We are coming out of a lousy winter. People kept saying “WTF” this winter which stood for  “Why the flurries?” because there seemed no end to the snow, but we have finally reached spring. According to my Farmers Almanac, March 20th marked the first day of spring, the vernal equinox, and the time of renewal. Except in Boston where it has been postponed until June.

Spring is a magical time of the year when the snow melts away and you discover your lawn to be a veritable minefield of dog doo deposited over the winter. In spring, flowers start to poke their heads out of the ground, buds appear on trees, and vines are sprouting. There’s new hope. A new beginning. The Cubs will win the World Series. (Pause for snickers and deriding laughter.)

I like spring because the days are getting longer, increasing every day until they are 25 hours long. That’s why we have to adjust the clocks, but it’s worth the effort. I’m a big fan of daylight because everything is easier to see. Of course, when it’s dark, there’s nothing to see anyhow.

It’s almost time for Easter and that means the traditional Easter egg hunt, a concept I have never understood. It seems that a rabbit named Easter Bunny works with chickens the way Santa works with elves. Unceasingly.

The Easter Bunny takes the hens’ eggs, hard boils them, dyes them bright colors, and goes house to house hiding them for children to find. Why? That’s the weird part, nobody knows. There’s nothing in it for him.

People leave cookies and milk for Santa but leave squat for the Easter Bunny. I always felt bad about this as a kid and one year I left lettuce for the Easter Bunny. When I woke up the lettuce was gone and he left us mice.

The Easter Bunny also delivers images of himself carved into chocolate. If you get a chocolate Bunny and it’s hollow, it’s counterfeit. Official chocolate Bunnies are made of solid chocolate and last for more than one sitting.

On Easter Sunday we always eat ham. I don’t know why but just assumed it was some sort of Easter rule passed down through the ages. Too bad they don’t make the ham out of chocolate.

Another harbinger of spring is Opening Day for Major League Baseball. The boys of summer reappear to dazzle us with their contracts and endorsements while we sit in the stands drinking warm beer from a paper cup and paying $10 for the privilege.

I think most people like baseball because it’s a sport everybody can play. Unlike polo or steeplechase, baseball requires no horses. The only equipment required is one bat and one ball. And, if it’s raining, you just go home and come back the next day.

This spring I think I’m going to plant something. I’d like to grow wheat but there’s not enough room in the yard so I guess I’ll plant a tree. I’m going to plant a money tree and an ash tree. If people don’t believe I really have a money tree, they can kiss my ash.

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I am writing this entry aboard my Qantas flight back to the United States because with 16 hours in the air what else am I going to do? I left Sydney at 2:30 PM Sunday and will arrive in Dallas at 1:45 PM on Sunday. It’s like back to the future. From there I’ll hop a flight back to Chicago and will be ready to sleep for 48 hours.

My final night in Sydney featured the Gay Mardi Gras parade and I tried my best to see it. Unfortunately, so did 200,000 other people. The streets were blocked off and police barricades were everywhere. I tried to get through them but unlike Chicago, the police refused my $20 tip and wouldn’t let me in to where all the action was, but I certainly heard it. There was music and shouting and dancing and it seemed like everybody was having a gay old time (no pun intended). Revelers were dressed in all sorts of attire and some were barely dressed at all. There was definitely a party going on and I wound up watching it all on TV.

Preparing for the trip back home required packing which is always a pain in the valise. At least I didn’t have to worry about anything getting wrinkled on the way back. I just threw all of my dirty clothes into a suitcase, tamped it down, squeezed it shut and headed for the airport.

Once I got on the plane, I settled in for 16 hours of boredom, interrupted by cocktails, food, movies, snacks, more cocktails, more food, and eventually sleep. Unfortunately I fell asleep at the same time we started hitting speed bumps in the air and I wound up dreaming that I was a kangaroo. When I woke up, I had a pouch full of biscuits.

Over all, I would sum up the country of Australia by saying that it is a long way away, filled with very friendly people, who use odd looking money, eat some odd tasting foods, and wash them down with a multitude of great tasting beers, The people have accents that I could listen to all day long and their own words and phrases that take some getting used to. It has animals you won’t find anywhere else including many varieties that can kill you and features sports like cricket and rugby which are entertaining to watch, even though I don’t know the rules. The natural beauty of Australia is astounding and everything is easy to get to. If you have never visited Australia, I highly suggest you add it to your bucket list.

Now that I have been there would I ever consider going back? Like a boomerang, mate, like a boomerang.

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I thought I would use this episode to point out some of the differences I have noticed between Australia and America so that if you plan to visit here, you will be properly prepared. Let’s start with their money.

Australia is on the dollar system just like we are but their dollar is worth 20% less than the U.S. Dollar. This means you can buy one Aussie dollar for only 80 U.S. Cents. At first this seems like a tremendous bargain but they make up for this 20% difference by charging 40% more for everything. The average price for a beer is around $8 but it’s so good that after three or four you don’t mind.

The paper money is much prettier than ours. It comes in an array of colors and different sizes. The $5 bill is the shortest, the $10 bill is about a quarter inch longer, the $20 is longer still, followed by the $50 bill and the $100 bill which is the longest.  This makes it easy to sort the bills in your wallet. Very clever. Coins, however can be a bit confusing.

