I have always written every word of this blog myself, but recently I was approached by a new writer with a fresh take on things. I invited him to contribute to this week’s article and he submitted the following. If you like it, I’ll try to convince him to do more. That said, here is Eddie Lubitsch.
Hello, I’m Eddie Lubitsch and I am very angry. I am angry at the government, the weather, the economy, the election, and I’m most angry at stupid people. I like to refer to myself as Eddie Lubitsch, The Last Angry Man, and I hope you do too.
So what makes me angry today? I’ll tell ya. Today I woke up early and decided to make myself breakfast rather than wake my wife Estelle, because if I woke her up to make breakfast she’d probably spit in my eggs.
All I wanted to eat was a piece of toast and a slice or two of bacon. This is when I had an epiphany. Why not drape two slices of bacon over a piece of bread and drop it in the toaster? I’d have everything ready at once, or so I thought. What I had was a fire in the toaster. I grabbed a towel and smothered the fire but not before the smoke detectors screamed, waking Estelle.
It only got worse from there and the worse things get, the angrier I become. Later in the afternoon, after I had been called an idiot, a pinhead, and a doofus, I told Estelle that it was not my fault. There was no warning anywhere on the toaster that said I shouldn’t cook bacon in it. How was I supposed to know? The fault lies squarely on the shoulders of the toaster titans.
I called my Native American female lawyer, Sue Sioux, and informed her of my plan. I wanted the toaster company to pay for my incompetence with some new regulations on toasters. How about a built in fire extinguisher to put out future fires? Or at the very least make the toaster operable only by the person who bought it, after they have been given a training course on safe toaster operation.
My attorney suddenly had to take another call and somehow we got cut off, but I will not let this matter drop. Maybe the problem is not with the toaster but with the bacon. Perhaps the pork producers should concentrate on developing a less flammable bacon. And when you buy bacon, you will have to register your rashers with the local fire department.
I am confident that none of these things will happen, and realize that I am at the fuzzy end of the lollipop again. Thank you for reading this rant, and until we communicate again, I remain Eddie Lubitsch, The Last Angry Man.