I am about to embark on an adventure to the land furthest away from Downers Grove, IL without having to leave the atmosphere. I am going to Australia, a place I have never visited, and although exciting, this trip has me a bit concerned.
I am going down under to make people laugh, but before booking this job, I confess that I did not know much about Australia. I knew about the kangaroos, Waltzing Matilda, and the fact that when you flush the toilet, it swirls clockwise. Here in the northern hemisphere, they swirl in a counterclockwise pattern. If you don’t believe me, get up right now and flush the toilet.
Because of my lack of knowledge, I decided to read several books about Australia. The first fact I picked up is that there are 245 creatures in Australia that can kill you. These include spiders, snakes, sharks, jellyfish, other assorted sea creatures, and ticks. The ten deadliest snakes in the world all call Australia home. I am packing 10 cans of Raid in my suitcase, wearing snake-proof boots, and not going in the water, because that would ruin my snake-proof boots.
I also learned that Australia was discovered by Captain Cook, the same guy who brought us Hawaii. He didn’t find the aborigines of Australia to be as friendly as the natives in Hawaii so he went back to Honolulu where he was promptly killed and eaten by very friendly cannibals.
On my flight, I will be landing in Sydney after getting to spend 19 hours inside of an airplane. Thank God I got a center seat so I’ll have somebody to talk to. Actually, I plan to spend the time sleeping because fortunately, I can sleep anywhere, any time, in any position. Unfortunately I sleep in the nude.
The best part about this trip is that while it is the dead of winter up here, it’s summertime in Australia. The current temperature in Sydney is 27 Celsius. If you aren’t familiar with the metric system, 1 Celsius = 2.9 kilograms.
I’m looking forward to trying the food in Australia because it’s the only place you can get fresh kangaroo. Kangaroo, along with emu and crocodile comprise some of the top Aussie delicacies. Throw in Vegemite and you have a full culinary experience. I booked a hotel near a KFC just in case.
The main thing I will have to get used to is the language. While technically we both speak English, the Aussies have added many of their own words and phrases. For instance, the Australian word for pacifier is “dummy.” This makes sense because a pacifier is a dummy nipple, and when we see someone who acts like a dummy, we call him a boob.
In Australia, a man is called a bloke and a woman is called a Sheila, unless she doesn’t like that in which case you call her a bloke. They use “crikey” the way we use OMG, and when they are “pissed” they are drunk. And if that isn’t weird enough, they keep their “rubbers” on top of their pencils.
So come along with me won’t you? Join me here for my blog from the other side of the globe and g’day on ya.