You have no doubt heard that Pope Benedict announced his retirement. He is stepping down for health reasons and is the first pope to do so in over 600 years. He must be really sick. I feel bad for him not just because he’s ill but because there’s probably no papal retirement plan in effect. Since this hasn’t happened since 1415 when Pope Gregory XII retired to spend more time with the family, nobody ever thought about a retirement plan for a job from which no one retires. Now they have to figure out what to do with an unemployed pope with no benefits.

For starters, where is he going to live? The new pope will no doubt get the corporate condo so where is the old pope supposed to go? There is no Old
Pope’s Home. Will he have to room with the new Pope? If so, wouldn’t that make a great sitcom idea. Two and a half Popes.

What about health and dental insurance? Does an ex-pope still qualify or will he have to go on COBRA for a while? And what about a pension. Is there a papal pension? They have to at least give him rent and living expenses. Perhaps a separate collection could be taken in churches worldwide for the pope’s retirement fund.

Also, I want to know what happens to the pope’s stuff. Does he get to keep the fancy hat and the red shoes? Will there be a papal estate sale to sell off his stuff before he moves out? You might get a deal on an incense burner.

At least he gave two weeks notice but that doesn’t give the cardinals much time to come up with a replacement. Pretty soon they’ll all get locked in the conclave and wheel and deal to come up with a new boss. Nobody on the outside knows what goes on in the conclave but I envision them smoking cigars and trading promises. All we have to go by on the outside is the plume of white smoke indicating that they are still smoking cigars.

I don’t know who is in the running for the next pope but I might suggest somebody like Mel Gibson. We know he’s Catholic and he does bring a certain star power to the job. Who knows, he might get a whole new generation of Catholics interested in the church.

Another idea might be Mitt Romney. Oh sure, he’s a Mormon, but this is the guy who fixed the Winter Olympics for crying out loud. It’s the same God, just different saints. I’m sure he’ll get the hang of it.

Of course tradition will demand that the next pope come from the current college of Cardinals so the Cardinals who want the gig are out pressing the flesh and making deals with their brethren to get the nomination and the nod.

Meantime, the gift shops in Vatican City are marking down all of the the Pope Benedict merchandise and getting ready for a new influx of products like Pope (your name here) coffee cups, t-shirts, and the always popular Pope Soap-On-A-Rope.

Follow

Share on Tumblr

I listened intently to President Obama’s 2nd Inaugural Address and in case you missed any of it, here is my summary of the president’s speech and the quotes that hit me the hardest.

The president said, “When times change, so must we.” As a reminder, the next time the times will change is coming up on March 10th when we return to Daylight Savings Time, so get ready to change.

The president said, “We are made for this moment and we will sees it as long as we sees it together.”  Stupid spell check, it’s seize.

The president said, “We do not think in this country that freedom is reserved for the lucky.”   No, be believe that luck is reserved for the lucky, along with the wrath of the rest of us for being so darn lucky.

The president said, “We will respond to climate change”.  I did my part today. When the temperature got down to single digits, I put on a sweater.

The president said, “The path to sustainable energy sources will be long and sometimes difficult.”   Sounds like marriage.

The president said, “We must serve everyone, the sick and the poor and the marginalized.” This made me wonder, who the heck are the marginalized? So I looked it up and apparently the marginalized are a small group of people who write in the margins of library books.  They need our help along with the people who eat nothing but oleo. The Margarin-alized.

The president said “We cannot mistake absoluteism for principle.”  Of course not. Absoluteism is a religion based around a popular brand of vodka, and principle is the guy who runs the school.

The president said, “Let us each embrace with solemn duty an awesome joy that is our lasting birthright.” Heh heh, he said doody.

Then Kelly Clarkson sang My Country Tis of Thee – The Concert Version.

Then we heard Richard Blanco, who read a poem, but as with all poetry that doesn’t rhyme, I didn’t get most of it. Plus, it didn’t once reference the lovely town of Nantucket.

Then Beyonce sang the National Anthem and the ball game started.

That’s the morning as I saw it but if you saw something I missed, please let me know.

Follow

Share on Tumblr

Without a doubt, one of the most controversial topics in the news is gun control. The thing that makes it so controversial is that there is no middle ground. People either like guns or they hate guns and neither side is going to change the other’s mind. We need to clear up this problem so that our politicians can move on to other topics like the burgeoning national debt, or why nobody got elected to the baseball hall of fame this year.

After careful thought I have devised the plan that should appeal to both sides, so pay careful attention and be sure to tell your congressperson.

