As The Professional Summarizer, it is my duty to keep you up to date on the important news of the moment. For the next few days, I will monitor the Republican National Convention and report back to you from a slightly twisted point of view.Last night I watched the convention, flipping between CNN, PBS, and when they joined in, the three major networks. Here are my highlights of the night.
4:00 PM – The convention began with people wearing incredibly goofy hats officially nominating Mitt Romney for president by roll call vote.
Next, the candidates nominated Paul Ryan for vice president. Rather than go through another role call, they had a show of hands to save time. Then they all went to dinner because it was Goofy Hat Nite at Denny’s.
7:00 PM – While the delegates were at dinner, Tropical Storm Isaac was upgraded to a full fledged hurricane, the news of which caused many of them to give their hats an extra tug.
7:15 PM – Back at convention central, The 200-year-old Oak Ridge Boys sang a rousing rendition of Amazing Grace. It wasn’t completely in tune but it was very rousing.
Next, the governor of Ohio, John Kasich, took the stage and told the crowd how he turned the economy of Ohio around. He took them from 44th in production to 4th. He lowered the taxes in Ohio and brought back the prosperity. My question is why didn’t the Republicans pick this guy to run for president? If he’s got the answers, he should get the gig, but that would take common sense.
And speaking of common sense, what part of sending a reporter out in the face of a hurricane to tell us that it’s wet and windy, makes sense? I almost felt sorry for Anderson Cooper who was now completely soaked. Almost, but not really.
7:30 PM – Scott Walker, the governor of Wisconsin, who won his recall election earlier this year, was the next speaker The audience welcomed him with cheers of “Neener, Neener, Neener” in his support.
Rick Santorum was the next speaker and he said that if you get an education, work hard, and get married before you have children…you may be a Republican.
7:55 PM – While the convention continued, anderson Cooper was transforming into a human sponge. Water pounded him while he was standing in the middle of Hurricane Isaac, and at one point, he actually had to be wrung out by two large stage hands.
8:00 PM – Arthur Davis was the next speaker. He spoke four years ago at the Democratic convention when he was an Obama supporter, but after he realized what he had done, he became a Republican. He talked about his buyer’s remorse and how Obama’s hope and change turned in to smoke and mange, or words to that effect.
8:30 PM – Nickie Haley the governor of South Carolina was the next speaker and she said that South Carolina is about to become the number one tire producing state in the country. That ought to do a lot for tourism. “Come to the tire factory and visit our amusement park. Over 3000 swings.”
9:05 – PM – With the warm-up acts over, the real show kicked off when Ann Romney took the stage. The first thing she did was inform the audience that Hurricane Isaac had made landfall and is currently turning Anderson Cooper into a prune.
In her speech, Ann came out in favor of both love and mothers, two pretty controversial topics if you ask me. That’s like coming out in favor of breathing and eating.
She said she fell in love with Mitt Romney because he made her laugh. Well Mitt if you want our votes, why don’t you make us laugh too? Here’s a joke you can start with; “Two guys walked into a bar…that they built themselves.”
Ann also promised us, in referring to Mitt, that “this man will not fail”. Sounds like a sure thing to me, like when Joe Namath guaranteed a victory in Super Bowl III.
Then Mitt popped out from back stage, they kissed, and everybody clapped including all five of their sons known as the Mittens.
9:25 PM – Chris Christie was the keynote speak for the night and he didn’t disappoint. He said he is the son of an Irish father and a Sicilian mother, so he has both the gift of gab and the ability to make you listen to him if you know what’s good for you..
He told the audience how he brought New Jersey back from the brink of collapse with lower taxes, a balanced budget, and, of course, Snooky.
He also said that the Democrats are scaring our seniors, and from my own experience, I can assure you that it’s never a good idea to scare a senior. Many times it leads to a laundry problem if you get my drift.
Finally, he asked everybody to stand up which, speaking as a professional speaker, is a very cheesy way to get a standing ovation.
That’s your summary of Day 1 on the RNC. More to come tomorrow so be sure to check back.