I listened intently to President Obama’s 2nd Inaugural Address and in case you missed any of it, here is my summary of the president’s speech and the quotes that hit me the hardest.

The president said, “When times change, so must we.” As a reminder, the next time the times will change is coming up on March 10th when we return to Daylight Savings Time, so get ready to change.

The president said, “We are made for this moment and we will sees it as long as we sees it together.”  Stupid spell check, it’s seize.

The president said, “We do not think in this country that freedom is reserved for the lucky.”   No, be believe that luck is reserved for the lucky, along with the wrath of the rest of us for being so darn lucky.

The president said, “We will respond to climate change”.  I did my part today. When the temperature got down to single digits, I put on a sweater.

The president said, “The path to sustainable energy sources will be long and sometimes difficult.”   Sounds like marriage.

The president said, “We must serve everyone, the sick and the poor and the marginalized.” This made me wonder, who the heck are the marginalized? So I looked it up and apparently the marginalized are a small group of people who write in the margins of library books.  They need our help along with the people who eat nothing but oleo. The Margarin-alized.

The president said “We cannot mistake absoluteism for principle.”  Of course not. Absoluteism is a religion based around a popular brand of vodka, and principle is the guy who runs the school.

The president said, “Let us each embrace with solemn duty an awesome joy that is our lasting birthright.” Heh heh, he said doody.

Then Kelly Clarkson sang My Country Tis of Thee – The Concert Version.

Then we heard Richard Blanco, who read a poem, but as with all poetry that doesn’t rhyme, I didn’t get most of it. Plus, it didn’t once reference the lovely town of Nantucket.

Then Beyonce sang the National Anthem and the ball game started.

That’s the morning as I saw it but if you saw something I missed, please let me know.

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Without a doubt, one of the most controversial topics in the news is gun control. The thing that makes it so controversial is that there is no middle ground. People either like guns or they hate guns and neither side is going to change the other’s mind. We need to clear up this problem so that our politicians can move on to other topics like the burgeoning national debt, or why nobody got elected to the baseball hall of fame this year.

After careful thought I have devised the plan that should appeal to both sides, so pay careful attention and be sure to tell your congressperson.

I am a firm believer in the 2nd Amendment of our Constitution and think that every citizen has the right to keep and bear arms. Opponents to this belief say that the amendment was drawn up in an earlier time and the country has changed, and once again I wholeheartedly agree. What we need to do is to leave the 2nd Amendment undisturbed and simply return to the weapons that were available when it was written.

No more automatic assault weapons will be allowed because they weren’t invented yet, but everybody can carry their own black powder muzzle loader anywhere they like. Flintlocks were the only guns available in 1791 when the 2nd Amendment was ratified, so let’s return to that time. Arming citizens with flintlock muzzle loaders would accomplish the following:

1. It would eliminate drive-by shootings. You’d only get one shot and when you stuck the gun out of the car window, all of the powder would blow out.

2. There would be no more multi-round clips to worry about. With a muzzle loader you get one shot and then it takes about a minute to reload.

3. The best part is that everybody could have a gun for hunting, sporting, or self defense purposes and our gun violence problem would be greatly minimized.

Even though my plan is fool-proof, the fools in the federal government will find some way to muck it up. They’ll try to limit how much black powder you can buy, or limit the size of the musket balls, or even make flint a controlled item by buying up the stockpile in Flint, Michigan.

My plan makes sense but it won’t stop the bad guys altogether. It is a step in the right direction. Even the NRA has got to think I’m on to something good. Sure, it would pretty much disband the National Rifle Association as it stands now, but it would give birth to a bigger and better NMA, National Musket Assn.

I’m interested in your opinion on this topic. Dale@DaleIrvin.com

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As you are aware of by now (hopefully) we have embarked upon the year 2013 AD and I am quite worried. First off, I am a little concerned that for the next 12 months, we will be putting “13” at the end of dates as in 1/2/13. This can’t be considered very lucky. They don’t put 13th floors in hotels because of bad mojo and I don’t think we should celebrate a year with 13 because nothing good will happen. How do I know this? Let’s look at history.

One hundred years ago in 1913, the temperature in Death Valley, California reached 134 degrees Fahrenheit, still the highest recorded temperature in the world. When a glimpse of hell comes topside like this, you have to worry. Two other big events that took place in 1913 are the creation of the national income tax and the Federal Reserve Bank. Break out the candles and let’s celebrate. But wait, there’s more. Both Richard Nixon and Jimmy Hoffa were born in 1913.

