With Thanksgiving behind us (Thanksgiving Behind is a medical condition caused by seastuffing your yap with turkey dinner and sitting around watching football) it is time to look forward to the next big event, and with it my opinions.

For starters, when you wish someone something, be specific. If somebody tells me “Season’s Greetings” I assume that since the year consists of four seasons and we are currently in the winter season, that they are wishing me “Winter’s Greetings” which is a nasty thing to wish on somebody who experiences winter in the midwest, where winter can greet you with frostbite, freezing temperatures, and a foot of snow. So do not wish me “Season’s Greetings” at this time of year. In the summer, sure, I’m fine with it, but not in the winter.

The same can be said for “Happy Holiday.” To what holiday are you referring? You could wish someone a happy holiday in any month of the year, except August, which has no holidays.

Pick a specific holiday and put that after the word Happy, to avoid confusion. Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, Boxing Day, Winter Solstice, just be specific.You don’t wish people a Happy Holiday in celebration of the day they were born, you wish them a Happy Birthday.

I also hate it when companies alter Happy Holidays  to become Happy Holly Days, or Happy Honda Days. Bite me. And I also hate the holiday help that tells me goodbye after your transaction with a cheery “Have a good one.” A good WHAT. You’re the wisher, at least be specific. Have a good day, have a good nap, have a good ride home, be more precise. I love the words of the late George Carlin who, when told to “have a good one”, responded with, “Oh, I have a good one, I’m looking for a longer one.”

Finally, I would like to address the tradition of gift giving. We are deluged with newspaper ads, TV commercials, and an infinite number of catalogs telling us to buy things. So we max out our credit cards and spend the rest of the year paying them off.

The best presents are the ones that come with the sentiment, “You are very special.” The worst presents are gift cards that come with the sentiment, “I grabbed this at the gas station on my way over here.”

The worst part about shopping is the over-crowded stores. Hordes of people paw though the goods and stand in endless lines to make their purchases. For this reason, I shop only in stores that are not crowded and have no lines. I like to shop in paint stores for instance. They are never crowded and everybody enjoys a good gallon of paint.

I also enjoy shopping at garden stores and get everybody on my list a big bag of mulch. My loved ones get gifts they weren’t expecting and I get lower blood pressure by staying away from crowds. It’s a win-win.

I have many more thoughts on the season ranging from Christmas lights, to inflatable lawn decorations, to how you explain to a small child why Santa is in every store you visit. Stay tuned.



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