My name is Dale and I don’t like rodents. I never have and I never
will. It’s just the way I was raised. I do not like rats because they were responsible for the Bubonic Plague in 1347, and if they unionize, they could do it again.
I don’t like mice because they get into your house, and eat your potato chips, and poop all over the place.
I’m neutral on squirrels, porcupines and beavers. If they leave me alone, I’ll leave them alone. But the minute a beaver gnaws his way into my living room, all bets are off.
And I think guinea pigs and hamsters are just creepy pets. That statement may ire some of you, so just to be fair, I think snakes are creepy pets too.
If you had to put me in a category, I would declare myself as an anti-rodentite, and this week my vexation is focused on the the chipmunk. In case you didn’t know, the chipmunk is a major rodent. It is nothing more than a fat mouse in a fancy striped fur coat. It is a pest.
This chipmunk is an omnivore, which means it will eat just about anything, making it like a small furry teenager. Because a chipmunk is too short to open your refrigerator door, he will find his food outside, in your yard.
A chipmunk’s diet includes everything from bugs to birds eggs but its favorites are seeds, nuts, fruits, and vegetables. This covers everything that I have growing in my yard which explains why my garden has become the Chipmunk Costco. And since I put considerable time, effort, and money into my garden, I don’t cotton to no fuzzy rat. It’s war.
There are many ways to rid yourself of chipmunks. Most methods involve poison or traps, but the most ecologically friendly method is the cat. A cat will spend all day chasing chipmunks, catching them, torturing them for a while, and then putting them on your doorstep. It’s good exercise for your cat too. Something for them to do during the one hour a day they are not sleeping.
Since I didn’t want to use poisons or traps, and I don’t have a cat, I have chosen to get rid of my chipmunks through birth control.
Instead of a contraceptive, I am armed with a paintball gun. When I spot a chipmunk on my bird feeder, eating the seed I bought for the birds, I let him have it. The shot knocks him off the feeder, but when he hits the ground, he runs away with a big orange spot on his ass which he then has to explain to the other chipmunks. All of the girl chipmunks will look at him as a risky provider seeing as how he already got shot once, and look elsewhere to have their babies. When I get all of the males “spotted” the females will be so despondent that they will move to somebody else’s yard to look for action and a place to stay. The remaining males will eventually die of embarrassment and extreme hornyness.
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