Vegetable Vandalism


The Fourth of July was a busy one at the plots. Since it was a “watering day” all of the plotters showed up at some time during the holiday to moisten their crops. I even found my plot to be the ideal place from which to view that night’s civic fireworks display.  After a full day of plotting followed by fireworks, I went home with dreams of soon to be ripe vegetables dancing in my head.


I got up the next morning and went to visit the plot, just in case anything ripened over night. When I arrived, I was met by two of my fellow plotters and informed that we had been vandalized! After the fireworks display, apparently some hostile young punk kids, or as my wife refers to them U.T.N.G. (Up To No Good.) ran and rambled through the plots, tipping over water barrels, ripping up plants, and tearing down lattices and wind chimes. It was a shorter, non-flamable version of Sherman’s March to the Sea.


On my plot, the U.T.N.G.s tore up my lettuce and pulled out one of my eggplants. Others suffered greater damage, some, no damage at all. The rampage was random and goes unpunished, but that is about to stop.


When somebody steals and damages somebody else’s stuff, they need to learn that they should never do that again. The best way to teach this lesson is through booby traps.


I intend to make my plot a virtual Temple of Doom for any trespassers. I’ll install the usual trip wires, dead falls, and punji sticks but as a lasting way to teach the vandals a lesson, I have planted poison ivy in my garden plot. Now, when they run through my plot and rip up my plants, they’re going to itch for a week because of it.


I also plan to tether a coyote in the middle of my plot to serve as a guard dog. I know we have numerous coyotes in the area so the only thing I have to do is find one, trap it, feed it and train it. If I can’t find a suitable coyote, I will opt for a boa constrictor.


Plotters work hard to raise their crops and look at their plants like their children…children they will eventually eat. We get very protective and now you know how we feel. So if you are reading this and are a U.T.N.G. (a highly unlikely combination) please respect our plots and stay away. Either that, or you can “Say hello to my little coyote.”


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