As Christmas nears, there’s no doubt in the midst of shopping for the gifts mentioned in 
The 12 Days of Christmas. This year, the cost for all of the items on the list is $114,651, up 7.7% from last year. If you want to save some money, you can just get one item from each category (1 golden ring, 1 piper piping, 1 lady dancing, etc.) for a mere $27,393.
When I first heard this news I had the same reaction I have for Christmas automobile commercials, the ones that infer that we should buy our loved ones a new car for Christmas. That reaction is; WTF!
I still don’t know how we got to the level of society where we think it’s perfectly normal to give someone a new car for Christmas. A toy train, yes; a real car, no.
The gifts mentioned in The12 Days of Christmas have sentimental value, but honestly, who would want the junk in that song? Most of it is livestock or hired entertainers, and $114,651 is a lot of money. So I compiled a new gift list for the 12 Days of Christmas with all of the sentiment at a fraction of the cost. I call it,
DALE’S GUIDE TO THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS.
“On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a partridge in a pear tree.”
When giving a series of gifts, it is important to set the tone with the first gift. Send your true love the same gift mentioned in the song, a pear tree with a partridge in it. Buy an artificial tree at Target and tie a pigeon to it. Cost: $50
“On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, two turtle doves.”
I have never seen a turtle dove and doubt if such a creature exists. Half turtle and half dove? Tell me how that’s gonna work. You’re going to get a bird with armor or a turtle with wings, either way a mythical critter. Send your true love a card instead. Cost: $3
“On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, three French hens”
Another literal translation for this day’s gift except instead of French hens, go for Cornish hens. You can pick them up in the frozen foods section. Thaw them, cook them, and present them to your true love. If they’re really your true love, do the dishes too. Cost: $15
“On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, four calling birds”
Another mythical creature. Admit it, have you ever seen a bird make a call? Me neither. Maybe I saw it once in the movies, with a parrot packing at the numbers, but seriously, how many of the calling birds are there? Send another card. Cost $3
“On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, five gold rings”
Two ways to go on this translation. First, you could actually buy your true love five golden rings. It would certainly be well received and it would make up for all of the rest of the stupid gifts.
Or, you could buy her five glazed donuts. They’re golden and they’re rings. Cost: $5
“On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, six geese a laying.”
What do laying geese produce? Eggs. Today’s gift is half a dozen eggs. Make breakfast. Do dishes. Cost: $1
“On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, seven swans a swimming”
More poultry? Send another card along with a bottle of Seagrams Seven. When your true love does a couple of shots they will see swans a swimming. Cost: $30
“On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, eight maids a milking”
Turns out that at $7.25 an hour, you can get 8 maids for 60 minutes for only $58. Of course the maids need cows which are $1,000 apiece so the whole thing becomes unreasonable. Send a card and a gallon of milk. (8 pints in a gallon) Cost: $6
“On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, nine ladies dancing.”
What better place to see nine ladies dancing than at the Bada Bing Club. If your true love doesn’t like ladies pole dancing, go by yourself. This gift is a win/win. Cost: $1000
“On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, ten lords a leaping.”
This one presents a problem, at least here in America where we don’t have any lords, as opposed to England where lords a leaping are a dime a dozen.
Here in the colonies, the only lord I could find was Jack Lord, the actor from the real Hawaii Five-O. Unfortunately he is currently deceased and thereby incapable of leaping. Back to the card store. Cost $3
“On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, eleven pipers piping.”
I never knew if the pipers in this gift referred to people playing musical instruments or plumbers. Since plumbers are more useful that Zam Fir, send your true love a plumbing starter kit with 11 different sizes of pipes. It’s genius and who doesn’t like a nice pipe? Cost $25
“On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, twelve drummers drumming.”
CDs of Buddy Rich, Gene Krupa, Keith Moon, and your choice of 9 others will fill your true love’s drumming needs. Cost: $200
There you have it. Gifts to cover all 12 Days of Christmas at a fraction of the cost of the original. You can get all of these gifts for only $1,311. This amount could go higher depending on your tipping generosity to the nine ladies dancing but it’s still cheaper than $114,651. Good luck with your shopping and let me know how these gifts work out for you.
Next week, “Money Saving Tips For New Year’s Eve.”
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