8:00 PM Wednesday, October 3, 2012

The stage is set. The candidates are ready. And the people of America are checking out what’s on A&E.

It’s the first of three great debates and as I watched it I made the following observations.

Jim Lehrer of PBS was the moderator of the debate and he laid out the ground rules, not that either candidate adhered to them.

He also told the audience that they could not cheer or boo either candidate. Those people either waited in line for hours to get a ticket and now they tell them they can’t boo?. Well, what the heck is the use being at the darn thing if you can’t express your displeasure?

I’m glad I watched on TV where I could cheer, boo, and throw stuff at the screen.

Lehrer posed the first question on the economy and asked, “What are the major differences in how you would create new jobs.”

President Obama started by wishing his wife a happy anniversary. From there he thanked some other people and basically did not answer the question.

Mitt Romney started with a one liner about the president having to spend his anniversary with him that drew laughs – which are neither boos nor cheers. Then Mitt proceeded to answer the question. Point to Mitt.

President Obama then tried a joke at the expense of Donald Trump which went no where. At this point he started tugging on his tie and saying things like “Geeze, tough room.”

Romney came back with a nice rebuttal on lower tax rates and then the debate broke out into a slap fight.

Jim Lehrer tried to rein in the candidates but he was like a ringmaster at a riot. He needed a buzzer or a cattle prod to keep them in line.

When he got the candidates to shut up for 20 seconds, he asked the second question; “What are the difference about how you would tackle the deficit problem?”

Romney said that the deficit is a moral issue so he will impose an excise tax on strip clubs and hookers. He also said that he would stop the funding of PBS even though he likes Big Bird.

Obama countered by blaming everything on George Bush. He also blamed part of it on Big Bird. Then he started to stammer and coined a new phrase, “Economic patriotism” which means if you don’t want higher taxes you are not a patriot.

My biggest concern at this point is that neither candidate could see the big flashing red light telling them their time was up

Jim Lehrer threatened both candidates with detention unless they started observing the rules and asked the next question, “What are the major differences on how you see Social Security?”

Barack Obama talked about his grandmother who existed on social security and medicare. Mitt Romney jumped in and said that he is in favor of old people because he is one. Then he paraphrased JFK and said “Ich bin ein Geezer.

Jim Lehrer brought in doberman pinschers to keep the candidates on time and asked them about healthcare.

President Obama tried to explain Obamacare by saying that it was based on Romneycare in Massachusetts. Romney countered with “Was not” and Obama said “Was too.” and this went back and forth until Jim Lehrer tazed them both.

At this point, the debate had been going on for over an hour and

I was bored to tears. I was tempted to switch over to Pawn Stars but I stayed with the debate…and played solitaire on my computer.

We heard through the grapevine that Mitt Romney was practicing “zingers” to use on the president. I didn’t detect many but the one I particularly liked was when he said that as president Obama gets his own plane and his own house but he can’t make up his own facts. At this point the president stuck out his tongue at Romney who then said, “neener, neener, neener.”

Of course everything went overtime leaving the candidates with only seconds for their closing statements. Unfortunately I was in the bathroom at the time and missed

That’s it for the Great Debates, part I. Please pass this along to your friends.

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Here’s how I spent last week. No cell phone. No TV. No wi-fi or internet coverage of any kind. No communication with the outside world. If you want to “chat” with somebody, you have to do it face to face and in person. Is this the end of the world? No, it’s a little known place in Pennsylvania where it may be 2012 on the calendar but it is still in the 19th century in the woods.

Cook Forest is a state park in western Pennsylvania that my parents discovered in the 1940’s. They started vacationing here with my three siblings long before I was born. I remember vacationing there as much as three times a year. A weekend in the spring when the rhododendron were in bloom; a week in fall at the height of the fall colors; and many times a whole week in the summer time when I got to bring a friend. I even honeymooned here and later brought my daughter, who much later, brought her husband. This place has been a family favorite for over 70 years.

It’s not really camping but it is as close as I will ever come. We stay in a small log cabin constructed out of, well, logs. It is only one room unless you count the indoor bathroom which is a requisite necessity wherever I travel. If you add the small kitchenette, we have a log-suite but it remains quite rustic. It’s camping with a hard roof over your head and a bed that doesn’t have zippers or mosquito netting.

Hiking is the thing to do when you are in the woods and boy did we hike.

Each day we hiked three miles up hills and down hills and then up some more hills. We went up far more than down so I can’t figure out how we wound up on the same level at the end of the day. The Allegheny Mountains are beautiful but not really mountainous like the Rockies or the Alps. They are mountains in name only because “mountainous” is a much better tourism sell than “really really hilly.”

