When I watched the Republican Convention last week, I tended to jump around the channels when it got boring. I did the same thing last night so I may have missed one or three of the more boring speakers, but here’s what I took away from Day 1.

The Democratic convention opened with the establishment of the platform. Last year the platform included the “plank” about the right for every individual to reach their God given potential. This year, they removed the words “God given” and it immediately started to rain in Charlotte.

They also removed the plank recognizing Jerusalem as the capital of Israel, although that’s the way it’s listed on Wikipedia. If you ask me, dissing God and Wikipedia is not a good way to start a convention.

Looking around the audience, I must say that their goofy hats are way goofier than the hats at the Republican Convention. And the people are bedecked with so many buttons that they could get jobs waiting tables at TGI Friday’s.

In a very weird segment, the late Ted Kennedy was brought out to debate Mitt Romney, and seemed to beat him, but let me just say that if those two were to have another debate today, Romney would win, because Kennedy is still deceased.

Kathleen Sebelius Health & Human Service Secretary who spoke in favor of Obamacare…because she’s the Health & Human Services Secretary so health is kind of what she does.

Rahm Emanuel was the next speaker. He’s the mayor of Chicago where we have teachers about to go on strike and nightly shootings in the streets. As a Chicago resident, I’m so glad he took time out of his busy schedule to give a speech that wasn’t even in prime time.

The one thing all of the speakers seemed to stress was that everything is good. I mean real good. I don’t know what I was thinking when I thought millions of people were out of jobs and  the economy was in the dumper. Apparently its all good, so I guess I’m the only one who was better off four years ago.

Deval Patrick is the governor of Massachusetts and succeeded Mitt Romney in the position. Tonight he dumped all over Romney like a pigeon on a statue and yelled when he did it. It seems to me that the man may have some anger issues.

Julien Castro, the mayor of San Antonio, was introduced by his twin brother, Juaquim but they looked alike so we really don’t know which one idid the speech.

He too trashed Mitt Romney because, well, he’s the target. But another one of the main points everybody hit on was the ability to marry whomever you want. This must have been due to the fact that North Carolina recently banned gay marriage. If you live in North Carolina, you can still marry your cousin, just not your gay cousin.

Michelle Obama was the night’s closing speaker and she said that when she first met Barack that his proudest possession was a coffee table he found in the dumpster. Unfortunately, this sounds like the economic plan we’ve been in for 4 years.

But basically she said that Barack is the best president ever, and he has fixed everything and it’s all going to be all right and that she is going to vote for him and we should to because it’s all good…except for the economy, and the unemployment, and the housing crisis.

Tonight the convention is on opposite the opening game of the NFL season between the NY Giants and the Dallas Cowboys. This means I will probably be the only one watching the convention so tune in tomorrow for a recap of the action.

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It’s day 3 and the last day of the Republican Presidential Convention but if you missed any part of this three-day Mitt-A-Palooza allow me to give you a summary of yesterday’s stirring conclusion.

Speaker of the House John Boehner kicked off the evening by telling

us that Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan are the candidates for president and vice president. I’m sorry John but I think we all knew this a few weeks ago, I thi

nk they were just trying to give you something to say on the big stage that wouldn’t make you cry.

A video about the legacy of Ronald Reagan was shown, after which Newt and Calista Gingrich then told us the same thing but in a more formal and stilted manner.

Mitt’s youngest son, Craig, came out and started showing off by speaking Spanish. I don’t know exactly what he said but I think it was, “We have a black Chevy outside blocking the driveway. If this is your car, please move it now.”

Jeb Bush the former governor of Florida came out and said that China and India produce 8 times the number of engineers that we do. Of course they do, look how close they are to all of the support centers.

Then Jeb started talking about milk and he sounded like Bubba from Forest Gump when he talked about shrimp.  “You’ve got whole milk, buttermilk, 2% milk, reduced fat milk, skim milk, chocolate milk, strawberry milk, and milk for people who drink milk.

Bishop Grant Bennet, Romney’s minister brought out some people from Mitt’s church and they were all ready to raise him to sainthood on the spot. Saint Mitt, patron saint of the good looking.

Then about 9 PM, it turned into a Mitt Love Fest with videos and more videos about Mitt. I wouldn’t doubt if there was a sitcom in the works, “Everybody Loves Mitt”

The much talked about surprise guest was none other than Dirty Harry himself, Clint Eastwood who did an improv-ventriloquist act with an empty chair representing President Obama. He asked the invisible president questions he couldn’t answer, and the invisible president told Clint to do something Clint said he couldn’t do by himself. I’m guessing he was talking about ping pong.

And Clint said that we own this country, although truth be told I think China’s got the first mortgage. And he ended with a group singalong of “make my day.”