I am a firm believer in the 2nd Amendment of our Constitution and think that every citizen has the right to keep and bear arms. Opponents to this belief say that the amendment was drawn up in an earlier time and the country has changed, and once again I wholeheartedly agree. What we need to do is to leave the 2nd Amendment undisturbed and simply return to the weapons that were available when it was written.

No more automatic assault weapons will be allowed because they weren’t invented yet, but everybody can carry their own black powder muzzle loader anywhere they like. Flintlocks were the only guns available in 1791 when the 2nd Amendment was ratified, so let’s return to that time. Arming citizens with flintlock muzzle loaders would accomplish the following:

1. It would eliminate drive-by shootings. You’d only get one shot and when you stuck the gun out of the car window, all of the powder would blow out.

2. There would be no more multi-round clips to worry about. With a muzzle loader you get one shot and then it takes about a minute to reload.

3. The best part is that everybody could have a gun for hunting, sporting, or self defense purposes and our gun violence problem would be greatly minimized.

Even though my plan is fool-proof, the fools in the federal government will find some way to muck it up. They’ll try to limit how much black powder you can buy, or limit the size of the musket balls, or even make flint a controlled item by buying up the stockpile in Flint, Michigan.

My plan makes sense but it won’t stop the bad guys altogether. It is a step in the right direction. Even the NRA has got to think I’m on to something good. Sure, it would pretty much disband the National Rifle Association as it stands now, but it would give birth to a bigger and better NMA, National Musket Assn.

I’m interested in your opinion on this topic. Dale@DaleIrvin.com

Follow

Share on Tumblr

As you are aware of by now (hopefully) we have embarked upon the year 2013 AD and I am quite worried. First off, I am a little concerned that for the next 12 months, we will be putting “13” at the end of dates as in 1/2/13. This can’t be considered very lucky. They don’t put 13th floors in hotels because of bad mojo and I don’t think we should celebrate a year with 13 because nothing good will happen. How do I know this? Let’s look at history.

One hundred years ago in 1913, the temperature in Death Valley, California reached 134 degrees Fahrenheit, still the highest recorded temperature in the world. When a glimpse of hell comes topside like this, you have to worry. Two other big events that took place in 1913 are the creation of the national income tax and the Federal Reserve Bank. Break out the candles and let’s celebrate. But wait, there’s more. Both Richard Nixon and Jimmy Hoffa were born in 1913.

A year ending in the number 13 does not bode well for the rest of us and I don’t know what to do. If I continue to write “13” on checks and correspondence, it will just reinforce the negative vibe of the number. The only idea I have come up with so far is to write the date as 1/2/12+1 but you know how people hate to do math.

If you have a better idea of how to cope with the flood of “13”s we will see this year, please let me know. Now I’m toying with the idea of showing my dates as 1/2/Fillmore, since Millard Fillmore was our 13th president, therefore the 13 would be implied. i could also write the date as 1/2/Millard would just look silly.

Obviously I need help. What’s your idea?

Follow

Share on Tumblr

Now that the new year is here, the time has come to honor those resolutions you made in a drunken stupor on New Years Eve. Some people make resolutions to stop smoking but then it’s always a question of when, exactly, do you quit.

Do you quit as soon as the clock strikes midnight? What about the next morning? You’ll quit after the holidays are over. The problem is that the holidays are never over. You can find a reason to celebrate every day if you want to smoke bad enough. Today, for instance, is Iron Lung Candidate Day, so light up and look it up on the internet.

For many people, joining a health club in the new year is a big resolution. For others, actually going to the club is their resolution, but in the end, nobody goes anywhere and more resolutions bite the dust. But now you can make your resolution and keep it too with Dale’s Cyber Health Club.

Dale’s Cyber Health Club has many advantages over normal health clubs. First and foremost is the fact that you don’t have to go anywhere. We are a cyber-club which means we’re only on the computer so you can “go to the health club” anyplace that has internet access, even while lying on the couch.

The beauty of D.C.H.C. is that you don’t have to go if you don’t want to; just like you don’t go to the real health club, but since we have no actual location, you can not show up to the club from the comfort of your living room.

As far as our exercise classes are concerned – there aren’t any. No classes, no spinning, no aerobics, and no reason to feel guilty for not attending any of them. If you want to run in place or lift weights, go ahead, we won’t stop you, but we won’t force you either.

Before the new year comes, join Dale’s Cyber Health Club. Our fees are very reasonable and include your cyber locker, plenty of cyber towels, and all of the cyber soap you care to suds with. It’s all ersatz and it’s all at your fingertips so sign up today. It’s a small price to pay to secure my future.

Follow

Share on Tumblr