This may sound like the rantings of a crotchety old man, but if you are like me, you wonder where did the term “crotchety” came from? Does it have something to do with the crotch? Perhaps if your shorts are too tight around the crotch, you get irritable and hence, crotchety.

The fact of the matter is that cell phones, as we have come to know them, are a sign of the beast. They are leading us down a path of self destruction and we are happy to follow.

Before cell phones existed, you had two options when placing a call. You either called from home where you had solid bakelite phone hooked up to a party line. This meant that you shared the phone line with several other people. If one of them was making a call and you picked up your phone to place your own call, you would hear the other conversation. You could even jump in if you desired but that was considered bad form. Most often you just hung up with an audible click so they knew you were waiting for the line.

The other option was to walk down to the corner of your street where a public pay phone was located. The phone was inside a phone booth which is where Superman used to change clothes. Just for the record, regular people cannot change their clothes inside a phone booth. Live and learn. You put a dime into the pay phone and got a dial tone allowing you to dial a 7 digit number. Area codes were not yet invented.

Life was good back then but now you can’t even find a public pay phone. They aren’t needed any more because everybody has a cell phone.

The first cell phone I ever saw was back in the late 1970’s. It was the size of a breadbox – oops – archaic reference alert. I meant to say is was the size of an X-Box. It featured a telephone handset connected to the rest of the phone by a coiled cord. It was cool because you could make a call from anywhere for only 50 cents a minute!

Next came the cell phones that were size and weight of a brick. You talked right into the brick until your arm got tired of holding it and you hung up.

After the brick phone came the flip phone, and that begat the next generation of phones…the SMART phone, and this is where the trouble begins.

Your phone has ceased to be merely a communications device and now runs your life. Your smart phone is a camera, GPS system, voice recorder, entry to the internet, personal assistant, and messaging center. It even makes phone calls. The problem is that since the telephony industry made these devices easy and indispensable, we depend on them too much.

We use them in the car and get into accidents. We use them when we are out for a stroll and walk into a fountain. I even know of people who used them in church and I don’t think God has an app.

Do yourself a favor today.Put your phone down and go for a walk. Then, leave it at home and go to dinner. And don’t touch it when you are driving. See if you can do this for a day. Then try it for a weekend, then a week, then a month and before you know it you will have performed a cell phone exorcism.

I have a lot more to say on this topic so visit here again. But right now I have to make a phone call. Does anybody have a dime?

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In the classic Marx Brothers movie, “Horse Feathers” Groucho sang a spirited salute to contrarianism that contained the lyrics echoed in the headline of this article,

“I don’t care what you have to say
It makes no difference anyway;
Whatever it is, I’m against it!”

Those words have become my battle cry as I face the daily drivel, nonsense, idiocy, and ludicrousness that dominates my daily life.

All of us are fed a daily diet of media pap and from this we are supposed to form our opinions on life. Well, if the stuff reported in the daily news is supposed to help form my life, I think I would be better off dead. That is just a metaphoric simile play on words, but you know what I mean.

CASE #1 – Why – in any universe – would anyone give a rat’s posterior about the Kardashians? What have they ever done? What have they contributed to society? Where the heck did they come from? I don’t know and I don’t care so please stop telling my what Kim and Khloe, and the rest of the Ks are doing today. Any news you give me only wants to line up all of the Kardashians and beat them with sticks…even faux Kardashian Bruce Jenner whose face already looks like it has already been hit with the ugly stick.

CASE #2 – Another person I don’t care about, Donald Trump. I don’t watch his show. I don’t live in his towers. And I don’t go to the same hair “stylist.”  Add to that, the fact that Mr. Trump seems like a real dick of a guy to be around. The only thing we really have in common is that neither one of us is fond of Rosie O’Donnel.

CASE #3 – Please stop telling me what happened on last night’s episode of Dancing With The Stars. If I really cared I would have watched the show.

CASE #4 – I wish the advertisers would stop producing dopy commercials. I don’t care how lush the surroundings are, they will never convince me that the perfect ending to a romantic evening is to be sitting in separate bathtubs in the middle of nowhere.

    FINALLY, I also don’t give a crap about who is pregnant, who’s getting divorced, and who’s getting married. Enough already with the shocking news that Brad Pitt and Angelena are getting married. I guess they wanted to wait until they had enough kids to comprise the wedding party.

Instead of all this nonsense, please just tell me what I need to know. Please keep me informed about what my government is doing…in Columbia. And where does one find a good hooker in a foreign country? Do they take credit cards or do you have to have your money exchanged for Columbian kilograms? Inquiring minds want to know.

Now I have to focus on the tribulations of Kanye West. Gee, I wish he could find a nice girl.

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  I was going to title this essay “An Ode To Spring” but it occurred to me that I don’t really know how to write an ode. So I went with a salute rather than an ode because I know that in this world, I’m not ode anything. (rim shot)

Whenever I think about spring, I think about my Slinky. Slinky is a perennial toy favorite that is, in reality, a spring. As a child, I would spend hours watching my Slinky fall down the stairs. Now, I spend hours taking care that I don’t do the same thing.

Spring has finally arrived on our shores and I am glad to see it. Spring is perhaps the most complex of all the seasons and takes some getting used to. Spring is the beginning of some things, the middle of others, and the end for still others.

When spring shows up I know it is the end of the line for the snow removing equipment and time to get ready for planting. The days are getting longer and warmer which makes people feel peppier and is the basis of the old cliche, “He’s got a spring in his step.”

