Monday is Labor Day in America and I don’t think it gets the holiday credit it deserves.

Think about it. How do we celebrate Labor Day? Is there a parade? No. Decorations? No. Fireworks? No. We celebrate Labor Day, a day dedicated to the working man and/or woman in America who works for a living, by rushing to Target to buy stuff made in China.

And mattresses? What’s the deal with mattresses? What makes Labor Day the day to run out and get a new mattress? I can’t think of a reason unless you peed on the old one the night before Labor Day.

The other thing we do on Labor Day is to have a cookout,  barbecue, or a backyard whoop-de-do to celebrate that summer is over. This is not a thing to be celebrated.

Labor Day is the end of summer. No more ice cream trucks coming down the street. No more festivals and fairs. No more white belts and white shoes. “Oh, the haberdashery.”

I hate when a holiday dictates fashion. The only arbiter of fashion in America should be Wal-Mart. No doubt you have seen the on-line pictures of Wal-Mart customers. They are dressed in a style designed by Pierre Cartoon. I can’t go into a Wal-Mart because my shirt goes with my pants and both of my shoes match. I am scorned as an outcast, a couture pariah.

I would like to see Labor Day get is a little respect. I think it should be treated just like our other holidays. I think gifts should be exchanged on Labor Day. They could be labor related gifts like work gloves or pruning shears.

The official drink of Labor Day would, of course, be the Screwdriver, served with a side of nuts.

We should institute Labor Day carols to sing during the holiday. Some songs that I would nominate include “Nine To Five” by Dolly Parton, “Sixteen Tons” by Tennessee Ernie Ford, and “Eight Days a Week” by the Beatles as an homage to overtime.

And we should make Labor Day resolutions. This is a list of things we plan to accomplish by Halloween, the not-even-a holiday that gets more attention than Labor Day.

There are so many more things that I could add to my plea, but for now, please write to your congressperson and ask for a little Labor Day respect. It has become the Rodney Dangerfield of holidays and deserves more honor.

So please give Labor Day the respect it deserves, because if we don’t respect it, the president will rename this holiday Denali Day.

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With 25% of Americans currently running for president, I have been thinking, “Why not me?”  Well, I could certainly run for office but it just doesn’t interest me. I would much rather voice my concerns, questions, and opinions without having to worry about packing up my stuff and moving to public housing in Washington. So I have decided to use this soapbox to opine, in the hopes that one or two of the candidates will pay attention and address my concerns, because they are probably your concerns too.

My major concern at the moment is one of equal rights. All Americans are supposed to have equal rights no matter where they came from. African Americans, Hispanic Americans, Asian Americans, etcetera, all have equal rights, but who is standing up for our friends, our best friends, Canine Americans?

I want to stand up for the dogs who can’t stand up for themselves. I want to set the precedent for dogs to sue their owners, to sue their wrong doers, and to sue the government – because that’s where the big money is.

They say that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks but that is just a stereotype against senior dogs as far as I am concerned. It’s time for every dog to have his day so I want to speak out for mutts everywhere through class action suits on behalf of our canine brethren.

Dogs do not get any credit or residuals for the things they are credited with creating. For instance, this time of the year is referred to as the Dog Days of Summer. Why? Dogs don’t get any special mention during this time of the year. There are no dog parades or dog picnics, and I doubt if dogs are actually aware of this time being referred to as the dog days because the man is keeping them down. Down boy down.

I will seek to have the phrase Dog Days trademarked on behalf of all dogs so that each time it is used, money has to be paid directly to the dogs so they have cash to play poker with. You know they do, you’ve all seen the pictures.

Dogs have also been disrespected when it comes to golf. Dogs are not allowed on the golf course yet golf course designers refer to certain holes as doglegs. If dogs aren’t allowed on the course you shouldn’t be allowed to reference parts of their anatomy to describe your holes.

