I learned a lot about Australia today that you won’t find in your ordinary tourist books. For instance, I learned that wool is a major export of Australia and that wool comes from sheep. Actually I already knew that wool came from sheep but I had never seen it taken from them before. I grew up in a city and never witnessed a sheep shearing so I had to come halfway around the world to see something I probably could have seen at the county fair.

My client took me to the Tobruk Sheep Station where I learned more about sheep than I really need to know. Let’s look at how they are bred. Only one ram is needed for an entire flock of sheep, and when the time is right, the ram is released and can copulate with as many as 60 sheep in a day. What a great gig. And they don’t even need Viagra. I also learned that 8% of the rams out there are gay and prefer the company of other rams. I am guessing that this is where virgin wool comes from.

The stockman also showed us how to throw a boomerang and I picked it up right away. I threw it and it came right back. It didn’t come of its own accord but the bloke that I hit brought it to me and called me some kind of Australian word that I have yet to look up. I bought a boomerang to bring home because there was no three day waiting period to get one and I figured it would be a good concealed weapon if I were ever attacked by sheep.

I also visited the oldest pub in Sydney. Actually, three pubs claim that distinction but Fortune of War looked the part. It opened its doors in 1828 and hasn’t been dusted since. But it was a very friendly pub with lovely beer and good company.

I also got a chance to visit the famous Sydney Oprah House. When Oprah brought her studio audience here in 2010, she built the Oprah House so she’d have a comfortable place to stay. When you look at the design of the structure you see that it looks like a big bowl of nacho chips, Oprah’s favorite snack.

Now I’m off for more adventure and will report back with the facts as I make them up.

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The flight to Sydney can best be described as level four of Dante’s seven levels of hell. The plane was full of people who would spend the next 15 hours shifting in their uncomfortable seats, removing their shoes, and making bodily noises that come from unknown origin. Ah the joys of air travel.

Some people slept on the flight, some read, and some watched videos. I just flashed back to remember more pleasant experiences in my life like root canal work or a colonoscopy.

The flight was also kind of bumpy. Actually, it was bumpy as hell. I now know what a lottery ball feels like when they turn on the machine. It was the longest carnival ride ever.

Upon landing in Sydney, I had to go through immigration which was highlighted by a line longer than the one for Space Mountain and a system as efficient as the DMV. But after a hour or so, I was admitted to the country and immediately went to my hotel where the concept of lying down in a prone position on a real bed never sounded better.

My cab driver from the airport told me that this is an exciting time in Sydney. They are having the World Cup cricket matches, it’s Chinese New Year, and they are celebrating gay Mardi Gras. So if you are a gay Chinese cricket fan, this is the place to be.

I tried watching a cricket match on TV and I must say that it makes baseball look action packed. In essence, a pitcher hurls a ball towards the batter on one bounce and he has to hit it with a bat the size of a fraternity pledge paddle. I’m not sure what you have to do to score but in the match I was watching between South Africa and India the score was 126 to 85. Apparently defense isn’t that important.

The first sight I saw after leaving my room was the Sydney opera house, an iconic building that highlights the entrance to Sydney harbor. I also saw the Sydney Harbor bridge that is a tourist attraction in its own right. For a mere $150, you can climb to the top of the bridge where the view is fantastic but you aren’t allowed to bring a camera. So even though you go through the exertion of climbing 1400 steps, you can’t take a selfie to prove you were there. I decided that for substantially less money I could Photoshop myself onto the top of the bridge and no one would be the wiser.

Tomorrow I am off to see kangaroos, koalas, wallabies, and other assorted Australian wildlife. At least the animals will let you take pictures with them although the kangaroos expect a tip. That’s what the pouch is for.

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As I near my departure date for Australia, I am on the horns of a dilemma, and if you have ever faced a horny dilemma you know what I mean.

I need to pack for my trip and I don’t know what to pack because I don’t know what Australians wear. I’ve seen pictures of them and the only thing I’m sure about right now is that I need a hat with corks dangling from it. Other than that I wonder what is appropriate for this foreign land?

At first I thought that since the country was built by prisoners, black and white stripes would be a good choice. Then I Googled pictures of aborigines, the first Australians, and discovered that a loin cloth and body paint might be the way to go.

I was going to base my fashion choices on famous Australians like Russel Crowe or Hugh Jackman but they’re over here now and dress like the rest of us. So I looked for an Australian celebrity who’s still in Australia and came up with Dame Edna but that’s not a good look for me.

I know I could wear Ugg boots and fit right in but it’s summer over there right now and I don’t have any Ugg sandals. So I have decided to just pack like I always do, except with a lot more underwear.

The airline suggests that I also pack a carryon with a change of clothes in case my luggage gets lost. Is this a regular event? Luggage gets lost on a 15 hour non-stop flight? This doesn’t say much for their luggage handlers.

My major concern on this trip is the time change. When traveling to Australia I will cross both the International Date Line and the Equator. As far as I know, this could cause some kind of a time warp and when I land it will be Thursday 1983 in which case the clothes I packed are going to be all wrong…except for my parachute pants.

