Cold Enough For You?

It got a tad chilly in most of the country this week. Something called a Polar Vortex, Unknown-1which, to me, sounds more like the name of a bottled water or a wrestler from Siberia.

The Polar Vortex is a mass of really really cold air that is normally found closer to the north pole, where they’re used to it. But this week the Polar Vortex dipped south and sent chills from Montana to Manhattan and as far south as Florida.

Here in Chicago, it dropped to18 degrees below zero with a wind chill of -40. The local weather people said that Monday in Chicago was colder than the surface of Mars which was of great relief to me. I now know that I could survive on Mars, if I had a house with central heat, a fireplace, and an electric blanket.

A lot of people are utilizing the cold weather to perform science experiments. For instance, if you take a pot of boiling water outside in this weather and throw it up in the air, the water will turn into instant snow.

Another experiment involves blowing a bubble outside and watching it turn into an instant ice ball. My favorite experiment is to see how long it takes to talk somebody into licking a flag pole.

Surprisingly, no experiments have been performed to determine the discomfort suffered by brass monkeys in this kind of weather.

The main problem is that it is extremely cold outside which seems very odd for a planet undergoing global warming. I know Al Gore is ready to debate me on this but warming generally means an increase in temperature. Freezing means a decrease, so if nothing else, we are suffering from Global Freezing and that tells me we are on the brink of a new ice age. Fortunately I am prepared for this one.

During the last ice age, giant glaciers covered much of the earth. The cold killed most of the dinosaurs, but a few were able to escape the glaciers and move to Boca, a tradition that exists among dinosaurs to this day.

To protect myself from the upcoming glaciers, I am building a house made entirely out of salt, the mortal enemy of ice. Then, I will be campaigning to build a wall between us and Canada. All of this cold is coming from Canada and we need to prevent it from reaching us. We wouldn’t need a real wall, just a line of huge fans along the border that could blow the cold weather back up north.

Finally, I am planning on profiting from the upcoming weather by inventing a suit made entirely out of down comforters. It will come with a thermal white shirt and a tie that heats up. If you wear this suit, you can have comfortable business meetings regardless of the temperature. I think I’m going to call it the Polar Vortex. Order yours today.

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