As Labor Day approaches, I am often asked the question, “What does Labor Day mean to you?” Actually, I have never been asked that question but if I was, it would mean that I was being interviewed by some poor sap from the local TV station who had nothing better prepared to ask. But now that I ponder that very question, I have some answers in case anyone ever asks me.

I would answer that question by saying, “Hey, it’s a day off.” In other words, Labor Day doesn’t mean much to me as a holiday.

Memorial Day celebrates our war dead, July 4th celebrates our independence, and Thanksgiving celebrates the first time we took advantage of the Native American’s hospitality. But Labor Day represents work so we celebrate it by not working. It’s truly a puzzling holiday designed by the government.

As a kid, Labor Day was the least favorite of the holidays because it meant that the next day we had to go to school. Labor Day was not a day off for kids, it was the last day of freedom before they pulled the switch.

As I got older and wanted to hang with my friends one more time before I saw them the next day in school, my dad explained the real meaning of Labor Day. He said that it was set aside so that sons could help their fathers do labor around the house. He was very convincing and we spent every Labor Day painting, sanding, washing, or fixing something. When I asked him why he was working me so hard my dad replied, “Because school starts tomorrow and I wanted you to see what it was like without an education.” A pearl of wisdom that stuck with me.

Fortunately I listened to dad’s advice and consequently never really had a job that consisted of honest labor. I went from selling insurance to writing advertising copy, to telling jokes, none of which required heavy lifting. In my next career, I think I’ll be a pundit.

The saddest thing about Labor Day is that it marked the end of summer. City swimming pools would be closed tomorrow and Sears is already selling winter clothes. It was all too brief and some of the days it rained, but summer was a darn nice season and it’s a shame to see it go.

As soon as summer is over, the next thing to go is Daylight Savings Time. By mid-September, it gets dark by 6 PM and everything goes downhill from there. The next thing you know, the leaves will turn color and it will be Halloween. I miss summer already and it’s not even over yet.

I don’t know if you have any family traditions or memories about Labor Day, but if you don’t, use this year as an opportunity to make some. Heck, there’s nothing else to do today.

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Both the US and Canada will celebrate Labor Day next Monday. Canada celebrates theirs as Labour Day. It’s the day they savour the flavour of adding extra letters to perfectly good words. In other words, Canada put the YOU in Labour Day.

Labour Day actually began in Canada in 1872 in Toronto. There it was celebrated as the first day of hockey season.

Labor Day in the US became a national holiday in 1894 when Grover Cleveland was president. This was about the only useful thing Grover Cleveland did as president.

The purpose of Labor Day is to salute all those who work for a living. People who do not work are still invited to celebrate Labor Day because it’s a national holiday. The same way that people who live outside of Columbus, Ohio can still celebrate Columbus Day.

Labor Day is celebrated on the first Monday of September and has traditionally signaled the end of summer. Had they named the first Monday in October as Labor Day, we would have had an additional month of summer. Thanks, President Cleveland.

Although it now varies greatly across the country, Labor Day is still viewed as back-to-school time. That’s why kids hate this holiday. It’s the end of their summer of freedom. Well, boo hoo, you little punks. Welcome to real life.

If a woman delivers a baby on Labor Day,she qualifies for the Labor on Labor Day award, known as Labor Squared. If you are fortunate enough to have a baby on Labor Day, tradition states that you name him Grover Cleveland. This could cause problems in later life if the baby is a girl.

The most patriotic things you can do to celebrate Labor Day are, 1) fly the flag, 2) attend a Labor Day parade, and 3) buy a new mattress. With a new mattress and the right timing, you could celebrate Labor Day next year with your own little Grover.

The word “labor” is mentioned 793 times in the Bible. One example from the Old Testament is about the man astride his donkey who was told to labor in the fields. I think God’s exact words were “Get off your ass and get to work.” words that we can live by today.

Above all else, Labor Day is the cutoff day for the wearing of white. After Labor Day, you should no longer be seen wearing a white belt or white shoes. This rule does not apply in senior citizen communities.