When you next hear from me it will be tomorrow in Australia, so if you read this on a Monday, it’s Tuesday in Australia. This means that I will know the winning lottery numbers a day ahead. I can’t believe nobody thought of this before but I plan to cash in big time. Cha ching!

Next stop, Sydney.

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 I am about to embark on an adventure to the land furthest away from Downers Grove, IL without having to leave the atmosphere. I am going to Australia, a place I have never visited, and although exciting, this trip has me a bit concerned.

I am going down under to make people laugh, but before booking this job, I confess that I did not know much about Australia. I knew about the kangaroos, Waltzing Matilda, and the fact that when you flush the toilet, it swirls clockwise. Here in the northern hemisphere, they swirl in a counterclockwise pattern. If you don’t believe me, get up right now and flush the toilet.

Because of my lack of knowledge, I decided to read several books about Australia. The first fact I picked up is that there are 245 creatures in Australia that can kill you. These include spiders, snakes, sharks, jellyfish, other assorted sea creatures, and ticks. The ten deadliest snakes in the world all call Australia home. I am packing 10 cans of Raid in my suitcase, wearing snake-proof boots, and not going in the water, because that would ruin my snake-proof boots.

I also learned that Australia was discovered by Captain Cook, the same guy who brought us Hawaii. He didn’t find the aborigines of Australia to be as friendly as the natives in Hawaii so he went back to Honolulu where he was promptly killed and eaten by very friendly cannibals.

On my flight, I will be landing in Sydney after getting to spend 19 hours inside of an airplane. Thank God I got a center seat so I’ll have somebody to talk to. Actually, I plan to spend the time sleeping because fortunately, I can sleep anywhere, any time, in any position. Unfortunately I sleep in the nude.

The best part about this trip is that while it is the dead of winter up here, it’s summertime in Australia. The current temperature in Sydney is 27 Celsius. If you aren’t familiar with the metric system, 1 Celsius = 2.9 kilograms.

I’m looking forward to trying the food in Australia because it’s the only place you can get fresh kangaroo. Kangaroo, along with emu and crocodile comprise some of the top Aussie delicacies. Throw in Vegemite and you have a full culinary experience. I booked a hotel near a KFC just in case.

The main thing I will have to get used to is the language. While technically we both speak English, the Aussies have added many of their own words and phrases. For instance, the Australian word for pacifier is “dummy.” This makes sense because a pacifier is a dummy nipple, and when we see someone who acts like a dummy, we call him a boob.

In Australia, a man is called a bloke and a woman is called a Sheila, unless she doesn’t like that in which case you call her a bloke. They use “crikey” the way we use OMG, and when they are “pissed” they are drunk. And if that isn’t weird enough, they keep their “rubbers” on top of their pencils.

So come along with me won’t you? Join me here for my blog from the other side of the globe and g’day on ya.

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Today is my birthday. I am 65 years old. This officially marks me as a codger, a fogey, an old fart, and/or a senior citizen. In the eyes of the government, the public, and Denny’s, I am old. It’s funny because I don’t feel old. Oh sure, I have parts that hurt, and I have to get up during the night to pee, but I don’t feel old.

When I was a kid, being 65 years of age pretty marked the end of the road. This was the age when you retired from your job, started collecting your pension and/or social security, and went on a cruise with your wife. It was the age when you started barking at kids to get off your lawn. They say that 50 is the new 40, and 60 is the new 50, but when you get to 65, it’s the new fossil. Age 65 used to be the beginning of the end, but that was then and this is now.

I have been secretly dreading this day for a while but now that it’s here, I have to say that I am pleasantly surprised.

Now that I am 65, people want to give me things. The government, for example, gave me Medicare. Well they didn’t really give it to me but it’s the thought that counts.  Up till now, I have paid outrageous sums of money for health insurance that I rarely used because I was healthy. But now that the warranty on my body is running out, the government wants to pay for my ills. Doesn’t make sense to me but now that I can take advantage of it I say, “Good for them.”

I am also being flooded with free offers from everybody. Movies, museums, hotels, and airlines all want to give me a deal because of my age. Every franchise restaurant from Arby’s to White Castle wants to give me something for free. Even sit-down restaurants have lowered the cost of my dinner. Of course I have to eat at 4PM, but what the heck?

The local health club offered me a 50% discount and I took them up on it. I know I’m not going to go to the health club, but if I paid full price, I still wouldn’t go. So I figure I’m saving money, and they gave me a free t-shirt.

When I’m ready, I get cash money from the government in the form of a social security check. Social Security is a large chunk of money you gave to the government. Now, they give it back to you a little bit at a time until they run out. I think this is called the Bernie Madoff Method.

All in all, I think my 65th birthday is going to be all right. With the free money, cheap health care, and discounts on everything, I have fewer worries. Combine this with the fact that I fall down once in a while, get easily confused, and don’t always finish my dinner and I think it’s safe to say that 65 is the new 7.

I have to go now, it’s time for my snack and a nap.

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