My introduction to the wild world of vertigo

For the vast majority of my life, I have had the good fortune of health. I mean, I’ve been sick from time to time but nothing major. I’ve had mumps, and strep throat, and flu, but – knock on wood – so far there’s been no malaria, bubonic plague, or dengue fever in my medical history. Of this, I am very thankful. What I never realized, however, is that even if you are healthy, old age can sneak up behind you and kick you in the keester.

I recently experienced a preview of what life is going to be like in the future. As I was leaving my local Apple Store, I quickly noticed that the rest of the mall was spinning around me in a dizzying fashion, to the point that I had to sit down or fall down. I opted to sit. I didn’t know if I was having a stroke or an acid flashback. Then it dawned on me, duh, I don’t know what a stroke feels like.

I called my wife and told her that I didn’t think I should be driving my car right now. Naturally, she thought I was calling from a bar, but I finally convinced her that I was still at the Apple Store. I had her talk to one of the iGeeks and he backed up my story.

We went right to the doctor’s office and he said that something was making me dizzy and that it should go away, but in the meantime, take some medicine. I did as told and the next thing I knew, I was inside a 3D version of The Exorcist. The bed was spinning around and I was re-examining my lunch, if you get my drift. I didn’t know if I should call an ambulance or an exorcist. I opted for neither and continued spinning. Ironically, I used to spend good money for cocktails to achieve a similar result

The next day the spinning had subsided, unless I did something stupid like move my head. Then it was back on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride, now in Dizzy-vision. At this point, the doctor ordered a CT scan of my head. I told him, “You’re not going to find much in there, doc.” No response. Tough room.

I am happy to report that nothing unusual was found inside my head, and the next stop was with an ENT (ear, nose, and throat) specialist who was about 16-years-old. After some more tests, Dr. Doogie told me that I have an inflammation of my vestibular nerve that is affecting my balance and it will eventually go away. I decided to try my CT scan joke one more time and asked him if the scan showed anything in my head. He, having head this joke many times, responded “absolutely nothing.”

“Cool”, I said, “That means I can run for elective office.” We both got a good laugh out of that one.

As of this writing, the world has stopped spinning. It was a heck of a ride.

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