On our hike I saw something that I remembered from my youth. In the middle of the woods, the park built a memorial fountain honoring all of the initial board members who worked to get this declared a state park in 1928. It  was a nice gesture, but a sign on the fountain kind of ruined the moment. The sign read “This water has not been tested safe for drinking.” Well what the heck good is a drinking fountain if the water is toxic. I am not looking to join the dead founders recognized on the fountain by drinking their tainted water.

In the evening, as we were watching the fire I built in the fireplace and just enjoying each other’s company, a noise from outside caught our attention. It was the noise of a garbage can being tipped over and rummaged through by an animal. This was followed by a growl that seemed to come from the bowels of the earth. My wife and I looked at each other with WTF expressions and my first reaction was to shut the door to the cabin and pile furniture in front of it.

Next, being the brave frontier soul that I am, I retreated behind the cabin door, locked it, and started to look for things I could use as weapons to fend off the pending attack.

A toilet plunger, that would be good. It could be used as a club or truncheon, while the mere disgusting factor would surely drive the beast away. I also found a floor lamp, a frying pan, and a butter knife to use as backup. Fortunately – for the beast – he knew enough to retreat from whence he came rather that face the wrath of Plunger Man. Meanwhile, my fire was dying down and the wood pile was outside where “it” was. I decided instead to burn the plunger.

After the vicious garbage attack, it became very quiet in the forest, something a resident of the city is not used to. Quiet is usually replaced by sirens, cars horns, and the occasional gun shot in the city but here it was so quiet you could hear your heart beat. Have you ever tried to sleep when the only noise you can hear is your own heart beating? It’s not normal.

The intense quiet also prompts a person to sleep for a long time. With no alarm or traffic noise, to wake me up, I slept until 10 AM, something I haven’t done since college.

We hiked the trails every day, traversing several mountains, or at least sizable hills and on our treks spotted 28 deer. On one hike I spotted a porcupine. Yes, that’s right, a porcupine. I had never seen one of these little devils before and it seemed quite docile seeing as how it was armed with hundreds of razor sharp killer-death quills. In a rare philosophical state, obviously caused by the forest primeval, I determined that the porcupine is really a reflection of life itself because like life, it is quite amazing, but also like life, you have to watch out for the pricks.

After hiking it was back to the basics of fire making. dinner preparing, and of course, figuring out how to put up with the blasted quiet. Relaxation has its limits.

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I enjoy a good crossword puzzle. I usually work one or two a day but on Sunday, it’s Crossword-Palooza at my house. Between the two Sunday papers that we have delivered, my wife and I share four crossword puzzles. I get three and she does one. I don’t know why it turned out that way but I’m not complaining.

I never attempt The New York Times puzzle because it is designed for crossword masochists, who revel in the pain that is ignorance. Plus, on Sunday, the New York Times puzzle is so hard that I just save it from one week to the next when the answers are printed and fill it out from there. That way I get most of the clues right.

As I struggled through today’s puzzle in the Chicago Sun Times, I had a revelation. I had any epiphany. I had more coffee. And I contemplated the plight of the crossword puzzler and his/her connection to real life.

For instance, we don’t even have a name for what we are. I have heard the term “cruciverbalist” batted around but this word cannot be found in any dictionary. I therefore propose a new made-up word for us. Cross-worders is our new categorical listing, so stand up and be counted.

I have always contended that cross-worders know more things than regular people. For instance, what is the name of a dulled fencing sword? What do you call a small sewing case? How about a Mexican pot? If you are a cross-worder, you know that the answers are épée, etui, and olla. So if we know stuff that other people don’t know, it is no wonder that crossword puzzles parallel the philosophy of life. Let me explain.

Life has its ups and downs. Crosswords have acrosses and downs. Both are hard to figure out some times, but if you forge ahead, eventually you will almost win.

Life teaches us a lot of lessons and crosswords teach us a lot of new words. For instance, before today, I had no idea that an atelier was artists studio, but now I do…and so do you.

Crosswords can be stressful, frustrating, and anger inducing, just
Ike life. Neither life nor crosswords can be completed without making a few mistakes. You fix them and move on.

Occasionally you find a crossword puzzle that is so easy, you complete it in a few minutes, and some days the puzzle is so difficult that Noah Webster himself wouldn’t know these words. No matter what happens today, there will be another puzzle in the paper tomorrow and you can start over again. Just like life.

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The political convention season drew to a close last night with the end of the Democratic convention. I, for one, am sorry to see the conventions go because they were just so darn entertaining. Here’s what I gleaned from last nights stirring conclusion.

For starters, the program was moved from the 73,000 seat Carolina Panthers due to poor weather. At this writing it is “partly cloudy” in Charlotte so I can understand their concern.