Have a great Labor Day and send me a picture of you enjoying it, especially if you’re wearing a white belt and white shoes.

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As a professional speaker, I travel a lot, most of the time on very crowded planes. I haven’t had a flight with an empty seat next to me since I wore the surgical mask and coughed a lot. That was a good flight.

The newest gesture by the airlines to make our travel experience more special is to charge for the bags we want to check. What used to be lost for free, now costs you $25 per bag, and still gets lost. That’s why I like Southwest Airlines. There’s no charge for your checked baggage and it’s open seating which makes it easier to pull off the surgical mask scam.

To avoid this additional checked baggage fee, passengers are resorting to carry-on luggage, which is supposed to fit in the overhead compartment, and this is where the problem arises. In lieu of traditional roll-aboard luggage, many people are opting for backpacks.

The backpacks used by today’s travelers are the same size as the ones used by Sherpa guides trekking up Mt. Everest. They are big enough to contain all of the traveler’s clothes, shoes, accessories, and electronic devices as well as a neck pillow and their lunch. It’s a sizable bag, sort of like folding Tom Cruise in half and strapping him on your back.

I accept the fact that the backpacks somehow fit in the overhead compartments and therefore qualify as carry on luggage, but what I object to is the behavior of the backpack wearers. They traverse the airport concourse lugging their packs behind them.

What happens, however, is that the backpack wearer completely forgets that their body is now 2 feet thicker than it was before they donned their pack. This means that every time they turn around, they need two feet of clearance behind them to avoid smacking anybody. Unfortunately, not everybody has the same concept of two feet and a lot of innocent bystanders get smacked. And this is just in the concourse.

Once they enter the narrow aisle of the airplane, the backpack wearers (heretofore referred to as a BPW) become even more dangerous. While a person with a roll-aboard can simply lift his or her case and place it in the overhead compartment, the BPW has to disengage from his travel module which involves swinging it around and smacking those of us seated in the aisle seat. And, when it’s time to get off the plane, the whole ugly scenario plays in reverse with additional smacking.

Another thing I don’t understand about back packs is why? BPWs will tell you that it keeps their hands free so that they can text while walking through the concourse, thus making them even more dangerous. Also, it has to be taxing on your back. Just imagine carrying Tom Cruise on your back. I think roll-aboards make much more sense because they have wheels. That’s where the “roll” part of the word comes from.

I haven’t worn a backpack since Boy Scouts and I wasn’t fond of it then. Some may consider the backpack fashionable in the same way they consider Birkenstocks to be fashionable but I think the only people who can fashionably carry backpacks on an airplane are military personnel. Also, wearing a backpack to the office is not a good look, unless you are leaving at 5 o’clock to go camping.

So I urge BPWs around the globe to please put down their packs. They are dangerous, heavy to carry, and they make you look like you’re a really old college student still living in his parents’ basement.

I will be sending a copy of this essay to the National Suitcase Association to use to further promote the use of suitcases. I even wrote a new motto for them, “Get A Grip.”

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After several years of what has been termed The Great Recession, although I don’t know what was so great about it, the meetings industry is coming back. More meetings are being booked and more attendees are enjoying them. Of course now, a keener eye is focused on the bottom line and as a meeting planner, your job is to present the best possible meeting at the best possible cost. That is a formidable task at best and I do not envy the Herculean job you face with each planning session. I would, however, like to help you and make your job easier.

Meeting are remembered by the attendees for a) what they learn, b) the new contacts they make and the chance to reconnect with old friends, and c) the fun they had. Chances are, if an attendee has fun during the meeting, they will likely remember more of the important things they are there to learn, and will grasp more of what your keynote speakers have to say.

The element that can help you achieve these targets is the addition of a professional emcee. Notice that I used the phrase “professional” emcee. A professional emcee does not work for your organization, he or she does this for a living and knows how a meeting should flow.

