Why Don’t Rabbits Eat Weeds? The Plotters saga continues

The heat continues and the rain is non-existent yet the plants in the plots continue to inch upward…where they are consumed by rabbits. What’s up with this?

I don’t really have anything against rabbits per se. They are kind of cute and fuzzy and without them we would have no way of getting our colored eggs at Easter. Without rabbits, what would magicians pull out of their hats? And who would we look to for fun in the entertainment world? Without the likes of Bugs Bunny, Roger Rabbit, and Harvey; cartoons, kiddy literature, and the legitimate theater would be empty, so I will admit that we need rabbits…just not in my plot!

In addition to performing their best known activity – that of producing more rabbits – bunnies also like to eat, and they are very picky eaters. While they are strictly vegetarians, rabbits are quite selective in their greenery choices. They enjoy lettuce, and flowers, and just about anything that grows in the garden except weeds. Why? What’s wrong with weeds? When I was growing up on the west side of Cleveland, Ohio, my Polish neighbor lady used weeds to make wine. She brewed dandelion greens into a nasty tasting potion that still packed a kick. So why won’t rabbits eat weeds?

Scientists suggest that rabbits don’t eat weeds just to piss you off. Oh, they could eat weeds if they wanted, and in fact find them palatable, but rabbits prefer to eat the plants you bust your bustle to raise because deep down, they are nasty little animals that live in holes and do nothing but have sex and eat our food. Essentially, rabbits are communists and for that reason alone, must be gotten rid of.

The best way to rid ourselves of these pests is to get the general public on our side by telling them that rabbits spread germs, cause leprosy, and are ruining the economy. We will push to have all of the rabbits exported to Canada where the gardening season is only about a week long and the residents wear a lot of fur. It’s a win-win. And take the stinking chipmunks with you.

If you own a rabbit or are personal friends with any rabbits you may want to tell them about this movement because I will not rest until I am assured that my free range lettuce will have the chance to become a head of its own.

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