Today is my birthday. I am 65 years old. This officially marks me as a codger, a fogey, an old fart, and/or a senior citizen. In the eyes of the government, the public, and Denny’s, I am old. It’s funny because I don’t feel old. Oh sure, I have parts that hurt, and I have to get up during the night to pee, but I don’t feel old.
When I was a kid, being 65 years of age pretty marked the end of the road. This was the age when you retired from your job, started collecting your pension and/or social security, and went on a cruise with your wife. It was the age when you started barking at kids to get off your lawn. They say that 50 is the new 40, and 60 is the new 50, but when you get to 65, it’s the new fossil. Age 65 used to be the beginning of the end, but that was then and this is now.
I have been secretly dreading this day for a while but now that it’s here, I have to say that I am pleasantly surprised.
Now that I am 65, people want to give me things. The government, for example, gave me Medicare. Well they didn’t really give it to me but it’s the thought that counts. Up till now, I have paid outrageous sums of money for health insurance that I rarely used because I was healthy. But now that the warranty on my body is running out, the government wants to pay for my ills. Doesn’t make sense to me but now that I can take advantage of it I say, “Good for them.”
I am also being flooded with free offers from everybody. Movies, museums, hotels, and airlines all want to give me a deal because of my age. Every franchise restaurant from Arby’s to White Castle wants to give me something for free. Even sit-down restaurants have lowered the cost of my dinner. Of course I have to eat at 4PM, but what the heck?
The local health club offered me a 50% discount and I took them up on it. I know I’m not going to go to the health club, but if I paid full price, I still wouldn’t go. So I figure I’m saving money, and they gave me a free t-shirt.
When I’m ready, I get cash money from the government in the form of a social security check. Social Security is a large chunk of money you gave to the government. Now, they give it back to you a little bit at a time until they run out. I think this is called the Bernie Madoff Method.
All in all, I think my 65th birthday is going to be all right. With the free money, cheap health care, and discounts on everything, I have fewer worries. Combine this with the fact that I fall down once in a while, get easily confused, and don’t always finish my dinner and I think it’s safe to say that 65 is the new 7.
I have to go now, it’s time for my snack and a nap.