It is time for someone to speak up on behalf of meat. Lately, meat has been given a 
bad rap and is considered the cause of everything from global warming to impending doom. Apparently animals such as cows, tend to fart, as do we all, but their tooters are toxic to the ozone. The only solution for this problem that has been given so far is to get rid of the cows. This is not only stupid and ridiculous, but inhumane as well. Let me explain.
Cows have been around for a very long time and have provided us with the essentials of life. From cows we obtain milk, which can be turned into butter, cheese, yogurt, ice cream, and milkshakes. From cows we also obtain leather, which can be turned into shoes, belts, purses, briefcases, and certain kinky restraints. And if that wasn’t enough, cows give us meat which can be turned into hamburgers, cheeseburgers, and t-bones. Cows give us a lot, but now we are supposed to turn our backs on them. I call this a moo-ving violation.
To replace the cows, we’re supposed to turn to substitutes for the items they give us. Things like, almond milk, soy cheese, and sherbet. The anti-cow lobby is trying to get us to eat things like tofu, and fake hamburgers, and wear shoes made of plastic. What has this nation become?
Even Burger King, the bastion of meat consumption, is selling the “Impossible Burger” made out of vegetables and lego bricks. None of these faux beef byproducts is going to solve the problem, which as we pointed out earlier is cow gas. We need to find a way to contain and use bovine butt blasts, and I have several ideas.
First, has anybody considered giving them Gas-X? It works for Uncle Barney at the bratwurst festival and, if made in bovine strength, it could stop cow farts dead in their stalls. If that doesn’t work I propose a methane collection system. I don’t have the details worked out yet but I envision some sort of balloon device attached to the cow’s exhaust. At the end of each day the balloons would be collected and the gas stored in big tanks to be used as fuel.
The third possibility is the insertion of a miniature pilot light into the cow’s tunnel of darkness and whenever gas comes out, the pilot light would ignite it and turn it into a harmless fireball. The gas burn-off system has been used by manufacturing plants for years to get rid of the toxic gasses they emit, and if it’s good enough for big business, it should be good enough to save my hamburger.
I urge meat haters everywhere to continue eating their tofu-soy-quinoa wraps, but leave the cows alone. They jumped over the moon before we did and don’t deserve to be banished from the earth for having intestinal issues. We need the cows, and the cows need us. And the same goes for bacon.
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