Many of the descriptive terms we use in this country stem from the loyal dog yet the canine gets no credit. We hear the phrases, sick as a dog; dog tired; work like a dog; let sleeping dogs lie; and it’s a dog’s life, but do they see any money from this? I fear not.

I know that most of these lawsuits don’t stand a dog’s chance but I don’t care. I want to go ahead and see that our best friends are recognized for their contributions, their assistance, and their unconditional love. It’s their style and when it comes to dog style, you just can’t beat it.

So stand up for dogs my friends and call your congressperson to demand canine rights. Remember, to err is human, to forgive, canine.

This is only one of my ideas on how we can improve America. I may not be running for president but I will be voting for someone, and I can only hope that they can fix this country before it goes to the dogs.

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I enjoy a good sleep and I am very good at it. When I was younger, I could sleep just about anywhere, in any position. I have fallen asleep standing up, lying down, and even in a sitting position on the toilet which caused me to wind up with an orangutan-like ring around my buttocks.

Nowadays, I prefer sleeping on a good mattress and have enjoyed many, but this week after waking up with a sore back, and my wife waking up with a sore back, and we had previously done nothing to possibly cause sore backs, we figured it must be time for a new mattress.

As fortune would have it, we decided to buy a new mattress on National Mattress Day aka Memorial Day Weekend. I have never seen the correlation between national holidays and mattress sales but thought, “What the heck.” and we headed to the mattress store.

I had no idea how many mattress stores were located in the area with names like Come To Bed; Go To Bed; Hit The Hay; Hit The Sack; and Snoooooze. My wife and I decided on Mattresses R Us.

When we entered the store, we were energetically approached by a salesman whose intent was to put us on a new mattress today. He led us around the store to sample the different kinds of mattresses available and even provided “pillow napkins” so we could lie on the mattress without transmitting our head lice,or go home with theirs.

After being sucked deeply into a memory foam mattress and having to use a step stool to climb aboard a massive pillow top, we decided on a regular firm mattress by a reputable  maker. It was expensive but it’s what we wanted. Now came the fun of negotiation.

Since I don’t buy mattresses that often, I didn’t realize that purchasing a mattress is similar to buying a car, in that only suckers pay the sticker price. On my mattress, the sticker price was already marked down for the Memorial Day Sale but I looked at this as our starting point.

Numbers were bandied back and forth and an eventual price was set. This is when I told the salesman that since it was National Mattress Day, I would be remiss not to check out the prices at other mattress shops. Not wanting me to walk out the door, he came up with a new price. I looked at it and said, “This is great. I assume it’s before my senior discount.”

The salesman was stunned by my latest offer and began sweating. “I assume you offer a senior discount” I said, “Even the pie store next door gives seniors 10% off. The salesman looked at me with a stare similar to that of a dog looking at a ceiling fan and said, “I’ll have to call my supervisor.”

I’m convinced he talked to the same “invisible man behind the curtain” that auto salesmen talk to but he did it loudly over the phone so we could hear him. Then he came back, all smiles, and said.  “My boss gave me a coupon for 10% because it’s National Mattress Day.” Go figure.

We had a mattress, we had a deal, but I wasn’t quite done and after more hemming and hawing, I got two pillows thrown in to ice the deal.

Overall, it was a fun All America experience and if you need a mattress on National Mattress Day (The next one is July 4th) give me a call and I’ll get you a deal.

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As you are by now aware, we are into the month of April, but how much do we eally know about it? All we have ever been taught is that April showers bring May flowers but April is so much more than that. I have done a great deal of ersatz research on the month of April and am proud to present my findings in the following white paper.

April is the fourth month of the year and is named after no one in particular. In fact, according to the source of all sources, Wikipedia, April gets its name from Aprillis (true), a popular shampoo of the Georgian era (not so true). Since everybody washed their hair in April to get ready for spring, it was natural to name the month after their favorite suds.

April has 30 days now but originally had only 29. The original calendar makers thought that after the ugly events that occurred on the Ides of March, to delete the Ides of April. For many years, April did not have a 15th day. Then the IRS found out and squeezed in an extra day that they now use to squeeze us for all the money they can.

