Not Enough Shopping Days ‘Til Christmas

As Christmas nears, the time you have left to shop, wrap, and send your presents christmas-present-for-uganda-accepting-evangelicals-vahd4h-clipartdiminishes. Every day brings new deals at different stores, with bigger lines. Eventually, the act of shopping is what turns the Christmas season from one of Glad tidings of great joy, to one of I hate shopping and I hate people. Everybody starts to get on your nerves and the joy of the season goes out the window, while stress and anxiety come knocking at the door.

Some folks opt to avoid the mall traffic by doing their holiday shopping on line. That way, they do not have to leave the house and everything gets delivered to their door. No driving to the mall, trying to find a parking place, or getting your pocket picked. This is an excellent option for the slovenly.

If you don’t go to the store, you will not see Santa. Santa lives at the store…all of them. But if you are dead-set against going out, you can now bring Santa to you. I am opening Santa2U and we will send a Santa directly to your door. Once you ask him in,  he will listen to your children’s wishes, say “Ho ho ho”, eat your cookies, take a picture, and give you a receipt. Tips are appreciated.

I like to avoid the malls during the holidays and do my shopping the old fashioned way, out of catalogs. We received 47 catalogs this season, trying to sell everything from waterproof socks to sausage baskets. Bed, Bath, and Bidet sent a catalogue featuring holiday vacuum cleaners, and believe me, nothing says “I love you” more than a Vacuum Cleaner Christmas.

Hamburger Schlemmer sent a catalog that featured a fire breathing, flying dragon that uses jet aircraft fuel (available everywhere) to fly at 70 mph while breathing fire out of its mouth. Sounds like a fun toy for the kids at only $60,000! I’m waiting for the next version where the dragon can take pictures out of its butt.

If that is out of your budget, Toscano offers a five foot tall squirrel statue? It looks just like a squirrel who lived close to the nuclear power plant. He’s big enough to scare off other nut gatherers and will cause neurosis in neighborhood cats and dogs.

Another catalog called UncommonGoods, has a do-it-yourself butter churn, in case Granny Clampett is on your list; and a swaddling blanket for your baby that makes him look like he’s wrapped in a tortilla. Perfect for the baby named Taco.

I didn’t buy anything from the catalogs this year even though I was tempted by the six engine drone with 3-D zoom camera, but that would have only lead to a court  appearance. Instead, I am giving the gift of money this season. I know many people think money is a thoughtless present, but my gift of cash will be different.

I am not going to give away U.S. currency, but instead converted it into Viet Nam dongs. One dollar equals 22,497 dongs, and that is a bargain that’s hard to pass up. For eleven dollars, I can give loved ones a quarter million Viet Nam dongs. Fifty bucks makes them a millionaire in Viet Nam, and that’s something you can’t put a price on. Keep on shopping and I’ll be back with more Christmas tips and observations.

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