Join Dale Irvin, Tim Slagle, and Teri O’brien as they look forward to the holidays by taking a look back at the news…the really weird news you might not be aware of.

There’s lots of laughs and it’s FREE. Where else will you find that kind of deal?

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As Christmas nears, the time you have left to shop, wrap, and send your presents diminishes. Every day brings new deals at different stores, with bigger lines. Eventually, the act of shopping is what turns the Christmas season from one of Glad tidings of great joy, to one of I hate shopping and I hate people. Everybody starts to get on your nerves and the joy of the season goes out the window, while stress and anxiety come knocking at the door.

Some folks opt to avoid the mall traffic by doing their holiday shopping on line. That way, they do not have to leave the house and everything gets delivered to their door. No driving to the mall, trying to find a parking place, or getting your pocket picked. This is an excellent option for the slovenly.

If you don’t go to the store, you will not see Santa. Santa lives at the store…all of them. But if you are dead-set against going out, you can now bring Santa to you. I am opening Santa2U and we will send a Santa directly to your door. Once you ask him in,  he will listen to your children’s wishes, say “Ho ho ho”, eat your cookies, take a picture, and give you a receipt. Tips are appreciated.

I like to avoid the malls during the holidays and do my shopping the old fashioned way, out of catalogs. We received 47 catalogs this season, trying to sell everything from waterproof socks to sausage baskets. Bed, Bath, and Bidet sent a catalogue featuring holiday vacuum cleaners, and believe me, nothing says “I love you” more than a Vacuum Cleaner Christmas.

Hamburger Schlemmer sent a catalog that featured a fire breathing, flying dragon that uses jet aircraft fuel (available everywhere) to fly at 70 mph while breathing fire out of its mouth. Sounds like a fun toy for the kids at only $60,000! I’m waiting for the next version where the dragon can take pictures out of its butt.

If that is out of your budget, Toscano offers a five foot tall squirrel statue? It looks just like a squirrel who lived close to the nuclear power plant. He’s big enough to scare off other nut gatherers and will cause neurosis in neighborhood cats and dogs.

Another catalog called UncommonGoods, has a do-it-yourself butter churn, in case Granny Clampett is on your list; and a swaddling blanket for your baby that makes him look like he’s wrapped in a tortilla. Perfect for the baby named Taco.

I didn’t buy anything from the catalogs this year even though I was tempted by the six engine drone with 3-D zoom camera, but that would have only lead to a court  appearance. Instead, I am giving the gift of money this season. I know many people think money is a thoughtless present, but my gift of cash will be different.

I am not going to give away U.S. currency, but instead converted it into Viet Nam dongs. One dollar equals 22,497 dongs, and that is a bargain that’s hard to pass up. For eleven dollars, I can give loved ones a quarter million Viet Nam dongs. Fifty bucks makes them a millionaire in Viet Nam, and that’s something you can’t put a price on. Keep on shopping and I’ll be back with more Christmas tips and observations.

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Dale Irvin and Tim Slagle explore the world around them as the delve in topics including a saddle for daddy; a coffee / pot combo; Fisher Price Happy Hour set; and what would porn stars do if they were president. 

If, after 10 minutes, you still haven’t laughed, it’s because this podcast was hacked by Russia.

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This week, Dale Irvin, Tim Slagle, and Teri O’brien take a look at renegade beavers; friendly pigs; a Titanic replica in China, and perhaps the perfect bar for lonely guys. Plus, for the first time, SPECIAL EFFECTS. Don’t miss it.

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With Thanksgiving behind us (Thanksgiving Behind is a medical condition caused by stuffing your yap with turkey dinner and sitting around watching football) it is time to look forward to the next big event, and with it my opinions.

For starters, when you wish someone something, be specific. If somebody tells me “Season’s Greetings” I assume that since the year consists of four seasons and we are currently in the winter season, that they are wishing me “Winter’s Greetings” which is a nasty thing to wish on somebody who experiences winter in the midwest, where winter can greet you with frostbite, freezing temperatures, and a foot of snow. So do not wish me “Season’s Greetings” at this time of year. In the summer, sure, I’m fine with it, but not in the winter.

The same can be said for “Happy Holiday.” To what holiday are you referring? You could wish someone a happy holiday in any month of the year, except August, which has no holidays.

Pick a specific holiday and put that after the word Happy, to avoid confusion. Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, Boxing Day, Winter Solstice, just be specific.You don’t wish people a Happy Holiday in celebration of the day they were born, you wish them a Happy Birthday.

I also hate it when companies alter Happy Holidays  to become Happy Holly Days, or Happy Honda Days. Bite me. And I also hate the holiday help that tells me goodbye after your transaction with a cheery “Have a good one.” A good WHAT. You’re the wisher, at least be specific. Have a good day, have a good nap, have a good ride home, be more precise. I love the words of the late George Carlin who, when told to “have a good one”, responded with, “Oh, I have a good one, I’m looking for a longer one.”

Finally, I would like to address the tradition of gift giving. We are deluged with newspaper ads, TV commercials, and an infinite number of catalogs telling us to buy things. So we max out our credit cards and spend the rest of the year paying them off.

The best presents are the ones that come with the sentiment, “You are very special.” The worst presents are gift cards that come with the sentiment, “I grabbed this at the gas station on my way over here.”

The worst part about shopping is the over-crowded stores. Hordes of people paw though the goods and stand in endless lines to make their purchases. For this reason, I shop only in stores that are not crowded and have no lines. I like to shop in paint stores for instance. They are never crowded and everybody enjoys a good gallon of paint.

I also enjoy shopping at garden stores and get everybody on my list a big bag of mulch. My loved ones get gifts they weren’t expecting and I get lower blood pressure by staying away from crowds. It’s a win-win.

I have many more thoughts on the season ranging from Christmas lights, to inflatable lawn decorations, to how you explain to a small child why Santa is in every store you visit. Stay tuned.

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