Now, however,  they have no balloons to drop from the ceiling tonights so all of the delegates were given beach balls to blow up and bat around like a Jimmy Buffet concert.

The first speaker I paid any attention to was Eva Longoria, who spoke like a very desperate housewife. She informed us that we should all buy the rights to a website of our name…just in case we decide to run for president some day.

Brian Schweitzer, governor from Montana, said that Mitt Romney’s dog don’t hunt. I don’t know what that means but your dog wouldn’t hunt either if you put him in a carrier on top of the car.

John Kerry was the next speaker and he hasn’t been in the spotlight since his run for president in 2004, but he hasn’t lost any of his stiffness. He did, however get the audience riled up by yelling at them and telling them that he taped lottery tickets under their chairs.

Joe Biden was the warm up act for Obama tonight and he was introduced by his wife, who introduced the Joe Biden movie.

He started by really playing up to his wife like a guy who was looking for a little convention action. Then he sucked up to Barack Obama like he could get fired at any time.

According to Joe, Barack Obama personally saved the auto industry, shot Osama Bin Laden, and is one of The Avengers.

Then Joe got all minister-like when he started yelling at the crowd to take up their plowshares and rise above the fray or whatever he said but at least he left out any references to being back in chains.

The main event of the night was President Obama who was also introduced by his wife. When he came out the crowd went nuts, because they knew the night was almost over and they could get  to the bars.

He said that when we go to the ballot box we will have a very clear choice, his choice, or the road to hell and damnation.

He said that everybody has to play by the same rules. This is great to know because I guess now we can all get in on that congressional healthcare plan now.

Then he made everything sound rosy again and apparently we are not only better off than we were four years ago but our cars are going to go twice as far on a gallon of gas. This is because government projects will make all roads go down hill.

But if he gets four more years, he made it sound like every wish we have will come true. All of our problems will be solved and the country will be wonderful again. Now it’s going to take more money, so nobody should complain when China decides to cash in their chips in a few years and take ownership of California.

In conclusion he ramped up the rhetoric and got the crowd so excited that at the end there was not a dry seat in the house.

The conventions are over and we are two months away from the election. Let the games begin.

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Day two began with the party platform being altered to restore the word “God” and to restore Jerusalem as the capital of Israel. There was quite the debate and not everybody is happy about it but they did a vote, fudged the results, and put the words back in. I’m glad they finally got it straight so they can get down to the real business of the day, wearing goofy hats.

With a start like this I knew I would be flipping around the stations especially since it is the opening of the NFL season with a game between the Dallas Cowboys and NY Giants.

But at the convention Nancy Pelosi, the former Speaker of the House came out and spoke in favor of using Botox…to shrink the national debt.

BULLETIN – This just in: Jerusalem said that Charlotte is not the capital of North Carolina. Raleigh is. Good to know.

The next speaker was Al Michaels, oops, I guess I switched over to the game. Anyhow, Al said that the game between the Giants and the Cowboys should be a beauty, and that the broadcast of the football game would kick convention butt in the ratings.

Back at the convention the politicians that were interviewed on TV, did masterful dances aimed at evading the question about why God was taken out of the platform in the first place. It was like watching a toreador avoid a horn in the butt.

The convention was really boring at this point so I turned back to the football game but that wasn’t much better. It’s almost halftime and the score is 3-0 Giants. Back to the convention.

Sandra Fluke came out to talk about birth control which she thinks should be free, but wound up trashing Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan instead, who apparently pay full price for their birth control..

Senate candidate Elizabeth Warren came out and said she was the warmup act for Bill Clinton, apparently not realizing that phrase meant something completely different in the Clinton White House.

The main event of the night was Bill Clinton who was introduced by his own movie.He came out to a huge ovation which didn’t die down until the delegates found out he couldn’t run for president again.

He said he never learned to hate Republicans the way the Republicans hate our current president. Really? Has he forgotten all about Nixon? Hell, even the Republicans hated Nixon.

Next, he got everybody to stand up and give Joe Biden an ovation. He was saluted for not saying anything stupid at this convention.

Then Ol’ Bubba tried his hand at comedy and got some laughs so I’m thinking he’s auditioning for his own talk show. I picture it as a hybrid of Dr. Phil meets The View, meets Hillbilly Hand Fishin’.

As Clinton spoke on, and on, and on, the Dallas Cowboys went ahead 17 -10.

Bill rambled on to the point that even people in the audience are starting to fall asleep. Quick, somebody poke Joe Biden.

He finally finished and out came Obama to hug him and the people in the audience toasted each other with Kool Aid.

Cowboys won, 24-17.

Tonight’s the big night. Stay tuned.

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