This is the time of the year when we hear a lot about Santa Claus, A.K.A. Saint Nicholas, Father Christmas, and Kris Kringle. They are all the same guy but go by different names, which is a felony in most places.

It’s a good gig to be Santa but what do we really know about this man? We trust him to enter our homes while we are sleeping and leave gifts, and he trusts us too. How many times have you been warned against accepting food from strangers, yet we leave cookies and milk for Santa and he scarfs them down like he hasn’t eaten in weeks.

Things like this make me wonder about Santa and since I have time to think about this kind of stuff, I researched the background of Santa Claus and discovered some interesting facts as well as many unanswered questions. Here is my white paper on

“Claus, the man, the myth, the music.”

Santa Claus was born to Ed and Lillian Claus in the early 19th century. He joined his brothers Subordinate and Insanity Claus; and his sister Bear Claus. They were a happy family who enjoyed funny names.

In his teens, Santa realized that he was not like the other kids because he had a full white beard. So he didn’t socialize with his peers but chose to hang out with the elves. Santa and the elves developed a friendship in shop class where he noticed their proficiency in cranking out toys as good as they made in China. He told Bilbo, the king of the elves, to gather his people together and bring them to Santa’s garage where they could make toys for no pay.

In no time at all, nimble elfin fingers created hundreds of dolls, wagons, and things that could put an eye out. When the warehouse was full, Santa asked the elves what they should do next.

At this point, an elf named Danny Devito suggested that since Christmas was coming up, Santa could give the toys away to good little girls and boys. Santa was hoping to turn a profit on the toys but agreed to give them away as long as the elves agreed not to unionize.

Flying reindeer were cutting edge in aero-technology at the time and Santa figured that harnessing eight of them together would enable him to circle the globe in one night, giving away toys as he went.  He bought eight used deer from Reindeer Facts and got a good sleigh on Craig’s List. Then he added a lead reindeer with a glowing radioactive nose to scare away sleigh-jackers.

Finally, the elves loaded the toys in the sleigh and sent Santa off into space with his reindeer while they partied at the North Pole with Mrs. Claus and lots of egg nog.

Santa has continued this Christmas tradition every year even though it would be much more efficient for him to use FedEx. Let’s face it, Santa’s an old man by now, and dashing around the world in an open sleigh has got to be physically demanding. Better he should stick to manufacturing and outsource the distribution, but that’s in the future.

What I have reported took place in the past and is, to the best of my knowledge, exactly how things happened.

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