April’s official stone is the diamond. This is why baseball season always starts in April, they play on a diamond. The official flower of April is the daisy. There’s nothing funny about that, it’s just what it is.

April 1st is April Fool’s Day when you are free to play pranks on others and then prepare for their retaliation. The best pranks are the ones in which no one is hurt. The funniest pranks are those involving some guy getting hit in the nards.

April 15th is Tax Day when you have to file your IRS returns and pay any taxes due. This makes April 15th the worst day of the year. Don’t believe me? Then ask President Lincoln who was shot on that day, or the passengers of the Titanic which hit an iceberg on the 15th. It’s enough to put a person in a sour mood which will last until…

April 20th is better known as 4/20, International Marijuana Day. For many years, a code phrase used among stoners has been “4/20” This usually means “I smoke pot but I don’t have any.” Nobody knows how the numbers 4/20 originated as pot code but nobody has put much effort into finding out either. Just enjoy the day.

The day after 4/20 is Patriots Day, and the day after that is Earth Day so all patriots are urged to plant their own marijuana using organic methods.

April 30th is the last day of the month and is usually known as May Day Eve. May Day is the first day of May and is also known as International Workers’ Day. To celebrate this day, people dance around May poles; swat Mayflies; and eat May-onnaise.

In summary, April is a month of celebrations so enjoy it while it’s here.

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We are coming out of a lousy winter. People kept saying “WTF” this winter which stood for  “Why the flurries?” because there seemed no end to the snow, but we have finally reached spring. According to my Farmers Almanac, March 20th marked the first day of spring, the vernal equinox, and the time of renewal. Except in Boston where it has been postponed until June.

Spring is a magical time of the year when the snow melts away and you discover your lawn to be a veritable minefield of dog doo deposited over the winter. In spring, flowers start to poke their heads out of the ground, buds appear on trees, and vines are sprouting. There’s new hope. A new beginning. The Cubs will win the World Series. (Pause for snickers and deriding laughter.)

I like spring because the days are getting longer, increasing every day until they are 25 hours long. That’s why we have to adjust the clocks, but it’s worth the effort. I’m a big fan of daylight because everything is easier to see. Of course, when it’s dark, there’s nothing to see anyhow.

It’s almost time for Easter and that means the traditional Easter egg hunt, a concept I have never understood. It seems that a rabbit named Easter Bunny works with chickens the way Santa works with elves. Unceasingly.

The Easter Bunny takes the hens’ eggs, hard boils them, dyes them bright colors, and goes house to house hiding them for children to find. Why? That’s the weird part, nobody knows. There’s nothing in it for him.

People leave cookies and milk for Santa but leave squat for the Easter Bunny. I always felt bad about this as a kid and one year I left lettuce for the Easter Bunny. When I woke up the lettuce was gone and he left us mice.

The Easter Bunny also delivers images of himself carved into chocolate. If you get a chocolate Bunny and it’s hollow, it’s counterfeit. Official chocolate Bunnies are made of solid chocolate and last for more than one sitting.

On Easter Sunday we always eat ham. I don’t know why but just assumed it was some sort of Easter rule passed down through the ages. Too bad they don’t make the ham out of chocolate.

Another harbinger of spring is Opening Day for Major League Baseball. The boys of summer reappear to dazzle us with their contracts and endorsements while we sit in the stands drinking warm beer from a paper cup and paying $10 for the privilege.

I think most people like baseball because it’s a sport everybody can play. Unlike polo or steeplechase, baseball requires no horses. The only equipment required is one bat and one ball. And, if it’s raining, you just go home and come back the next day.

This spring I think I’m going to plant something. I’d like to grow wheat but there’s not enough room in the yard so I guess I’ll plant a tree. I’m going to plant a money tree and an ash tree. If people don’t believe I really have a money tree, they can kiss my ash.

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