Senator Marco Rubio FL, came out to introduce Mitt Romney and did an admirable warm up job with a couple of jokes, a few stories, some good old fashioned jingoism, and then he pinned Barack Obama to the mat.

Next he gave a shout out to God, which is always a good idea, and stirred up the crowd with motivational spanish words. He closed by introducing the main man, Mitt Romney.

Mitt Romney walked down the aisle looking fit, healthy, and like he has a stick firmly stuck  in his bum.  After a five minute ovation, Mitt said he accepted the nomination.

Mitt came out and said that he really likes women. He’d have women in his cabinet and would stack the White House with women. We’ll see how Ann feels about that.

Mitt the jokester; He said that when he started out in business, he almost asked his churches pension fund to invest but thought better of it. “He didn’t mind losing money he just didn’t want to go to hell.”

A few times he was interrupted by chants from the audience of “USA, USA” which, when you think about it is a dumb thing to chant. We’re all in the USA, they should have been shouting Re-Pub-Lic-An.

He closed on a high note with multiple God Bless You’s and the ever present balloon drop. Then came the confetti and the wives and the kids and the grandkids and the stage was packed full of Romneys.

The balloons kept falling, the candidates kept waving and, thank goodness, Anderson Cooper had completely dried out.

That’s this convention in a nut shell but don’t worry, we’re going to start the whole thing again Tuesday with a recap of the first day of the Democratic Convention from Charlotte.

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Dale Irvin here to bring you a summary of last night’s Republican National Convention,

I watched the convention from the beginning and I flipped between channels. Unlike last night where I went from CNN to FOX, to PBS, tonight I went from CNN to the White Sox game; to America’s Got Talent; back to the baseball game; and then to the convention. So I may have missed a speech here are there but in all likelihood it was really bad any how. Here’s what I caught.

The night began with a video salute to Ron Paul, the candidate whose votes for the nomination were not allowed to be read yesterday.I guess it was kind of a make good.

Mitch McConnel – The Senator from Kentucky was the first to address the audience and was possibly the worst speaker I have ever heard outside of Ozzie Ozbourn. At least he broke out of the stereotype that people have of Republicans as stogy old white guys.

Rand Paul – The other Senator from Kentucky and the son of the lovable Ron Paul
talked about the Tang family who built their own donut shop, obviously from the money they made selling the orange tasting powdered beverage named after them to NASA.

Next came a tribute video to George W. Bush and his dad, George Herbert Walker Bush, as well as Laura and Barbara, and they all endorsed Mitt Romney, which was probably why their video was so much longer than Ron Paul’s.

Senator John McCain – It was his 76th birthday and the crowd wanted to sing Happy Birthday to him, but security feared that the birthday spankings might have been too much.

White Sox are leading 4-0

Senator Rob Portman from Ohio was the next speaker I saw. He railed on about Barack Obama and did everything except call him out for a fist fight on the White House lawn; which would have pulled huge ratings not to mention big bucks on pay per view.

Isaac is downgraded to a tropical storm but is still dumping a lot of water on the area. Anderson Cooper is still wet.

Tim Palenty – The governor of Minnesota also tried his hand at stand up comedy and quickly proved that it is a lot harder than it looks. He had one good line when he said that “Barack Obama has failed us but that’s understandable. A lot of people fail at their first real job.”
Then he lapsed into a more bad jokes and some maudlin family stories.

Mike Huckabee Former Arkansas Governor
He said “We can do better” and I thought he hit the nail on the head. I was watching America’s Got Talent at the time and I thought yhat if any of those people want to win, they have to do better.

Condoleeza Rice – The former secretary of state impressed me the most. Not just because of what she said, but she was the only speaker who worked without a teleprompter and her speech was flawless. With that ability she could have won on America’s Got Talent.

Susana Martinez, the governor of New Mexico said that she is the first hispanic female governor in New Mexico’s history, and that she packs a .357 magnum. This is what we call a W.N.T.B.M.W., a Woman Not To Be Messed With

White Sox win! 8-1

Paul Ryan, the vice presidential nominee was the headliner for the night and he is the first Generation X-er to run on the presidential ticket.

He said his iPod “starts with AC/DC and ends with Zepplin.” I can just picture him and Mitt rockin’ in the halls of the White House singing “We’re on a Highway To Hell.”

He got the audience on their feet by telling them that under somebody’s seat is a red dot and if Romney wins, that person will be the new secretary of the interior.

His best quote of the night, in my opinion, is when he said “College graduates should not have to live with their parent’s in their childhood bedroom, starring up at fading Obama posters.” If your room is decorated with Obama posters, you have a lot more problems that being out of a job. Get a life first, the job will follow.

