Eddie Lubitsch is an alter ego friend of mine who bills himself as The Last Angry Man. From time to time he get’s upset at things and tends to spout off. The following is his take and does not necessarily reflect the views of management or this station.
Hello, I’m Eddie Lubitsch. I am a former lawyer and The Last Angry man. Today, with your permission, I would like to talk about the ruination of American morals. We are going to Hades in a Taiwan basket my friends and it isn’t pretty. America has become obsessed with sex and it is going to be the downfall of society just as it was for the Romans when Caligula started having relations with his relations. And this obsession with sex has made me curious, and when I say curious I do not mean bi-curious, as in that sexually confused monkey, Bi-curious George, but I mean curious as in I just don’t understand.
You can call me old fashioned if you like but I am a firm believer in one man one vote, and in one man one woman, but the current vacillations are beyond my depth of perception and if you don’t have depth perception you will never be able to play center field. So, let’s take a look at the field of players currently populating our sexually charged country.
For starters, you have your relations between one boy and one girl. This makes sense to me because all of the parts fit together nicely. Peg A goes into Slot B and nobody gets hurt. Of course, I have heard of people who try to put Peg A into opening C and that has got to hurt no matter what they tell you in prison.
But outside of that man-woman relationship, you have the ones involving mano a mano or woman-o a woman-o and I have to tell you that I just don’t get it. I admit that I do not understand the attraction of a man towards another man. Never have. Never will. But if that is what floats your boat then good for you. And while we are on the topic of the little man in the boat, I don’t quite get the female to female connection either, although it is much easier to look at pictures of them. But far be it from me to judge, so if you want to spend your life with somebody who uses the same public bathroom as you do, then that’s fine. You have made your decision so have at it.
The people that tend to bug me are the ones who can’t commit to a decision, otherwise known as your bi-sexuals. Sometimes they like men and sometimes they like women. Hey Sparky, haven’t you ever heard that you can’t have your cake and Edith too? What makes you think that you are so special that you can swing from both sides of the plate, play on both sides of the street, and diddle both sides of the biological master plan. Make a decision for crying out loud.
In closing, let me just say that we all need to get along and carry on in the way that suits us but as for me, I am going to stick to the format I know best…and I don’t need any embellishments. Why just the other day, as I was checking into a hotel, I told the person behind the desk, “I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled” to which they replied, “No you sick-o, it’s REGULAR porn.”
And it is constant confusion like this that makes me the Last Angry Man.
That’s all from me for now. Stay angry my friends. Lubitsch over and Lubitsch out.