In winter we have to worry about colds and flu. In spring the big worry is spring fever. Spring fever is a general combination of listlessness, lethargy, languor, ennui, and apathy. There is no known cure but has been successfully treated with a swift kick in the butt.

Both spring training and spring break take place in the spring although spring training happens more in the winter than in the spring but who would show up to see winter training?

Spring break is a time in a young person’s life when they discover the effect alcohol has on a person’s common sense. Oh, sure, it may SEEM like a good idea at the time, but when your wet t-shirt picture shows up on Facebook and you can’t remember who you “friended” that night, it’s a whole different story.

The game of golf has what are called “spring rules.” Since I don’t play golf, I am not quite sure what spring rules are but it probably has something to do with either beer or betting.

Spring cleaning is also very popular this time of year. Spring cleaning involves cleaning things you didn’t even think needed cleaning. You even have to clean your window screens which are comprised of hundreds of holes, so spring cleaning is all about cleaning nothing.

I like to do spring cleaning with a leaf blower. It sure gets rid of the dust but I highly suggest you nail down all of your stuff first.

We all carry the spirit of spring around with us but it is at this time of year that we need to let it out. We have to reach deep inside to reach our innerspring…and mattress, so that we will be joyous to the point of doing handsprings.

So set your spring free and be an example for your offspring to celebrate spring as the springboard to summer.

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    It is the end of February which mean we are 50/366ths of the way through the year. It’s a longer year this year because we have the uncommon addition of February 29th this year. February 29th only visits every four years but I really don’t see the point. February is still the shortest month and since it comes in the dead of winter, I say ‘shorter is better”, something that has become a mantra for me.

We have made it through 13.661 % of 2012, and since that’s my lucky number, I thought I would share my thoughts, views, and whimsy on the year so far.

We are currently mired knee-deep in the upcoming presidential race and I don’t like any of the candidates. For the most part they all have some good ideas and some stupid ideas – not that colonizing the moon is a stupid idea – but in the end, you wind up voting for the guy that you think will cause the least damage.

We need to find a presidential candidate that we can trust. We need someone who has recognition with the American public. We need someone with experience in affairs both foreign and domestic. We need someone who can pull us out of the financial situation we are in. We need a Kardashian! Heck, we need ‘em all.

I think reality stars like the Kardashians can grab the attention of the American public and use it to their advantage. Kim was able to wring millions of dollars out of a wedding that lasted 72 days. Just think how much money she can get from the global community in four full years.

Also, a vote for The Kardashians is a good value because you don’t just get one Kardashian like Kim or Khloe, or that other one, but you get all three PLUS the mother Kardashian. It’s the political bargain of a lifetime.

But I can hear the naysayers now saying things like “nay” and “Are you freaking kidding me?” Well, of course I’m kidding you but please consider the possibilities.

First of all, they look like a presidential family, and if they don’t now, they will after the surgery. Bruce Jenner already looks like Martha Washington so we can shape the others any way the public decides.

Press conferences will be held on a runway with stripper poles. Bottle service will be available.

And best of all, they will benefit from the experience of others. If the Kardashians move into the White House, you can bet BIll Clinton will be paying daily visits just to see if he can help out.

I know it sounds far fetched but give the Kardashians a thought when you cast your vote for president.

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For the vast majority of my life, I have had the good fortune of health. I mean, I’ve been sick from time to time but nothing major. I’ve had mumps, and strep throat, and flu, but – knock on wood – so far there’s been no malaria, bubonic plague, or dengue fever in my medical history. Of this, I am very thankful. What I never realized, however, is that even if you are healthy, old age can sneak up behind you and kick you in the keester.

I recently experienced a preview of what life is going to be like in the future. As I was leaving my local Apple Store, I quickly noticed that the rest of the mall was spinning around me in a dizzying fashion, to the point that I had to sit down or fall down. I opted to sit. I didn’t know if I was having a stroke or an acid flashback. Then it dawned on me, duh, I don’t know what a stroke feels like.

I called my wife and told her that I didn’t think I should be driving my car right now. Naturally, she thought I was calling from a bar, but I finally convinced her that I was still at the Apple Store. I had her talk to one of the iGeeks and he backed up my story.

We went right to the doctor’s office and he said that something was making me dizzy and that it should go away, but in the meantime, take some medicine. I did as told and the next thing I knew, I was inside a 3D version of The Exorcist. The bed was spinning around and I was re-examining my lunch, if you get my drift. I didn’t know if I should call an ambulance or an exorcist. I opted for neither and continued spinning. Ironically, I used to spend good money for cocktails to achieve a similar result

The next day the spinning had subsided, unless I did something stupid like move my head. Then it was back on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride, now in Dizzy-vision. At this point, the doctor ordered a CT scan of my head. I told him, “You’re not going to find much in there, doc.” No response. Tough room.

I am happy to report that nothing unusual was found inside my head, and the next stop was with an ENT (ear, nose, and throat) specialist who was about 16-years-old. After some more tests, Dr. Doogie told me that I have an inflammation of my vestibular nerve that is affecting my balance and it will eventually go away. I decided to try my CT scan joke one more time and asked him if the scan showed anything in my head. He, having head this joke many times, responded “absolutely nothing.”

“Cool”, I said, “That means I can run for elective office.” We both got a good laugh out of that one.

As of this writing, the world has stopped spinning. It was a heck of a ride.

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