Valentines Day is the American holiday adored by women and approached with fear and
loathing by men. Women love the cards, and the flowers, and the dinner, and the gifts, but men are under constant pressure to provide the “right” card, flowers, dinner, and gifts.
It is a period of extreme stress for men and I feel our pain. So I explored the very roots of experience to expunge the dos and don’ts of a successful Valentines Day.
Let’s start with selecting the right card. Valentines Day cards are sold everywhere and have been available since January 2nd, so you have no excuse not to get one. I like going to a store with a large greeting car selection, but you can buy cards everywhere, from the gas station to the liquor store.
Upon approaching the greeting car rack, you will see a row of Valentines Day cards divided under categories like, wife, husband, boyfriend, girl/boyfriend, girlfriend, funny, romantic, sexy, pop-up, etc. Make your choice wisely. If you’re in love, go for romantic. If you are friends with benefits, go for funny. If you’re just in it for the perks, choose a sexy card.
Flowers are a must on Valentines Day, unless allergies are involved. For the most part, women love flowers and you can get them anywhere, just like the cards. You can pick up a bouquet at the grocery store, the gas station, the liquor store, or in dire circumstances, the cemetery.
Dinner can be the most costly item in the perfect Valentines Day scenario. The V Day dinner must be eaten in a restaurant, at a table, with a table cloth, where you order from the menu. Drive-thrus do not count and should be empty on Valentines Day except for the loners, losers, and malcontents.
Finally, you must decide on a Valentines Day gift. The success or failure of your Valentines Day experience now rests in the gift. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you about the perfect gift because every person’s perception of perfect is poles apart. What I can tell you about, is what NOT to buy for a Valentines Day gift.
Do NOT give a toaster, electric can opener, or vacuum cleaner as a Valentines Day gift. Do NOT give a membership to Jenny Craig. Do NOT give kitchen utensils, cleaning supplies, fitness videos, or anything that should be kept in the garage.
If you follow these simple guidelines, you’ll have a fighting chance on Valentines Day. Good luck.