They don’t have pennies down here because you can’t buy anything that cheaply. Their five cent piece is the size of our penny, their dime is the same size as our dime, but the $2 coin is also the same size as the dime only twice as thick. There’s also a dollar coin, a 20 cent coin, and a 50 cent coin which is the size of a dinner plate. When I pay for something I’ve gotten use to just holding out a handful of coins and letting the vendor take what he needs.

Driving is different here too. They drive on the left, just like the UK and the car steering wheel is on the right. This took some getting used to. I saw a car going down the street yesterday with two dogs hanging out of the passenger side window on the left and my immediate thought was, OMG, dogs can drive over here.

Since they drive on the left, it only makes sense that they also walk on the left. In the US we tend to walk on the right so it makes it easy to spot the tourists on the sidewalk. They’re the ones constantly bumping into people.

The other big difference I noticed here is in the coffee. Australian coffee is basically espresso and hot water. This makes a cup of Australian coffee quite strong and since I like to start my day with three or four cups of joe, I have been buzzing like a cheap TV. It’s very eye opening.

I have a few things left to see here in Sydney before I head home, including tonight’s Gay Mardi Gras parade. It too should be eye opening and I’ll tell you all about it in my final episode.

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Well, the sharks didn’t get me on the Great Barrier Reef and the snakes and spiders left me alone in the rain forest so I guess the only thing that could be my downfall here is the beer. There are hundreds of different beers brewed in Australia and my goal is to try them all. Contrary to what we are led to believe back home, Fosters is not Australian for beer and seems to be viewed with the same attitude here as we view Pabst Blue Ribbon. I haven’t found it in any of the bars nor have I seen any ads or outdoor signs for it. I’m starting to think it’s not even brewed here and is probably made by Budweiser in St. Louis.

The food in Australia has been spectacular and I have had the opportunity to try a lot of new things, but if I feel the need for U.S. junk food, there’s a McDonalds on every corner, and a Krispy Kreme outlet in the airport. What I can’t seem to figure out is their version of pie.

I love pie. To me, pie is the best dessert there is, so I was quite excited when I noticed an abundance of shops called Pie Face. I popped into one hoping for a nice slice of cherry pie or perhaps my favorite, strawberry rhubarb. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that pies down here all seem to be of the pot variety and when I say that I don’t mean Colorado pot pies, I mean pot pies made of meat.

You can get beef pies, lamb pies, pork pies (which I always thought was a hat), and even kidney pies. Yum. Needless to say, I passed up the pie store and instead opted for gellato which is almost as ubiquitous here as it is in Italy even though nothing can top Italian gellato. I tried all the flavors except for Vegemite.

I also met some nice aborigines down here. The aborigines are Australia’s native people and have been living here for 50,000 years. They weren’t bothering anybody when the British landed in 1778 and started giving them small pox and venereal diseases. Unlike our indigenous people, the aborigines didn’t think to open casinos and get their money back from the invaders so they stayed in the middle of the country throwing boomerangs and playing didgeridoo.

The didgeridoo is a musical instrument consisting of a hollowed out tube of wood about five feet long. You blow into one end and a very disturbing sound comes out of the other end. It has the tonal quality of  a broken kazoo and is Australia’s answer to the bagpipes. I tried to play one but I think I can get the same sound out of several toilet paper tubes taped together or a piece of PVC pipe I can get at Home Depot.

From here I am headed back to Sydney to see anything I might have missed during the week I was working and then back home in time for Daylight Savings Time which should screw up by body clock beyond repair.

Stay tuned for more exciting adventures. Same Aussie time, same Aussie channel.

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Today I traveled to Cairns and the Great Barrier Reef. The reef is the largest living thing in the world which makes it bigger than Godzilla, Chris Christie, and Kim Kardashian’s butt combined. In other words, it’s huge.

The reef covers over 132,000 square miles which is God knows how many square kilometers so I doubt if I will see the whole thing but I will definitely experience the part with the sharks, jellyfish, and assorted other sea life that could kill me. I hope you appreciate the fact that when I go into the water that I will be putting my life on the line for your reading enjoyment.

It was a 3 hour flight from Sydney to Cairns and it’s in a different time zone which further screws up my chronological clock. It is also closer to the equator making it hot and sunny, but when I read about the cold and snow back home I think hot and sunny is a delightful alternative.

I am prepared for the sun with my SPF 2000 sunscreen. The only thing that would offer me more protection from the sun’s rays would be to wear a burka but those are very difficult to swim in which is why you see so few burka wearers at the beach.

For dinner I tried a combo platter of kangaroo, emu, and crocodile. It all tasted like chicken but was very good. This morning I also tried the Australian staple of Vegemite. This did not taste like chicken but more like chicken droppings.

To describe the taste of Vegemite, imagine eating a handful of topsoil and then trying to get the taste out of your mouth by biting into a vitamin capsule and washing it down with castor oil. It is without a doubt one of the most vile taste sensations I have ever purposely experienced and is probably the reason the Australian dollar is only worth 80 U.S. cents.

After swimming the reef tomorrow, I will be visiting the rain forest where all of the world’s most deadly spiders and snakes live but I’m not worried because I will be carrying a guaranteed repellant…Vegemite.

Stay tuned to this channel for more exciting details as they happen, assuming I don’t get eaten by a Great White.

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