I write the Friday Funnies each week and in them I poke fun at the dumber news stories
of the week. Usually they are doozys that bring laughter to the lips and joy to the heart. But every so often, stories come along that are neither cute nor heartwarming but whose tale must be told.
This week there was an abundance of stupid news stories but the following made me cringe a little bit. They are not for the faint of heart or the squeamish which should get them sent all over the internet. You be the judge.
A CASE FOR GUN CONTROL
Pangasinan is a city in the Philippines and Geronimo Narciso was drinking with his friends. In the middle of their drinking, Geronimo pulled out a handgun and fired it up into the air. His friends didn’t think the shots were funny and told him to put the gun away. This is where it gets dicy.
While Geronimo was tucking the gun into the waistband of his pants, it went off, and shot Geronimo right through the old rip cord if you get my drift. The man shot himself in the wiener! But that’s not the weirdest part of the story.
It was reported that this was the latest in a string of global penis shootings. In the last year, men have mowed down their manhoods in Florida, Arizona, Washington, and Trinidad and Tobago. Sounds like we don’t need gun control as much as we need better aim.
HE STUCK A WHAT IN HIS WHAT??
If a gunshot to Li’l Geronimo didn’t make you squiggle, how about the case of a 70-year-old Australian man who went to the emergency room after he stuck a fork in his own urethra (AKA pee hole) in an attempt to achieve sexual satisfaction. I don’t know why any man would do this to himself no matter how good the end result. I just think this poor old guy got confused when somebody to “Go and fork himself.”
READY, AIM, FIRE
I don’t know if you ever had the need to use a public toilet in China but let me assure you that it is not a luxurious visit. Chinese pay toilets are actually pay holes in the floor over which you stand or squat depending upon your need at the time. Since this is not disgusting enough, imagine people with bad aim using the toilets right before you. Roll up your pants Ping.
Now, the city of Shenzhen, China, has enacted a fine of 100 yuan, or about $16.33 if you are caught peeing outside the lines. What I want to know is how they plan on enforcing this new law. They’re going to need evidence so will latrine police be assigned? What about sensors around the hole? Maybe hidden cameras are needed.
It’s time for China to get with the 21st century. Install urinals and commodes and you will soon discover that the people will be more comfortable, potentially improving their aim. You could also adopt the American way of improving aim. Toss a cigarette butt into the bowl first and you have a target – you have a mission.
IS THAT ANOTHER PERSON IN YOUR PANTS?
Finally, there’s the case of Wesley Warren Jr., (pictured above) otherwise known as the man with the 132 pound scrotum. His story was told on TLC this week and it was something to behold. This poor guy actually had the equivalent of another person living in his pants. Since the show, Wesley has had surgery to remove his gargantuan nut-sack and bring him back to normal proportions. The weirdest thing about this story is that Wesley asked the doctors to save his scrotal skin so that he can sell pieces of it on E-Bay. I don’t know about you, but I’m thinking that just in time for the holidays, a luggage tag made out of somebody’s sack is the perfect stocking stuffer.
That’s enough disturbing news for one diatribe. Hopefully you won’t have bad dreams. Comments welcome.
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