If you can’t get something that simple straight, how can you possibly keep a collection of countries together against their will?

The latest sign I have seen of the extinction of man is that we will soon lose our ability to communicate face-to-face. We currently do almost all of our communications with each other between e-mails, texts, and Facebook. Occasionally we will pick up the cell phone to actually talk to another person but only when we are driving. Most of our chatter is done on line.

Facing this lack of face-to-face in my life, I was very excited to go to the grocery store to deal with real people. The trouble is there are no real people left in the stores anymore. One by one, everybody is switching over to the do-it-yourself checkout system where you scan your items, pay for your items, bag your items, and leave the store without so much as a “Have a nice day” from the automated checkout machine. How rude!

Then I went to the post office to mail a package, excited because you can always count on a postal employee for some witty banter about stamps or postage rates, but alas, that was not to be. I arrived after hours at the post office and had to use the automatic postage station. It was efficient and easy to use but it lacked any human contact. When I go to the post office, I want to know that a human being will safely handle my package…and now that I reread that sentence I would like to swap the word “parcel” for the word “package.” Stop giggling.

The rest of my day was spent at the gas station, renting a DVD from a machine, and getting cash from an ATM. No personal interaction for any of those events. In another five hundred years, we will become a world of mutes who can only communicate through the written word…like this. Good lord, I think I’m already transforming, Rather that looking you in the eye and telling you that we are doomed, I have taken to the written word to do my dirty work for me.

Regard this warning as the first of many signs of the human apocalypse and take heed. Also, go out today and talk to somebody face-to-face. It’s the least you can do to keep the race alive.


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