That’s it for Day 2. Thursday’s events at the convention are supposed to include a surprise speaker but no word yet as to who it will be. I’m hoping for AC/DC.

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As The Professional Summarizer, it is my duty to keep you up to date on the important news of the moment. For the next few days, I will monitor the Republican National Convention and report back to you from a slightly twisted point of view.Last night I watched the convention, flipping between CNN, PBS, and when they joined in, the three major networks. Here are my highlights of the night.

4:00 PM – The convention began with people wearing incredibly goofy hats officially nominating Mitt Romney for president by roll call vote.

Next, the candidates nominated Paul Ryan for vice president. Rather than go through another role call, they had a show of hands to save time. Then they all went to dinner because it was Goofy Hat Nite at Denny’s.

7:00 PM – While the delegates were at dinner, Tropical Storm Isaac was upgraded to a full fledged hurricane, the news of which caused many of them to give their hats an extra tug.

7:15 PM – Back at convention central, The 200-year-old Oak Ridge Boys sang a rousing rendition of Amazing Grace. It wasn’t completely in tune but it was very rousing.

Next, the governor of Ohio, John Kasich, took the stage and told the crowd how he turned the economy of Ohio around. He took them from 44th in production to 4th. He lowered the taxes in Ohio and brought back the prosperity. My question is why didn’t the Republicans pick this guy to run for president? If he’s got the answers, he should get the gig, but that would take common sense.

And speaking of common sense, what part of sending a reporter out in the face of a hurricane to tell us that it’s wet and windy, makes sense? I almost felt sorry for Anderson Cooper who was now completely soaked. Almost, but not really.

7:30 PM – Scott Walker, the governor of Wisconsin, who won his recall election earlier this year, was the next speaker The audience welcomed him with cheers of “Neener, Neener, Neener” in his support.

Rick Santorum was the next speaker and he said that if you get an education, work hard, and get married before you have children…you may be a Republican.

7:55 PM – While the convention continued, anderson Cooper was transforming into a human sponge. Water pounded him while he was standing in the middle of Hurricane Isaac, and at one point, he actually had to be wrung out by two large stage hands.

8:00 PM – Arthur Davis was the next speaker. He spoke four years ago at the Democratic convention when he was an Obama supporter, but after he realized what he had done, he became a Republican. He talked about his buyer’s remorse and how Obama’s hope and change turned in to smoke and mange, or words to that effect.

8:30 PM – Nickie Haley the governor of South Carolina was the next speaker and she said that South Carolina is about to become the number one tire producing state in the country. That ought to do a lot for tourism. “Come to the tire factory and visit our amusement park. Over 3000 swings.”

9:05 – PM – With the warm-up acts over, the real show kicked off when Ann Romney took the stage. The first thing she did was inform the audience that Hurricane Isaac had made landfall and is currently turning Anderson Cooper into a prune.

In her speech, Ann came out in favor of both love and mothers, two pretty controversial topics if you ask me. That’s like coming out in favor of breathing and eating.

She said she fell in love with Mitt Romney because he made her laugh. Well Mitt if you want our votes, why don’t you make us laugh too? Here’s a joke you can start with;  “Two guys walked into a bar…that they built themselves.”

Ann also promised us, in referring to Mitt, that “this man will not fail”. Sounds like a sure thing to me, like when Joe Namath guaranteed a victory in Super Bowl III.

Then Mitt popped out from back stage, they kissed, and everybody clapped including all five of their sons known as the Mittens.

9:25 PM – Chris Christie was the keynote speak for the night and he didn’t disappoint. He said he is the son of an Irish father and a Sicilian mother, so he has both the gift of gab and the ability to make you listen to him if you know what’s good for you..

He told the audience how he brought New Jersey back from the brink of collapse with lower taxes, a balanced budget, and, of course, Snooky.

He also said that the Democrats are scaring our seniors, and from my own experience, I can assure you that it’s never a good idea to scare a senior. Many times it leads to a laundry problem if you get my drift.

Finally, he asked everybody to stand up which, speaking as a professional speaker, is a very cheesy way to get a standing ovation.

That’s your summary of Day 1 on the RNC. More to come tomorrow so be sure to check back.

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Here’s my summary of Monday’s activities:

Not much happened on Monday as everything was postponed lest the delegates get rained on and/or blown away.

The convention did officially start when the head of the RNC used a big wooden hammer to open the convention in front of about two dozen delegates who dragged themselves out of bed to get free coffee.

Then, he promptly postponed everything until Tuesday. The delegates, satisfied with their free coffee and doughnuts, all cheered and then decided to go to lunch.

Meanwhile, Hurricane Isaac waits off shore and decides where to make landfall. Either way you look at it, the biggest gusts of wind and/or rhetoric will come Tuesday. Stay tuned.

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