They’re Heeeer! – The Plotters part IV

Things are good at the garden plot despite a continued lack of rain. Actually, it did rain two days ago when it was 100 degrees outside and the rain turned to steam when it hit the ground. The tomatoes are small, green and plentiful. So is mold, now that I think about it but tomatoes make a much better sandwich.

My lettuce plants continue to produce no matter how many salads I eat. I even ate a salad while sitting right in front of the lettuce plants but even that has not deterred them from producing more leaves. I need to find an alternative use for lettuce, other than the ubiquitous salad. I’m thinking about trying barbecued lettuce, lettuce soup, and the vegan-carnival favorite, lettuce on a stick. But excess lettuce is the least of my worries when compared to the agricultural explosion that occurred this week.

Wednesday was the first official day of Zucchini Season, so named because it was the first day I harvested a fresh garden squash. I picked two lovely zucchini, each the size of a jumbo hot dog.

Thursday morning I went to tend my plot and observed everything coming along nicely. Then I glanced at the zucchini plants. Replacing the two 8” fruit I took home yesterday are three 10” long squash.

Friday coughed up four zucchini the size of of fungo bats and by Saturday I swear they started to develop heartbeats.

I am cooking, freezing, and drying my zucchini as fast as I can but if the onslaught continues I may have to hire extra staff. The good news is that if the apocalypse comes in the near future, I’ll have enough zucchini to survive.

Hey, there’s an idea. Perhaps we should tag our monetary system to the zucchini squash. Our money is no longer backed by gold or anything more than a politician’s promise, so a move to the zucchini standard would be a huge improvement.

The basis of the standard is that we keep the nation’s zucchini reserve in a gigantic warehouse, perhaps the one in Area 51 where they have the space alien. Then, if the economy completely collapses, we know that our money is always good for government zucchini.

I must go now and continue work on the project that could not only make me rich but would set me up in history alongside America’s premier inventors like Bell, Edison, and Ford. My invention will change the world as we know it and will have children chanting my name as the inventor of…Zucchini Beer. Brilliant.

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