The Real Dope On The New Pope

As you know by now, a new head of the Roman Catholic Church has been chosen and he is Pope Francis. Pope Francis is said to be a man of the people and even used to take the bus to work. He wants to relate to the common man and has said that instead of Pope Francis I, people should simply refer to him as Frankie the Pope.Pope Francis

He comes from Argentina, the country that gave us Eva Peron, the Falkland Islands, and gauchos. His parents emigrated to Argentina from Italy so he is really an Italian by heritage, thus slipping through the loophole of hiring Italians to be pope. Pope Francis originally wanted to be a chemist but when he saw bread and wine transubstantiated to body and blood and thought that was the coolest chemistry of all.

The pope is 76 years old which many people see as another old guy, but I say that if he made it to 76 years on only one lung, he’s good for another couple of dozen. Yes, you read that correctly, the pope has only one lung, having lost the other to disease as a child. For this reason, only 1 candle will be placed on his next birthday cake. Blowing out 77 with one lung is far too taxing.

The pope now gets to wear red shoes, which, if you ask me, is reason enough to want to be pope. I would love to wear red shoes but I think they would clash with my blue suit. The pope doesn’t have to worry about clashing because all of his clothes come pre-matched. It’s kind of like religious Garanimals.

And let’s not forget the hats. The pope gets to wear a hat everywhere he goes be it a simple skull cap of the more festive mitre. He doesn’t even have to remove his hat for the national anthym. Again, I would love to be able to wear a hat everywhere because it would cover up my bald spot.

The best news to come out of this election is that now that it’s over, the Sistine Chapel is open once again for tours. Tell them Frankie sent you.


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