As you probably know, I am running for president of the United States. Granted, I’m not doing well in the polls right now but the pundits say that the polls don’t matter until after Labor Day. Apparently, the people polled buy new mattresses on Labor Day (as set by law: The Mattress Act of 1959) sleep on them, and in the morning, decide who should be president. So I’m not going to worry about the polls until you have a chance to sleep on it.
I decided to run for president because the other two candidates are idiots. Hillary is nothing more than Pinocchio in a pantsuit, and Donald Trump is the major generator of stupid quotes. I am telling you that I have never lied unless I really, really had to, and the stupidest thing I ever said is that procrastination is best put off until tomorrow.
I want to be your next president for several good reasons. In addition to my stances on defense, the environment, taxes and term limits, I have other stances too. In fact, if there is an issue, I have a stance on it, but so do the other candidates. What sets me apart is that I want to be president because I need a place to live.
I have decided that taxes are too high in Illinois and I need to move elsewhere. What better place to live than the White House. And after I move in, the White House will become the peoples’ house because I plan to hold a lot of parties. I’m not going to toss shindigs for foreign heads of state but will throw real parties for real people.
I will have garden parties, football parties, card parties, and keggers. I will pay for these parties by having periodic White House garage sales. You can’t tell me that after 150 years there isn’t a lot of crap stored up in the attic. Let’s get rid of the junk and make some beer money at the same time.
I also want to be president so that I can appoint my friends to cabinet positions. This would make all of the meetings more fun because we could rib each other and pull pranks. Plus, the guy I have in mind for Secretary of State knows how to use e-mail.
Finally, I want to be president because I wouldn’t have to take my shoes off to get on a plane, and there’s free beer on board. The plane will also operate on my schedule and I’ll have zero chance of ever getting bumped.
I want your vote in 2016 but I don’t want you to think that this campaign is just about me. It’s about all of us. If you are a citizen, you can contact me directly. Write and tell me what’s on your mind, and if I can fix it, I will. If, however, I think you’re nuts, I will turn you over to the IRS. Do you feel lucky today?.