A year ending in the number 13 does not bode well for the rest of us and I don’t know what to do. If I continue to write “13” on checks and correspondence, it will just reinforce the negative vibe of the number. The only idea I have come up with so far is to write the date as 1/2/12+1 but you know how people hate to do math.

If you have a better idea of how to cope with the flood of “13”s we will see this year, please let me know. Now I’m toying with the idea of showing my dates as 1/2/Fillmore, since Millard Fillmore was our 13th president, therefore the 13 would be implied. i could also write the date as 1/2/Millard would just look silly.

Obviously I need help. What’s your idea?

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Now that the new year is here, the time has come to honor those resolutions you made in a drunken stupor on New Years Eve. Some people make resolutions to stop smoking but then it’s always a question of when, exactly, do you quit.

Do you quit as soon as the clock strikes midnight? What about the next morning? You’ll quit after the holidays are over. The problem is that the holidays are never over. You can find a reason to celebrate every day if you want to smoke bad enough. Today, for instance, is Iron Lung Candidate Day, so light up and look it up on the internet.

For many people, joining a health club in the new year is a big resolution. For others, actually going to the club is their resolution, but in the end, nobody goes anywhere and more resolutions bite the dust. But now you can make your resolution and keep it too with Dale’s Cyber Health Club.

Dale’s Cyber Health Club has many advantages over normal health clubs. First and foremost is the fact that you don’t have to go anywhere. We are a cyber-club which means we’re only on the computer so you can “go to the health club” anyplace that has internet access, even while lying on the couch.

The beauty of D.C.H.C. is that you don’t have to go if you don’t want to; just like you don’t go to the real health club, but since we have no actual location, you can not show up to the club from the comfort of your living room.

As far as our exercise classes are concerned – there aren’t any. No classes, no spinning, no aerobics, and no reason to feel guilty for not attending any of them. If you want to run in place or lift weights, go ahead, we won’t stop you, but we won’t force you either.

Before the new year comes, join Dale’s Cyber Health Club. Our fees are very reasonable and include your cyber locker, plenty of cyber towels, and all of the cyber soap you care to suds with. It’s all ersatz and it’s all at your fingertips so sign up today. It’s a small price to pay to secure my future.

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This is the time of the year when we hear a lot about Santa Claus, A.K.A. Saint Nicholas, Father Christmas, and Kris Kringle. They are all the same guy but go by different names, which is a felony in most places.

It’s a good gig to be Santa but what do we really know about this man? We trust him to enter our homes while we are sleeping and leave gifts, and he trusts us too. How many times have you been warned against accepting food from strangers, yet we leave cookies and milk for Santa and he scarfs them down like he hasn’t eaten in weeks.

Things like this make me wonder about Santa and since I have time to think about this kind of stuff, I researched the background of Santa Claus and discovered some interesting facts as well as many unanswered questions. Here is my white paper on

“Claus, the man, the myth, the music.”

Santa Claus was born to Ed and Lillian Claus in the early 19th century. He joined his brothers Subordinate and Insanity Claus; and his sister Bear Claus. They were a happy family who enjoyed funny names.

In his teens, Santa realized that he was not like the other kids because he had a full white beard. So he didn’t socialize with his peers but chose to hang out with the elves. Santa and the elves developed a friendship in shop class where he noticed their proficiency in cranking out toys as good as they made in China. He told Bilbo, the king of the elves, to gather his people together and bring them to Santa’s garage where they could make toys for no pay.

In no time at all, nimble elfin fingers created hundreds of dolls, wagons, and things that could put an eye out. When the warehouse was full, Santa asked the elves what they should do next.

At this point, an elf named Danny Devito suggested that since Christmas was coming up, Santa could give the toys away to good little girls and boys. Santa was hoping to turn a profit on the toys but agreed to give them away as long as the elves agreed not to unionize.

Flying reindeer were cutting edge in aero-technology at the time and Santa figured that harnessing eight of them together would enable him to circle the globe in one night, giving away toys as he went.  He bought eight used deer from Reindeer Facts and got a good sleigh on Craig’s List. Then he added a lead reindeer with a glowing radioactive nose to scare away sleigh-jackers.

Finally, the elves loaded the toys in the sleigh and sent Santa off into space with his reindeer while they partied at the North Pole with Mrs. Claus and lots of egg nog.

Santa has continued this Christmas tradition every year even though it would be much more efficient for him to use FedEx. Let’s face it, Santa’s an old man by now, and dashing around the world in an open sleigh has got to be physically demanding. Better he should stick to manufacturing and outsource the distribution, but that’s in the future.

What I have reported took place in the past and is, to the best of my knowledge, exactly how things happened.

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