A successful meeting runs on time, and keeps the audience engaged throughout. Have you ever had a meeting where the speaker before the coffee break was less than stellar, and after the break the audience was a bit smaller? That’s because the people who left were not kept engaged in the meeting. They weren’t having fun..

A successful meeting is one where attendees reconnect, share stories, and have a good laugh or two. A professional emcee can help here too. On one incentive trip to Greece, the attendees were given a treasure hunt list of photos to take to qualify for a prize. If, however, they got a picture with the emcee (me) in it  they got an extra point. I helped a lot of people connect on that trip and everybody had more fun.

And speaking of fun, a successful meeting should have it in ample supply. You’ll have parties, and dinners, and off-site trips and those are all fun, but how can you make the meetings themselves more fun?

Once again, a professional emcee is the answer. Your emcee should be well versed in both comedy and improvisation, tools to handle any situation.

They also need to know what to do in the case of an emergency. I have had to deal with a total power outage, a fire drill, and a heart attack occurring in the audience, all while I was on stage. Fortunately not all of this happened at the same meeting.

When something not expected happens, the audience looks to the emcee for guidance. So the essential job of a professional emcee is to plan for the best and be prepared for the worst.

As The Professional Summarizer, I not only emcee a meeting but I listen carefully to every word uttered on the stage. Then, at the end of the day, I summarize the meeting in the form of a comedy monologue written on the spot. That’s how I, as a professional emcee, add more fun to the meeting.

I hope you see how a professional emcee can make your job easier, and if you have any questions or suggestions, please drop me a line or give me a call.

Dale

Dale@DaleIrvin.com

(630) 852-7695

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My name is Dale and I don’t like rodents. I never have and I never
will. It’s just the way I was raised. I do not like rats because they were responsible for the Bubonic Plague in 1347, and if they unionize, they could do it again.

I don’t like mice because they get into your house, and eat your potato chips, and poop all over the place.

I’m neutral on squirrels, porcupines and beavers. If they leave me alone, I’ll leave them alone. But the minute a beaver gnaws his way into my living room, all bets are off.

And I think guinea pigs and hamsters are just creepy pets. That statement may ire some of you, so just to be fair, I think snakes are creepy pets too.

If you had to put me in a category, I would declare myself as an anti-rodentite, and this week my vexation is focused on the the chipmunk. In case you didn’t know, the chipmunk is a major rodent. It is nothing more than a fat mouse in a fancy striped fur coat. It is a pest.

This chipmunk is an omnivore, which means it will eat just about anything, making it like a small furry teenager. Because a chipmunk is too short to open your refrigerator door, he will find his food outside, in your yard.

A chipmunk’s diet includes everything from bugs to birds eggs but its favorites are seeds, nuts, fruits, and vegetables. This covers everything that I have growing in my yard which explains why my garden has become the Chipmunk Costco. And since I put considerable time, effort, and money into my garden, I don’t cotton to no fuzzy rat. It’s war.

There are many ways to rid yourself of chipmunks. Most methods involve poison or traps, but the most ecologically friendly method is the cat. A cat will spend all day chasing chipmunks, catching them, torturing them for a while, and then putting them on your doorstep. It’s good exercise for your cat too. Something for them to do during the one hour a day they are not sleeping.

Since I didn’t want to use poisons or traps, and I don’t have a cat, I have chosen to get rid of my chipmunks through birth control.

Instead of a contraceptive, I am armed with a paintball gun. When I spot a chipmunk on my bird feeder, eating the seed I bought for the birds, I let him have it. The shot knocks him off the feeder, but when he hits the ground, he runs away with a big orange spot on his ass which he then has to explain to the other chipmunks. All of the girl chipmunks will look at him as a risky provider seeing as how he already got shot once, and look elsewhere to have their babies. When I get all of the males “spotted” the females will be so despondent that they will move to somebody else’s yard to look for action and a place to stay. The remaining males will eventually die of embarrassment and extreme hornyness.

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