Things I Learned While Christmas Shopping

Like everybody else, I have started thinking about my Christmas shopping. I haven’t tumblr_mdisfrcrb01r7di94o1_500actually done any shopping yet because I hate shopping, so I am basing my observations on things I have seen in advertising pieces, catalogs, and TV ads. I have not yet set foot in any store to do my shopping yet,but when I do, I want to be ready.

1. It appears to me that nobody has ever paid full price for anything at Kohls. In fact, I think it is impossible. They even give you money back when you buy something. I have no idea how this store stays in business.

2. Men believe that no matter how big of a TV you have, there’s always going to be a bigger one. Men also try to get you to believe that size doesn’t matter. What hypocrites.

3. Give the gift of a vacuum cleaner, but only to your mom. Do not give a vacuum cleaner to wife unless you don’t want to have sex for a year. Also, this is not a good present for the dog.

4. I want one of those Nerf bow and arrow sets…and a cat. (it’s a joke, no letters please)

5. There’s a $20 coffee maker, and there’s a $100 coffee maker. It’s only coffee for crying out loud, you don’t need a lot of technology to make it. It’s not like you’re buying a waffle iron.

6. Inflatable holiday lawn decorations are fine but if you put up inflatables, you must promise to keep them inflated 24 hours a day. If you turn them off in the day, they collapse on the ground and the rest of us have to explain to small children why Santa is dead.

7. Smart phones are still selling. It seems that there are still 27 people in the country who don’t have a smart phone. Several are in your own family.

8. Apparently, you can sell anything if you connect it to Duck Dynasty. They even have Duck Dynasty Chia Pets where the seeds grow into a beard, and Duck Dynasty bobble heads that have bigger IQs than the real guys.

9. You can get your gifts at the Dollar Store, or go to the store I saw advertised, the Five Below Store where everything is $5 or less. For when you really care about your relatives.

10. From the ads I have seen, the best gift you can give your loved one is a new car with a giant bow on top. I think the ads are starting to work on me. Seeing Michael Bolton on the Honda commercials makes me want to run out and buy a Toyota, an Audi, or half a Lexus.
I hope these observations provide you with useful information while doing your holiday shopping.

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