If you’re like me, you have little voices in your head that constantly tell you what to do. 
Lately I haven’t been listening to them because they have been telling me to “Go Christmas shopping.” This is disturbing because Christmas shopping is something I know I have to do but I really hate it. It’s like a holiday colonoscopy.
Since I have a black belt in procrastination, I delay my shopping until the last possible minute. If you’re a postponer too, pay attention to the following tips and avoid last minute shopping panic syndrome.
1. Stay clear of the mall. It will be packed with everybody who waited until the last minute to do their shopping. Instead, head to the stores with the shortest lines. Go to the Laundromat and get some of those little boxes of detergent. Great as stocking stuffers.
2. Food is a great last minute gift but by now all of the nice gift baskets are gone so you’ll have to make your own. I suggest starting with a bucket of chicken. It’s warm, it’s aromatic, and it comes in a festive container. To complete the basket, add beer. I suggest a 12 pack to remind us of the 12 Days of Christmas.
3. Jerky is a good last minute gift because it is available in gas stations. You can fill up the tank on Christmas morning and stock up on dried beef shards for the whole family. Cans of motor oil and lottery tickets are also available here.
4. Everybody loves cold hard cash but cash, as we all know, is expensive. I suggest to go to your bank or the airport and have your U.S. currency turned into Japanese yen. At an exchange rate of 82 to 1, you can give somebody a 500 yen note for six bucks.
5. If you have 15 people on your list, buy 15 of the same thing. For instance, everybody, young and old, enjoys a nice soup ladle. Kids play with it, adults use it in the kitchen, and grandpa can use it to hold his daily supply of pills. Buy 15 soup ladles and your shopping is done, PLUS, you might get a volume discount.
6. If none of these ideas work for you and you are still in need of a gift, consider the gift of performance art. Recite a poem or act out a scene for you loved one and they will be awed. Here is a simple poem you can memorize and use if you don’t have time to shop.
- There once was a Santa in Nantucket
- Who was late but just couldn’t duck it.
- He finally brought gifts,
- Please come, take a whiff.
- It’s chicken that comes in a bucket.
Merry Christmas.
Follow